2179: [Part 1] 6 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship by Mark Manson on Unhealthy Relational Habits & Dating Issues

[00:00:00] This is Amy Poehler. My new movie, Disney and Pixar's Inside Out 2, is coming to theaters June 14th.

[00:00:05] And it's making me feel joy and sadness and anger.

[00:00:09] Definitely some disgust.

[00:00:10] Gross!

[00:00:10] And I think a little fear.

[00:00:13] Really?

[00:00:13] But I'm also feeling these new emotions like anxiety, embarrassment, envy, and ennui.

[00:00:19] It's what you call the boredom.

[00:00:21] Okay, that one was weird.

[00:00:22] It's gonna be the feel-everything movie of the summer.

[00:00:25] Disney and Pixar's Inside Out 2, only in theaters June 14th.

[00:00:29] Get tickets now.

[00:00:30] Look, Bumble knows you're exhausted by dating.

[00:00:33] All the,

[00:00:34] Must not take yourself too seriously, and

[00:00:36] 6-1 since that matters, and

[00:00:39] What do I even say other than, hey?

[00:00:43] Sigh.

[00:00:44] Well, that's why they're introducing an all-new Bumble.

[00:00:47] With exciting features to make compatibility easier, starting the chat better, and dating safer.

[00:00:53] They've changed, so you don't have to.

[00:00:55] Download the new Bumble now.

[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2179.

[00:01:02] Six Signs You're in a Toxic Relationship, part 1, by Mark Manson of markmanson.net.

[00:01:09] Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD.

[00:01:12] I'm your host and narrator Greg Audino, hoping your week is going well so far,

[00:01:17] and thanking you for making time for us.

[00:01:19] This is the show where I bring to you the best relationship content around seven days a week.

[00:01:23] And today I'll be starting a longer post from Mark Manson.

[00:01:27] I really love reading his work, and being that it tends to be a bit longer,

[00:01:30] we will often spread his posts across two episodes.

[00:01:33] So with that being said, let's get started now.

[00:01:36] Buckle up for part 1 as we optimize your life.

[00:01:43] Six Signs You're in a Toxic Relationship, part 1, by Mark Manson of markmanson.net.

[00:01:51] There is no class in high school on how to not be a bad boyfriend or girlfriend.

[00:01:56] Sure, we get taught the biology of reproducing, the legal ins and outs of marriage,

[00:02:01] and maybe we read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be an idiot.

[00:02:07] Without clear ideas from adults, what we're left with is basically trial and error.

[00:02:13] And if you're like most people, it's mostly error.

[00:02:16] Enter a string of toxic relationships as we fumble through an already complex dating world.

[00:02:23] One of the problems is that a lot of toxic relationship habits are baked into our culture.

[00:02:29] We worship romantic love, you know,

[00:02:32] the dizzying and irrational kind that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall

[00:02:37] in a fit of tears somewhat endearing.

[00:02:40] And we scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities.

[00:02:45] Men and women are encouraged to objectify each other and to objectify their romantic relationships.

[00:02:52] Thus, our partners are often seen as achievements or prizes

[00:02:56] rather than someone to share mutual emotional support with.

[00:03:00] A lot of the self-help literature out there isn't helpful either.

[00:03:04] And for most of us, mom and dad surely weren't the best examples.

[00:03:09] What is a toxic relationship?

[00:03:12] Many of us enter the dating world not even knowing that a lot of our beliefs about relationships are toxic to begin with.

[00:03:18] So let's first get clear about what a toxic relationship is.

[00:03:23] A toxic relationship occurs when one or both people are prioritizing love

[00:03:29] over the three core components of a healthy relationship, respect, trust, and affection.

[00:03:36] This might sound crazy to some people,

[00:03:40] but love should not be the reason to stay in a relationship.

[00:03:44] And that's because it can cloud our judgment in these other very important areas.

[00:03:50] If you prioritize the love you get out of a relationship over the respect you're given,

[00:03:55] you'll tolerate being treated like a doormat.

