2173: 7 Ways to Help Siblings Develop Emotional Intelligence Skills Every Day by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2173.

[00:00:05] 7 Ways to Help Siblings Develop Emotional Intelligence Skills Every Day

[00:00:09] by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids.com

[00:00:14] Hello everybody, I'm Greg Audino and this is ORD, where I bring you some of the best

[00:00:20] articles around that cover different types of relationships and how to navigate them.

[00:00:24] On Thursdays and Fridays we share content about parenting specifically,

[00:00:28] so let's kick off this week's parenting leg with a post from the ever-informative

[00:00:31] Dr. Laura Markham as we optimize your life.

[00:00:39] 7 Ways to Help Siblings Develop Emotional Intelligence Skills Every Day

[00:00:44] by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids.com

[00:00:49] How do children learn social and emotional intelligence skills?

[00:00:53] Practice, practice, practice.

[00:00:56] Parents have to explain, model, and repeat themselves over and over.

[00:01:01] It can seem endless, but there are ways to help children learn faster

[00:01:06] by taking advantage of the problems that come up in every family on a daily basis.

[00:01:11] Next time there is a squabble between your children,

[00:01:14] remind yourself that you don't need to sigh and wish it wasn't happening.

[00:01:18] You can welcome it as a teachable moment.

[00:01:21] 1. Talk About Feelings

[00:01:24] When parents talk to their children on a daily basis about what everyone in the family feels

[00:01:29] and needs, siblings become more sensitive and emotionally generous to each other,

[00:01:34] as well as more likely to understand each other's point of view.

[00:01:38] This is true even when children are very young.

[00:01:41] When mothers talk to their toddlers about what the baby might be feeling,

[00:01:44] the toddler develops more empathy for the baby and is less jealous.

[00:01:49] But remember that this can't be a lecture.

[00:01:51] We always need to begin by empathizing with the older child.

[00:01:55] Then we can wonder aloud what the baby might want or need.

[00:01:59] 2. Ask Questions About Feelings, Needs, Wants, and Choices

[00:02:06] We all learn by having a chance to reflect, if we don't feel defensive.

[00:02:11] Ask your child coaching questions that help them explore and discover.

[00:02:15] These might sound like…

[00:02:17] How did you feel?

[00:02:19] What did you want?

[00:02:20] What did you do?

[00:02:22] How did that work out?

[00:02:24] Did you get what you wanted?

[00:02:26] Did your brother get what he wanted?

[00:02:29] How do you think he felt?

[00:02:31] Would you do the same thing next time, or do you think you might try something different?

[00:02:36] What do you think you might try?

[00:02:38] And what would happen then?

[00:02:41] Listen, nod, repeat to be sure you understand.

[00:02:46] Stay warm and non-judgmental.

[00:02:48] Keep your sense of humor so when your child says,

[00:02:50] next time I'll smash him, you can simply answer,

[00:02:55] What might happen then?

[00:02:57] Try not to jump in to evaluate or lecture.

[00:03:00] Reflection is how children develop judgment.

[00:03:03] Good judgment often develops from bad experience.

[00:03:06] 3. Explain and model. Expect to repeat yourself.

[00:03:11] Deanne, a client of mine, says,

[00:03:15] When they were fighting over ownership of something, I would say,

[00:03:20] Jake, say, Excuse me, Sophia, when you're finished, may I have a turn, please?

[00:03:26] And then wait for him to repeat my words.

[00:03:29] And then I would turn to Sophia and say,

[00:03:31] Sophia, say, Sure, Jake.

[00:03:34] I did this many, many, many times.

[00:03:38] And then one day, to my delight, I was cooking dinner

[00:03:41] and overheard them use these exact words, unprompted, to resolve an issue.

[00:03:46] It was a proud moment.

[00:03:49] 4. Practice finding win-win solutions.

[00:03:53] There are daily opportunities in every family to point out differences in needs

[00:03:58] and consider solutions that might work for everyone.

[00:04:02] Hmm. You want to go to the pool and he wants to go to the park?

[00:04:06] How can we find a win-win solution?

[00:04:09] 5. Model I-statements.

[00:04:12] Which means expressing what you need, rather than judging or attacking someone else.

[00:04:18] So, for instance, when your daughter yells at her sibling,

[00:04:21] Well, you're stupid too!

[00:04:23] You might teach her, instead, to say,

[00:04:26] I don't like it when you call me names.

