2178: 10 Questions Happy Couples Are Constantly Asking One Another by Anita Chlipala with Gottman on Healthy Marriage

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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2178.

[00:01:02] 10 questions happy couples are constantly asking one another.

[00:01:06] By Anita Klapala with Gottman.com

[00:01:09] Hello everybody and welcome, welcome to ORD.

[00:01:13] I'm Greg Audino, your host. Really happy to have you here joining us for a new week.

[00:01:18] And today's post is one we can all take with us, one that is both helpful and very easy to put into practice.

[00:01:23] Really at any stage of our relationship.

[00:01:26] So listen closely as we get into the reading now and optimize your life.

[00:01:30] 10 questions happy couples are constantly asking one another.

[00:01:37] By Anita Klapala with Gottman.com

[00:01:40] Ah, relationship beginnings.

[00:01:43] The stream of non-stop texting.

[00:01:46] The late-night conversations that will make you starry-eyed even into the next morning.

[00:01:51] Then time passes, you get married, life gets crazy,

[00:01:56] and you fall into that rut of talking about who's picking up the dry cleaning or what you're having for dinner tonight.

[00:02:02] Your daily conversations went from loving talk to logistical talk.

[00:02:06] Newlyweds vow that this will never be them,

[00:02:09] but too many couples become emotionally disconnected and they never saw it coming.

[00:02:14] This doesn't have to be your story.

[00:02:17] When I was writing my book, First Comes Us, The Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love,

[00:02:22] it became clear that couples who managed to feel connected did things differently.

[00:02:27] They were deliberate about maintaining and engaging real dialogue with each other.

[00:02:31] Sorry, conversations about the dishwasher don't count.

[00:02:35] Notably, their methods did not involve grand displays of affection or an inordinate amount of time.

[00:02:42] In fact, the little things often pack more punch than the few infrequent grand gestures.

[00:02:48] One of the easiest ways to reconnect, that doesn't even cost a dime or that much time,

[00:02:53] is to ask meaningful, open-ended questions and be fully present in conversations.

[00:02:58] I've rounded up some of the best questions, but before you begin, two things.

[00:03:04] One, be intentional.

[00:03:06] Set aside time, start with maybe 20 minutes, where you can focus on your partner without any distractions

[00:03:12] and shut off the TV and put the cell phones in another room.

[00:03:16] And two, let yourself be vulnerable.

[00:03:19] It's a pathway to intimacy and it helps you build and maintain trust.

[00:03:23] Here are 10 questions that will help you deepen your relationship.

[00:03:27] Once you get started, don't be surprised if your 20-minute conversations turn into an hour.

[00:03:33] 1. What is your best and worst memory of your childhood?

[00:03:38] Talking about your childhood experiences, both the positive and the things that hurt you,

[00:03:43] can give your partner insight into what has shaped you as an adult.

[00:03:47] Knowing their beliefs can bring more understanding and appreciation of your partner's beliefs,

[00:03:52] ways of being, and differences.

[00:03:55] 2. List your three biggest needs and how can I fulfill them?

[00:04:00] One of the best ways to make sure your spouse feels satisfied and connected is to fulfill their needs.

[00:04:06] Think about the things that are essential to feeling happy in your relationship

[00:04:10] and give your partner specific ways that they can meet your needs.

[00:04:14] This doesn't mean that they are at your beck and call, but when they do things that are important to you,

[00:04:19] how could you not feel even closer?

[00:04:22] 3. Of your friends and family, who do you think has the best relationship and why?

[00:04:28] Sometimes people have a hard time articulating what they want or need in a relationship,

[00:04:33] but they can recognize it when they see it in another couple.

[00:04:36] 4. What is the best part about being together?

[00:04:41] As time passes, you grow together as a couple.

[00:04:44] You'll continue to experience new things as a couple and your answers may change as the years go by.

[00:04:50] Revisit this one frequently.

[00:04:52] 5. What kinds of things do I do that annoy you and what kinds of behaviors do you think I should stop or modify?

[00:05:00] You can hope that your partner is honest with you about your behaviors that bother them.

[00:05:05] This isn't always so.

[00:05:07] Some people are conflict avoidant and they ignore these actions,

[00:05:10] only to have feelings come out in resentment or a rage later.

[00:05:14] It might hurt your ego, but it's not realistic to believe that we won't annoy our partner, even unintentionally.

[00:05:21] Being proactive can help minimize unnecessary negativity.

