2180: [Part 2] 6 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship by Mark Manson on Dating Advice & Unhealthy Relationships

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2180.

[00:00:04] Six Signs You're In a Toxic Relationship, Part 2, by Mark Manson of markmanson.net.

[00:00:10] Hello, everybody.

[00:00:13] I'm your host and narrator, Greg Audino, wishing you a happy Wednesday, and thanking you for

[00:00:17] joining me today to finish up the post we began yesterday from Mark Manson.

[00:00:22] Definitely go check out Part 1 if you haven't yet.

[00:00:24] There's so much great information in there that you don't want to miss.

[00:00:27] But we have a lot more equally great content to finish today.

[00:00:31] So let's get right to it and continue optimizing your life.

[00:00:38] Six Signs You're In a Toxic Relationship, Part 2, by Mark Manson of markmanson.net.

[00:00:46] Number 4.

[00:00:47] Blaming Your Partner for Your Own Emotions.

[00:00:50] What is it?

[00:00:51] Let's say you're having a bad day, and your partner isn't exactly being super sympathetic

[00:00:56] or supportive about it.

[00:00:58] Maybe they've been on the phone all day with some people from work, or they got distracted

[00:01:02] when you hugged them.

[00:01:03] You want to lie around at home together and just watch a movie tonight, but your partner

[00:01:08] has plans to go out and see friends.

[00:01:10] As your frustration with your day and your partner's reaction to it increases, you find

[00:01:15] yourself lashing out for being so insensitive and callous toward you.

[00:01:19] Sure, you never asked for emotional support, but your partner should just instinctually

[00:01:24] know how to make you feel better.

[00:01:26] They should have gotten off the phone and ditched their plans based on your lousy emotional

[00:01:30] state.

[00:01:32] Why it's toxic?

[00:01:33] Blaming our partners for our emotions is selfish, and a classic example of poor maintenance

[00:01:39] of personal boundaries.

[00:01:41] When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times

[00:01:45] and vice versa, this can easily lead to a codependent relationship.

[00:01:50] Everything, even down to reading a book or watching TV, must be negotiated.

[00:01:56] When someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because now you

[00:02:01] have to make each other feel better.

[00:02:03] The biggest problem about codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment.

[00:02:08] Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me once in a while because she's had a miserable

[00:02:12] day and is frustrated and needs attention, that's understandable.

[00:02:16] But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being at

[00:02:20] all times, then I'm soon going to become very bitter and even manipulative towards

[00:02:25] her feelings and desires.

[00:02:27] What to do instead?

[00:02:29] Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible

[00:02:33] for theirs in turn.

[00:02:35] There's a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and

[00:02:40] being obligated to your partner.

[00:02:43] Any sacrifices should be made by choice, and not because that's what's expected.

[00:02:48] As soon as both people in a relationship become responsible for each other's moods and downswings,

[00:02:54] it gives them both an incentive to hide their true feelings and manipulate one another.

[00:02:59] Number 5, Displays of Loving Jealousy.

[00:03:03] What is it?

[00:03:04] Getting mad when your partner talks, touches, calls, texts, hangs out or sneezes in the

[00:03:10] general vicinity of another person, and then proceeding to take that anger out on your

[00:03:15] partner and attempt to control their behavior.

[00:03:18] This often leads to insane behaviors, such as hacking into your partner's email account,

[00:03:24] looking through their text messages while they're in the shower, or even following

[00:03:28] them around town and showing up unannounced.

[00:03:31] Why it's toxic?

[00:03:32] It surprises me that some people describe this as some sort of display of affection,

[00:03:36] figuring incorrectly that if their partner isn't jealous, then that somehow means they

[00:03:41] don't love them enough.

[00:03:43] This is absolutely crazy.

[00:03:45] Rather than being loved enough, it's actually just controlling and manipulative.

[00:03:49] And by transmitting a message of a lack of trust in the other person, it creates unnecessary

[00:03:54] drama and discord.

[00:03:56] Worst of all, it's demeaning.

[00:03:58] If my partner cannot trust me to be around other attractive women by myself, then it

[00:04:03] implies that she believes that I am either A. a liar or B. incapable of controlling my

[00:04:09] impulses.

[00:04:10] In either case, that's a woman I do not want to be with.

[00:04:13] What to do instead?

[00:04:15] Completely trust your partner.

[00:04:17] It's a radical idea, I know, because some jealousy is natural.

[00:04:21] But excessive jealousy and controlling behaviors are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness,

[00:04:28] and you should learn to deal with them and not force them onto those close to you.

[00:04:33] Without fixing that jealousy, you're only going to push your partner away.

[00:04:37] Number 6.

[00:04:38] Buying the solutions to relationship problems.

[00:04:42] What is it?

[00:04:43] Whenever a major conflict or issue comes up in a relationship, instead of solving it, you

[00:04:48] cover it up with the excitement and good feelings that come with buying something nice or going

[00:04:53] on a trip somewhere.

[00:04:54] Or worse, like getting married.

[00:04:56] My parents were experts at this one, and it got them real far.

[00:05:00] A big fat divorce, and 15 years of hardly speaking to each other since.

[00:05:05] They have both since independently told me that this was the primary problem in their

[00:05:11] continuously covering up their real issues with superficial pleasures.

[00:05:16] Why it's toxic?

[00:05:17] Not only does buying stuff brush the real problem under the rug where it will always

[00:05:21] re-emerge, and even worse the next time, but it sets an unhealthy precedent within the

[00:05:27] relationship.

[00:05:29] This is not a gender specific problem, but I will use the traditional gendered situation

[00:05:33] as an example.