[00:04:29] One formula for I-statements, a version of Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication,

[00:04:34] is to describe what you feel, what you need, and how you see the situation.

[00:04:39] I feel blank because I want or need blank and I observe that blank.

[00:04:47] Rosenberg suggests that you then ask the other person

[00:04:50] if they would be willing to take action to give you what you need.

[00:04:54] With children, however, I suggest that you not ask

[00:04:57] unless the child's compliance is truly optional.

[00:05:00] Most of the time, if you're upset, it isn't.

[00:05:03] So, simply instruct your child to take a specific action, kindly but clearly.

[00:05:09] So, for instance, I feel worried because I want to get there on time

[00:05:13] and I see that you aren't ready to leave yet.

[00:05:16] Please put on your shoes now.

[00:05:18] 6. Model pro-social behavior.

[00:05:22] The way the adults in the home relate to each other

[00:05:25] sets a powerful example for the children.

[00:05:27] Use that to your advantage by role-playing how you'd like your children to treat each other.

[00:05:33] For instance, you might say to your partner,

[00:05:35] There's only one banana left. Shall we split it?

[00:05:39] Or model how to set limits respectfully by saying things like,

[00:05:43] Excuse me, I was using that. You can have it as soon as I'm done.

[00:05:47] With a smile and a hug.

[00:05:49] And 7. Teach repair.

[00:05:52] In every relationship, there are times when someone feels hurt.

[00:05:57] Often that's unintentional.

[00:05:59] Sometimes we feel that the hurting is unavoidable

[00:06:01] because what we need or want at that moment

[00:06:04] is more important than how the other person feels.

[00:06:07] Every adult at times says something hurtful to their partner.

[00:06:11] So, when one of your children hurts their sibling,

[00:06:14] make it a family policy that there be a repair as soon as possible

[00:06:17] and definitely before bedtime.

[00:06:20] This is when you say,

[00:06:21] Your brother was very upset that you knocked down his tower.

[00:06:25] I wonder what you could do to make things better with him.

[00:06:28] This is not a punishment.

[00:06:30] Children who are punished feel resentful.

[00:06:32] Children who are not punished and don't repair feel guilty.

[00:06:35] Both blame the sibling.

[00:06:37] Children who find that they can help their sibling feel better are empowered

[00:06:41] and the sibling relationship is strengthened.

[00:06:44] Once they're no longer angry,

[00:06:46] humans often look at the wreckage caused by their anger.

[00:06:49] Wish they could make things better.

[00:06:51] You want your children to get in that habit early.

[00:06:54] So, instead of trying to extract an apology,

[00:06:57] which will just make your child feel like they lost,

[00:07:00] help them feel like a hero.

[00:07:02] Someone who makes things better.

[00:07:08] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:10] 7 Ways To Help Siblings Develop Emotional Intelligence Skills Every Day

[00:07:15] by Dr. Laura Markham of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com

[00:07:20] And be sure to stick around for my commentary right after this.

[00:07:24] And thank you so much to Dr. Laura for this one.

[00:07:27] A lot of awesome ideas in this article.

[00:07:29] And one more I'd encourage you to think about is

[00:07:32] how helpful it can be to leverage stories from the past

[00:07:36] when helping your children to develop empathy.

[00:07:38] So, if we look to Dr. Laura's first bullet

[00:07:41] about talking about feelings

[00:07:43] and how children are able to start developing empathy at a young age,

[00:07:47] know that you can go beyond just theorizing with your kids.

[00:07:51] So, if you have a toddler who is jealous of a baby,

[00:07:53] you might talk about when your toddler was a baby.

[00:07:56] You might talk about a time when you felt powerless over your older sibling.

[00:08:01] Or if you have a third oldest child,

[00:08:03] you might talk to your toddler about when they were the baby

[00:08:05] and the oldest was in their shoes.

[00:08:07] This can make for an easier emotional transition for the children

[00:08:11] if they already have empathy established towards the subjects in the story.

[00:08:16] And if they have these visuals to help aid them in learning the lesson.

[00:08:20] But that's going to bring us to the end for today, everybody.

[00:08:22] I hope this article got you thinking.

[00:08:24] And if it did and you enjoyed it,

[00:08:26] be sure to come back tomorrow

[00:08:28] because I will have another parenting post ready for you.

[00:08:31] That's where your optimal life awaits.