[00:05:25] 6. Does anything keep you awake at night that you haven't shared with me?

[00:05:30] Sometimes your partner may keep something from you because they don't want to burden you with their troubles,

[00:05:35] knowing you have enough stress of your own.

[00:05:37] When you know each other's stressors, you can provide support, understanding and empathy.

[00:05:43] 7. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing but haven't yet?

[00:05:48] What's prevented you from doing this?

[00:05:50] Your partner may have different dreams than when you first met him.

[00:05:54] That's okay.

[00:05:55] Asking this question gives you insight into what they want and what blocks them from achieving their dreams.

[00:06:01] You want to be your spouse's biggest supporter in reaching their goals.

[00:06:05] 8. Why do you love me? And when did you feel most loved by me?

[00:06:11] It's easy to say the three words, thinking that might be enough.

[00:06:15] But knowing why reminds your partner that you recognize their unique qualities.

[00:06:20] Also, people love differently and thus they feel loved differently.

[00:06:24] Differences are inevitable, but it's important to have ongoing communication about what you both need to feel the most loved by each other.

[00:06:33] 9. What would you consider unforgivable and why?

[00:06:37] It's not surprising for couples to make brief statements like,

[00:06:41] If you cheated, I would leave you. Or if you blew our savings, I would get a divorce.

[00:06:46] They don't talk in depth about the pain they would feel and why.

[00:06:50] Knowing in greater detail what would deeply hurt your husband can bring a dose of reality and help protect your relationship.

[00:06:57] 10. How can we make our intimacy better?

[00:07:01] One of the most vulnerable areas in most marriages, if not the most, is physical intimacy.

[00:07:08] When a repeated rejection to intimacy is taken as a personal rejection, disconnection can easily set in.

[00:07:15] Talking about intimacy is an important part of having a great life together.

[00:07:19] Be gentle and positive, and focus on the things you need and want, as opposed to what your partner is doing wrong or not enough of.

[00:07:27] Intimacy suffers when people stay focused on the things that aren't going well or take the good things for granted.

[00:07:33] Asking questions and constantly pointing out what you love will help you stay focused on these good things and will help your relationship soar.

[00:07:41] It's no secret, but it is how couples stay happy.

[00:07:49] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:51] 10 Questions Happy Couples Are Constantly Asking One Another by Anita Klippala with Gottman.com

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[00:08:28] This is Amy Poehler.

[00:08:29] My new movie, Disney and Pixar's Inside Out 2, is coming to theaters June 14th.

[00:08:33] And it's making me feel joy and sadness and anger.

[00:08:37] Definitely some disgust.

[00:08:38] Gross!

[00:08:39] And I think a little fear.

[00:08:40] Ah! Ah!

[00:08:41] Really?

[00:08:42] But I'm also feeling these new emotions like anxiety, embarrassment, envy, and ennui.

[00:08:47] It's what you call the boredom.

[00:08:50] Okay, that one was weird.

[00:08:51] It's gonna be the feel-everything movie of the summer.

[00:08:53] Disney and Pixar's Inside Out 2.

[00:08:55] Only in theaters June 14th.

[00:08:57] Get tickets now.

[00:08:58] And thanks so much to Anita for this really valuable post.

[00:09:02] There's already a lot to take away from this one.

[00:09:04] So rather than adding to it, I'll instead recommend a great game to pair with it.

[00:09:09] There's a card game that you can pick up pretty much anywhere that sells games, including like Target.

[00:09:14] And it's called We're Not Really Strangers.

[00:09:16] And this is not a sponsor.

[00:09:18] It also comes in a couples edition, comes in a best friends edition, and some others too, I think.

[00:09:23] But the whole premise of it is that you and a group or you with your partner ask meaningful questions of each other.

[00:09:30] So each card in the game has a different question tailored to help you get to know one another better.

[00:09:34] Or to help you get to know your relationship better.

[00:09:37] And as the game progresses, the questions get more in-depth.

[00:09:40] I know for me it's been such a wonderful way to get to know new friends that I have over for game nights.

[00:09:45] It's a really awesome way that my girlfriend and I check in with each other as well.

[00:09:49] I really love it and I couldn't recommend it enough.

[00:09:52] So do check that out if you enjoyed this post.

[00:09:54] You will not be disappointed, I promise you.

[00:09:56] It's time to wrap things up for now though everyone.

[00:09:59] Again, I thank you so much for being here and making another episode possible.

[00:10:02] Have a terrific start to your week and I'll hope to see you again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.