[00:03:58] If you prioritize love over trust in the relationship, you'll tolerate lying and cheating.

[00:04:04] If you prioritize love over affection in the relationship,

[00:04:08] you'll tolerate a cold and distant existence in the relationship.

[00:04:12] We tolerate bad relationships for all sorts of reasons.

[00:04:15] Maybe we have low self-esteem.

[00:04:17] Maybe we're not self-aware enough to realize what's going on.

[00:04:20] Maybe we don't have a good handle on our emotions, and so on.

[00:04:24] But all this does is create a superficial, psychologically unhealthy, and potentially abusive relationship.

[00:04:33] Six signs of a toxic relationship you might think are normal.

[00:04:37] Toxic relationships can take on a few different forms,

[00:04:41] but I found a number of telltale signs of bad relationships that many people either ignore,

[00:04:47] or worse, think are actually signs of a healthy relationship.

[00:04:51] Following are six of the most common tendencies in relationships

[00:04:56] that many couples think are healthy and normal,

[00:04:58] but are actually toxic behaviors and harming what you hold dear.

[00:05:03] Number one, the relationship scorecard.

[00:05:07] What is it?

[00:05:08] The keeping score phenomenon is when someone you're dating continues to blame you for past mistakes.

[00:05:14] If both people in the relationship do this, it devolves into what I call the relationship scorecard,

[00:05:20] where the relationship devolves into a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years,

[00:05:25] and therefore who is most indebted to the other.

[00:05:29] You were rude at Cynthia's 28th birthday party back in 2010,

[00:05:32] and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since?

[00:05:35] Why?

[00:05:36] Because not a week goes by that you are not reminded of it.

[00:05:40] But that's okay, because that time you caught your partner sending flirtatious text messages to a co-worker

[00:05:45] means you can have at her for supposed infidelity,

[00:05:48] so it's kinda even, right?

[00:05:51] Wrong.

[00:05:52] Why it's toxic?

[00:05:53] The relationship scorecard is a double whammy of suckage.

[00:05:57] Not only are you deflecting the current issue by focusing on previous wrongs,

[00:06:02] but you're ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past

[00:06:05] to manipulate your partner into feeling bad in the present.

[00:06:09] If this goes on long enough,

[00:06:11] both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they're less culpable than the other,

[00:06:17] rather than solving what caused the present issue.

[00:06:20] People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other

[00:06:25] instead of being more right for each other.

[00:06:28] What to do instead?

[00:06:29] Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected.

[00:06:34] If someone habitually cheats, then that's obviously a recurring problem.

[00:06:39] But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010

[00:06:42] and that now she got sad and ignored you today have nothing to do with each other,

[00:06:46] so don't bring it up.

[00:06:48] It's crucial to understand that by choosing to be with your significant other,

[00:06:52] you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors.

[00:06:57] If you don't accept those, then ultimately you are not accepting your partner.

[00:07:02] If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago.

[00:07:07] Number two, dropping hints and other passive aggression.

[00:07:12] What is it? Instead of saying something outright and out loud,

[00:07:16] a partner tries to nudge the other in the right direction of figuring it out.

[00:07:20] Instead of saying what's actually upsetting you,

[00:07:23] you find small and petty ways to upset your partner,

[00:07:26] so you'll then feel justified in complaining to them.

[00:07:29] Why it's toxic? Because it shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly.

[00:07:36] A person has no reason to be passive aggressive

[00:07:39] if they feel safe expressing anger or insecurity within a relationship.

[00:07:44] A person will never feel a need to drop hints

[00:07:47] if they feel like they won't be judged or criticized for honesty.

[00:07:51] What to do instead? State your feelings and desires openly

[00:07:56] and make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible

[00:08:00] or obligated to those feelings, but that you'd love to have their support.

[00:08:05] If they love you, they'll almost always be able to offer that support.

[00:08:10] Number three, holding the relationship hostage.

[00:08:14] What is it? When one person has a simple criticism

[00:08:17] or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment

[00:08:21] of the relationship as a whole.

