2172: Friendship Dissolution: The Whys and Goodbyes by Dr. Marisa Cohen of Luvze on Breaking Up with Friends

[00:00:00] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like

[00:00:04] personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So, to optimize

[00:00:10] your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app.

[00:00:15] Now, onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2172,

[00:00:22] Friendship Dissolution, The Whys and Goodbyes, by Dr. Marissa Cohen of Loves.com.

[00:00:30] Hello everybody, and thank you so much for joining me yet again here on ORD.

[00:00:35] My name is Greg Audino, I'm your host and narrator, sharing content about relationship

[00:00:39] building with you each and every day. And I love today's post because it addresses friendships,

[00:00:45] which tend to go a bit neglected in relationship literature, much to my dismay.

[00:00:50] So, let's talk about if and how to end friendships with this post from Loves.com

[00:00:55] as we optimize your life. Friendship Dissolution, The Whys and Goodbyes,

[00:01:05] by Dr. Marissa Cohen of Loves.com. A friend recently asked me for advice regarding a breakup.

[00:01:13] I'm accustomed to fielding such relationship questions. However, I was surprised by her

[00:01:19] inquiry because I didn't realize that she had a significant other. What was even more surprising

[00:01:26] was that the breakup she wanted advice about was not with a romantic partner, but with a friend.

[00:01:32] Because our social circle seems to naturally evolve as we go through transitions in our lives,

[00:01:38] like new schools, new homes, or new jobs, etc., many of us don't think about the process of

[00:01:43] breaking up with friends. Her predicament, however, got me thinking about what happens

[00:01:49] when we need to let go of a friend during a relatively stable time in our lives.

[00:01:54] The decision to end the friendship may be because we realize that we've grown apart,

[00:01:59] no longer have time to devote to one another, or no longer value the connection.

[00:02:05] So, how do we go about breaking things off? Can we end a friendship, or are we obligated

[00:02:10] to hold on to friends just because we've had them in our lives for a certain period of time?

[00:02:16] If we decide to end the friendship, can we ghost the other person,

[00:02:20] or do we owe our friend a more formal ending? While a breakdown in some aspect of a relationship

[00:02:26] usually ends to the termination of a romantic pairing, friendships may dissolve without

[00:02:32] either party experiencing any overt dissatisfaction. This lack of a clear reason can often make ending

[00:02:39] a friendship a bit more complicated than when ending a romantic tie. As a result, the process

[00:02:45] by which friendships deteriorate must be studied independently from other types of relationships.

[00:02:51] Why Friends Break Up In one study conducted over two decades ago,

[00:02:56] 155 graduates between the ages of 17 and 22 listed their friendships from their high school years on

[00:03:04] and wrote an essay detailing the demise of a same-sex friendship from any point during that

[00:03:09] time. From the essays, four different friendship termination patterns emerged. Physical separation,

[00:03:17] moving to a new house or city, many participants described the difficulties they faced in

[00:03:22] maintaining long-distance relationships. New friends, in many instances old friends were

[00:03:28] replaced by new ones. While some people reported feeling jealous or rejected, in most situations it

[00:03:34] was an amicable split. Dislike, participants reported that their friends revealed or did

[00:03:40] something that they did not approve of, like ideological differences such as religion or

[00:03:46] behaviors such as narcotics abuse. Or dating or marriage, people reported that their friendships

[00:03:53] ended when they or their friends got involved in romantic relationships. A more recent analysis

[00:03:59] involving the deterioration of workplace friendships used in-depth interviews of 25 full-time

[00:04:04] employees from a variety of occupational fields. This study revealed five main themes.

[00:04:11] Personality, the person could not accept a newly displayed personality or behavior trait by their

[00:04:17] friend, such as selfishness or flirtatiousness. Distracting life events, when the friend's

[00:04:23] personal life began to interfere with his or her job performance. Conflicting expectations,

[00:04:29] when the friends have different beliefs as to how to behave toward one another.

[00:04:33] This usually occurs when there is a superior or subordinate workplace relationship.

[00:04:39] Promotion, when one person becomes the other's superior and the nature of the relationship

[00:04:43] changes. And betrayal, a loss of trust between the pair. Consequences associated with ending

[00:04:51] a workplace friendship included emotional stress, reduced ability to perform tasks, and turnover.