[00:05:35] Let's imagine that whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend or husband, the man

[00:05:40] solves the issue by buying the woman a gift or taking her to a fancy restaurant.

[00:05:45] Not only does this give the woman unconscious incentive to find more reasons to be upset

[00:05:50] with the man, but it also gives the man absolutely no incentive to actually be accountable for

[00:05:56] the problems in the relationship.

[00:05:57] What's the result of all this?

[00:06:00] A checked out husband who feels like an ATM, and an incessantly bitter woman who feels

[00:06:04] unheard.

[00:06:05] What to do instead?

[00:06:07] Deal with the problem.

[00:06:09] If a gift was broken, talk about what it will take to rebuild it.

[00:06:13] Someone feels ignored or unappreciated, talk about ways to restore those feelings of appreciation.

[00:06:19] Communicate.

[00:06:20] There's nothing wrong with doing nice things for a significant other after a fight to show

[00:06:25] solidarity, regret, or to reaffirm the commitment.

[00:06:28] But one should never use gifts or fancy things to replace dealing with the underlying emotional

[00:06:34] issues.

[00:06:35] Gifts and trips are called luxuries for a reason.

[00:06:38] You only get to appreciate them when everything else is already good.

[00:06:42] If you use them to cover up your problems, then you will find yourself with a much bigger

[00:06:46] problem down the line.

[00:06:49] How to turn a toxic relationship into a healthy relationship?

[00:06:54] Remember that a toxic relationship is one where love is prioritized over everything else,

[00:06:59] including respect, trust, and affection for each other.

[00:07:02] It's more than just a rough patch.

[00:07:04] It's a recurring, long-term pattern of bad behavior on one or both sides.

[00:07:09] So how do you shift these patterns in a relationship?

[00:07:13] Now, the road from a toxic relationship to a healthy one is not an easy one.

[00:07:17] I'm going to be honest, most people won't be able to do it.

[00:07:20] But there is a chance that things can change for the better.

[00:07:24] You have your work cut out for you.

[00:07:27] But if you can do the following three things, you have a shot at making it work.

[00:07:31] Both partners are willing to change.

[00:07:34] Seems pretty obvious, but if one of you isn't serious about making the relationship better,

[00:07:39] well, that's your answer.

[00:07:41] On the other hand, if you've both expressed a genuine willingness to work things out,

[00:07:45] you may proceed.

[00:07:47] Both partners recognize the lack of affection, trust, respect, and are willing to work on

[00:07:52] it.

[00:07:53] Even if you both want things to get better, you still have to admit that a problem exists

[00:07:57] and agree on what needs to be fixed.

[00:08:00] This is harder than it sounds.

[00:08:02] One person might feel they aren't trusted, and so they think that's what needs to be

[00:08:05] worked on.

[00:08:06] The other person, however, has no trust in the relationship because there is no affection.

[00:08:11] Or one person might not totally be honest about what the problem is.

[00:08:15] They don't want to be the one who says they don't trust the other person, for example.

[00:08:19] Whatever it is, you have to be clear and honest about what's keeping the relationship toxic.

[00:08:24] And both partners can communicate in a healthy way without excessive blaming or judgment.

[00:08:30] You can be willing to work on these things.

[00:08:32] You can even be on the same page about what the real problem is.

[00:08:35] But if one or both of you is out to blame the other person, it's just not going to work.

[00:08:41] It really doesn't matter whose fault it is if the goal is to move the relationship in

[00:08:45] a healthy direction.

[00:08:47] That means both people have to prioritize the relationship over their selfish desires

[00:08:52] to be right or to win.

[00:08:54] Again, fixing a toxic relationship is not an easy thing to do.

[00:08:59] But most things in life worth doing are not easy.

[00:09:02] You might also decide to end the relationship at some point, and that's okay.

[00:09:06] But if you're both willing to work on it, then it's worth the effort and the awkward

[00:09:10] conversations and yes, even the pain.

[00:09:17] You just listened to part 2 of the post titled,

[00:09:20] 6 Signs You're In A Toxic Relationship by Mark Manson of markmanson.net

[00:09:26] And some great words of wisdom in both parts 1 and 2 of this article.

[00:09:30] Thanks a lot to Mark for letting us share it.

[00:09:32] I want to touch upon one of the things he mentioned from part 1, that being this idea

[00:09:37] of holding the relationship hostage.

[00:09:40] When I read that, I couldn't help but think back to another post we once read from Prospect

[00:09:45] Therapy called Setting Boundaries vs Giving an Ultimatum.

[00:09:50] And what both of these articles tell us is that it's important to understand that the

[00:09:55] idea of holding the relationship hostage is not always a bad thing.

[00:10:00] It needs to be appropriately timed and appropriately presented.

[00:10:04] I think what Mark is saying is that it's toxic to start threatening the relationship

[00:10:08] without healthily expressing boundaries and talking through concerns, which is true.

[00:10:14] However, if you have tried to express your feelings and boundaries, and something that

[00:10:19] is troublesome for you in the relationship, and these efforts have been ignored, at that

[00:10:23] point we might offer an ultimatum, which can often be saying that a certain change needs

[00:10:29] to happen if the relationship is to continue.

[00:10:31] Simple as that.

[00:10:32] And in this case, holding the relationship hostage, if you will, is okay, because beforehand

[00:10:38] there is an effort to be forgiving, to be vulnerable, and to work together.

[00:10:43] So think about that.

[00:10:44] That will bring us to the end everyone.

[00:10:45] Thank you so much for being here and listening to both parts of this post now.

[00:10:49] I really enjoyed this one and I hope you did too.

[00:10:52] And as always, I hope you'll come back again tomorrow for the Thursday show.

[00:10:56] That's where your optimal life awaits.