2171: Do You Want to Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too? by Evan Marc Katz on Dating & Relationship Advice

[00:00:00] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like

[00:00:04] personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So, to optimize

[00:00:10] your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app.

[00:00:15] Now, onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2171.

[00:00:22] Do You Want To Have Your Cake And Eat It Too? by Evan Mark Katz of evanmarkkatz.com.

[00:00:29] Hello everybody and welcome to ORD, with me, your host and narrator, Greg Audino.

[00:00:35] Great to have you here once again, and this time I'll be sharing a post from Evan Mark Katz.

[00:00:40] He's a dating coach who we've been reading from since the beginning, pretty much,

[00:00:44] even before I was hosting the show, which is years ago now. This article covers the crossroads some

[00:00:49] people find themselves at when they want to be committed, but also play the field a little bit.

[00:00:54] So, let's hear Evan's words of wisdom as we optimize your life.

[00:01:02] Do You Want To Have Your Cake And Eat It Too? by Evan Mark Katz of evanmarkkatz.com.

[00:01:09] This week, I was on the phone with a client who came to me 8 weeks ago with no dating prospects

[00:01:14] whatsoever. But, armed with a new perspective on dating, online dating, and understanding men,

[00:01:22] not to mention a new online ad campaign, this woman found herself in a new position,

[00:01:28] the object of desire to a thoughtful, considerate man.

[00:01:32] Tara, age 39, went out with Ted three times. Each time, he called her in advance, made the plans,

[00:01:40] paid for her, followed up the day after, and let her know that she was a priority in his love life.

[00:01:47] Without being over-the-top smothering, Ted made it clear that he wanted to be her boyfriend.

[00:01:53] Yet, even though Tara invested a lot of money with me to ostensibly find herself a boyfriend,

[00:01:59] suddenly, when confronted with the prospect of focusing on one man,

[00:02:04] she found herself pulling away emotionally. Even though he's a great guy, cute, smart,

[00:02:10] successful, and kind, even though he's done everything right, even though she wants to be

[00:02:15] married one day and this man is on board, Tara just couldn't help but feel that she needed more

[00:02:21] time being single. More time than 39 years, I asked. It's more that I'm not sure I'm ready

[00:02:28] to commit to him, she continued. So what I'd like to do is continue to date Ted casually for the

[00:02:34] next couple of months, put my profile up on Match.com, and see what happens from there.

[00:02:40] He is a good guy, and I don't want to throw things away. I just want to explore my other

[00:02:44] options right now. Tara's proclamation sounds eerily like the thoughts of a man who played

[00:02:52] with your heart in the past, like your heartbreaker. She came on strong, she made a real connection,

[00:02:58] and now she's silently backing away. Sort of. Because Tara, like your heartbreaker,

[00:03:06] doesn't want to actually break up. She just wants to keep her distance and downgrade Ted from

[00:03:12] future boyfriend to one of three men I'm seeing right now. Which means that, whether Tara likes

[00:03:19] it or not, Ted's going to be on pins and needles wondering where the spark and momentum went.

[00:03:25] He's going to be wondering what happened, what he did wrong, and how he can turn things around

[00:03:30] again. Essentially, Tara wants to have her cake and eat it too. Not because she's evil and malicious

[00:03:37] and doesn't care about men, but because continuing to date Ted casually while exploring her other

[00:03:43] options maximizes her selfish desires. So she gets to keep the door open for Ted, experiment

[00:03:50] with some exciting, unpredictable men on Match, and make her decision down the road. Except that's

[00:03:56] never how it goes. You know that. Because you've been in Ted's position more than you'd care to

[00:04:02] admit, and you know that the guy who is casually seeing you once a week for three months never

[00:04:08] becomes your husband. How do you know this? Because if he wanted to be your boyfriend,

[00:04:13] he'd have tried harder from the very beginning. His very indifference and ambivalence to you,

[00:04:19] shopping around for other women while keeping you in the loop, tells the entire story.

[00:04:25] I don't have to stick around to see the end. Neither should Ted, and neither should you.

[00:04:30] Your takeaway from this blog post should be twofold. First, realize that men and women are

[00:04:36] no different. And although it's easy to berate men for being selfish, for using you, for not

[00:04:42] telling you their true intentions, the real truth is, this isn't a man thing. It's a people thing.

[00:04:48] I just told you Tara's story, but I literally have three clients right now going through the exact

[00:04:53] same thing. Three women with no prospects eight weeks ago. Now all three are putting off having

[00:05:00] a boyfriend because they want time to date and explore and maximize. I would probably quibble

[00:05:06] that they should consider the devoted guy instead of looking for a more exciting, unpredictable

[00:05:11] player on the internet, but that's neither here nor there. All you need to know is that you have

[00:05:17] two choices. Act with integrity and let your man go find a woman who's into him, or give up on any

[00:05:24] sense of moral high ground that you might maintain when complaining about non-committal men. You

[00:05:29] can't have it both ways. The second takeaway I'd like you to have is to internalize the idea that

[00:05:36] the guy who is keeping you at bay for more than six to eight weeks is probably never going to

[00:05:42] step up to the plate to be your boyfriend. So dump him now and go out and find yourself a man who

[00:05:47] is excited about you. Every second you're with the wrong guy is a second you're not looking for

[00:05:53] the right guy. You just listened to the post titled, Do You Want To Have Your Cake And Eat It Too?

[00:06:03] by Evan Mark Katz of evanmarkkatz.com and I'll be right back with my commentary.

[00:06:10] Okay and thanks to Evan for this one. It's definitely a grounding post that I hope encourages

[00:06:15] anyone in a situation similar to Tara to do some self-questioning. But I also hope that

[00:06:21] that self-questioning can come without self-shaming. There's a part of this article I

[00:06:26] wasn't super fond of when Evan kind of insinuated that this type of behavior is selfish, meant to

[00:06:32] lead people on and covering of one's true intentions. And I don't think that has to be the case.

[00:06:38] You know if you've been single for a while and have perhaps come upon newfound confidence with a

[00:06:44] few people interested in you all at once, it's natural to find relief in this and want to explore

[00:06:50] and just sort of bask in that feeling. This is understandable. But what of the action that

[00:06:57] accompanies it? We all have different ideas of what we owe or don't owe to dating prospects.

[00:07:03] But if you do want to honor your desire to play the field a little bit while still not consider

[00:07:09] yourself to be selfish or deceptive, remember that you can always talk to your dating prospects

[00:07:14] about these feelings. Share your journey, share your desires, and see how they feel about them.

[00:07:21] In many cases they may be understanding, allowing you two to connect better. And in other cases

[00:07:27] they won't and you two might amicably decide to discontinue seeing one another. The more you share

[00:07:32] your intentions with the people you meet and scout their reactions and sort of get a sense of the

[00:07:38] types of people you are attracting and repelling, the more likely you are to become more decisive

[00:07:43] in what you're looking for. But that's going to bring us to the end for today folks. I thank you

[00:07:48] as always for coming and making this episode possible. Have a great rest of your day and

[00:07:52] I'll see you in the Wednesday show tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.