[00:04:58] How Friends Break Up So now that we know that losing friends is a

[00:05:02] natural part of life, how can we end these relationships smoothly? Although there's

[00:05:08] limited empirical work on the topic, many how-to articles have gone viral on social media.

[00:05:14] The two main approaches to ending a friendship that are most often discussed are the slow fade,

[00:05:19] which is similar to ghosting, and the formal breakup.

[00:05:23] The Slow Fade With the slow fade, the person is being eased

[00:05:28] into the end of the friendship. This seems to be used when both members of the dyad feel the same

[00:05:33] way about ending the relationship. A formal breakup, on the other hand, is more likely to

[00:05:38] happen when one person wants to end the friendship and the other individual appears to be completely

[00:05:42] unaware of it. This can often lead to a very awkward and uncomfortable conversation.

[00:05:48] One popular press book argues that a gut feeling will likely dictate which approach you should go

[00:05:53] with. If you decide to go with the more direct conversation option, it's best to plan out what

[00:05:58] you're going to say and to be clear about your expectations. If you repeatedly tell your friend

[00:06:04] that you're busy, rather than confronting the situation head-on, your friend may assume that

[00:06:09] at some point in the future you may be able to make time for him or her. If you keep things vague

[00:06:14] and open-ended, by saying that you just need some space, you may create confusion about boundaries.

[00:06:21] Instead, you need to express what it is you need and why. Of course, it's important to remember to

[00:06:27] temper your language and consider the other person's feelings, as this individual was once

[00:06:32] a good friend of yours. What did my friend do? She opted to confront the issue head-on.

[00:06:38] She explained to her friend via email that she did not feel that their relationship was moving

[00:06:43] in a positive direction and that she didn't feel she could invest any more time and energy into it.

[00:06:49] She noted that while she valued the friendship they had, it was best that they now go their

[00:06:53] separate ways. While this may seem harsh to some and definitely a difficult message to express,

[00:07:00] it was a smart approach. My friend maturely articulated what was going on instead of

[00:07:05] leaving her friend hanging. She was able to provide a formal ending and an explanation,

[00:07:11] giving her friend a sense of closure. So, what's the moral of the story?

[00:07:16] If you are re-evaluating some of the friendships in your life, it isn't only important to think

[00:07:21] about who you want to or may need to end things with, but also how you will approach

[00:07:26] this sensitive situation. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:34] Friendship Dissolution – The Whys and Goodbyes, by Dr. Marissa Cohen of Loves.com.

[00:07:41] And be sure to stick around for my comments in just a minute.

[00:07:44] And Dr. Marissa touching upon an important yet often unexplored subject as I mentioned in the

[00:07:49] intro. Thanks to her for that. There really is a lot to consider when it comes to ending a

[00:07:54] friendship, a lot of different variables at play. One that often comes up for me is the

[00:08:00] acknowledgement of phases in life. Due to one reason or another, we may have a period of months or even

[00:08:06] years go by in which we and a friend don't necessarily keep in touch. Does that mean we

[00:08:11] have to formally end this friendship? Maybe if you're someone who obsesses about the purpose

[00:08:17] and presence of everything in your life, which is not necessarily a bad thing, then sure. But

[00:08:22] that could close off the chance of the friendship naturally rekindling later on.

[00:08:27] I mean, to me, I'm usually most tempted to directly end friendships only if I feel the

[00:08:31] other person has done me an injustice serious enough that I'd rather not continue with them,

[00:08:36] even if I've forgiven them. But however you feel about it, I hope this article doesn't make you

[00:08:42] feel as though you have to police this one way or another. That's to say that there is no rule

[00:08:48] surrounding how you have to navigate friendships that have lost their luster, if you will. It

[00:08:53] varies from person to person, and you'll likely find that your instincts vary from friend to friend.

[00:08:59] The more you listen to yourself and trust your gut, the more likely you are to keep the right

[00:09:03] people in your life anyway. But that's going to bring us to the end for today everyone. I hope

[00:09:07] this article was helpful to you and that you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for listening all

[00:09:11] the way through. Thank you for being a subscriber of the show. And do be sure to come back tomorrow

[00:09:16] for a parenting article. That's where your optimal life awaits.