[00:08:24] For instance, if someone feels like you've been cold to them,

[00:08:27] instead of saying, I feel like you're being cold sometimes,

[00:08:31] they will say, I can't date someone who is cold to me all the time.

[00:08:36] Why it's toxic? Holding the relationship hostage amounts to emotional blackmail

[00:08:42] and creates tons of unnecessary drama.

[00:08:45] Even the smallest hiccup in the flow of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis.

[00:08:52] It's crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts

[00:08:56] and feelings can be communicated safely

[00:08:59] without it threatening the entire future of the relationship.

[00:09:03] Without that freedom, to be honest, a couple will suppress their true thoughts

[00:09:07] and feelings, leading to the creation of an environment of distrust and manipulation.

[00:09:13] What to do instead? It's fine to get upset at your partner

[00:09:17] or to not like something about them.

[00:09:19] That's called being a normal human being.

[00:09:22] But understand that committing to a person and always liking a person are not the same thing.

[00:09:29] You can be committed to someone and not like everything about them.

[00:09:32] You can be eternally devoted to someone, yet actually be annoyed

[00:09:37] or angered by them once in a while. On the contrary,

[00:09:40] two partners who are capable of communicating feedback

[00:09:43] and criticism without judgment or blackmail will strengthen their commitment

[00:09:47] to one another in the long run. To be continued,

[00:09:55] you just listened to part one of the post titled six signs.

[00:09:59] You're in a toxic relationship by Mark Manson of markmanson.net.

[00:10:05] Hey, it's Kaylee Cuoco for Priceline ready to go to your happy place for a happy price.

[00:10:09] Well, why didn't you say so? Just download the Priceline app right now

[00:10:12] and save up to 60% on hotels. So whether it's cousin Kevin's kazoo concert

[00:10:16] in Kansas City, go Kevin or Becky's bachelorette bash in Bermuda.

[00:10:20] You never have to miss a trip ever again. So download the Priceline app today.

[00:10:24] Your savings are waiting.

[00:10:28] Go to your happy place for a happy price.

[00:10:31] Go to your happy price, Priceline.

[00:10:34] This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Whether you're selling a little

[00:10:39] or a lot, Shopify helps you do your thing.

[00:10:42] However, you cha-ching from the launch your online shop stage all the way to the

[00:10:47] we just hit a million orders stage. No matter what stage you're in,

[00:10:51] Shopify is there to help you grow. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period

[00:10:55] at shopify.com slash special offer all lowercase.

[00:10:59] That's shopify.com slash special offer.

[00:11:04] Families have a lot going on. Let Ollie help manage the mental load with new cognitive

[00:11:09] health supplements for everyone four and up like delicious lollipops

[00:11:13] or lollipops for kids and for parents try three new brainy

[00:11:17] choose to help you focus chill out or get energized find these cognitive health

[00:11:22] buddies for the whole fam at ollie.com. That's OLLY.com.

[00:11:26] These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

[00:11:28] This product is not intended to diagnose treat cure or prevent any disease.

[00:11:33] All right, great stuff from Mark as per usual

[00:11:36] and I will be back with most of my commentary after part two tomorrow.

[00:11:40] Once we've heard the article in its entirety,

[00:11:42] but until then sit on what you've learned today

[00:11:45] and how these traits may exist even in small traces in any of your relationships

[00:11:50] and I do mean any non-romantic relationships can be toxic as well.

[00:11:54] And we want to keep an eye on them all the same.

[00:11:57] We also want to keep an eye on our definitions of toxicity

[00:12:01] and whether or not we are falsely labeling relationships as toxic

[00:12:05] without first checking in with the part that we might be playing.

[00:12:08] Personal accountability should be paramount

[00:12:10] and always considered alongside concerns we have over those who are in a relationship with.

[00:12:17] So again, lots to think about already,

[00:12:19] but thank you for tuning in today friends.

[00:12:20] And again, be sure to come back tomorrow for the rest of this post

[00:12:23] where your optimal life awaits.