2181: Who Is to Blame for All the Bullying by Allison Carmen on Parenting Advice & Raising Good Children

[00:00:00] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like

[00:00:04] personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So, to optimize

[00:00:10] your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app.

[00:00:15] Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2181,

[00:00:22] Who Is To Blame For All The Bullying? by Alison Karman of alisincarman.com.

[00:00:28] Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD, where I, Greg Audino, am here with you every single day

[00:00:34] to read from some of the best blogs around that focus on relationship building. And on Thursdays

[00:00:39] and Fridays, we read from parenting content specifically. So today's post comes from Alison

[00:00:44] Karman, and it's actually about bullying, how to approach it and manage it whether you're a parent

[00:00:50] or not. So let's get right into it as we optimize your life. Who Is To Blame For All The Bullying?

[00:01:00] by Alison Karman of alisincarman.com. Last week, my daughter and I were shopping

[00:01:06] in a store to buy horseback riding boots for summer camp. We were the only customers in the

[00:01:11] store at the time, and both the sales clerk and the store manager were helping us.

[00:01:16] We had trouble making our decision on the boots because her foot seemed to be between two sizes.

[00:01:21] We kept going back and forth between two pairs, and we were in the store for a long time.

[00:01:26] We bought the smaller size and left the store. When we got home, my 9-year-old daughter told me

[00:01:31] the sales clerk and manager were making faces to each other and rolling their eyes at me when I

[00:01:36] was not directly looking at them. Did these saleswomen bully me? No, but they were showing

[00:01:42] my child an underlying characteristic of bullying – a disrespect for someone else.

[00:01:47] As demonstrated by the children that bullied the bus monitor, Karen Klein, seen by millions on

[00:01:52] YouTube, a blatant disrespect for another human being is a major component of bullying.

[00:01:58] And yet, I bet if you asked these saleswomen if they support bullying in their homes,

[00:02:03] they would say of course not. But their actions in front of my child speak volumes.

[00:02:09] As I read all of these articles and blogs about who is to blame for the bullying problems we face,

[00:02:15] I can only sit silently today reflecting on my own actions. Through my actions,

[00:02:20] I try to teach my children love, kindness, and respect for themselves, and every other

[00:02:25] individual that walks the earth. These are my 10 commandments that I try to live by every day.

[00:02:31] 1. I try to never put people down, even when I'm frustrated and angry. I allow no name-calling,

[00:02:39] and I try to keep to the facts. Every time I put someone down, it's a signal for my children to

[00:02:44] do the same. I can tell them not to put other people down, but in the end they will follow what

[00:02:49] I do. 2. I don't make fun of people for how they look or act if they are different from my family,

[00:02:56] my friends, or me. Even the slightest comment can signal to my children that it is okay to

[00:03:01] make fun of individuals for their differences. 3. I try not to yell and scream in my home.

[00:03:09] I'm not perfect, but when I lose my cool, even if I stand by what I said,

[00:03:13] I apologize for raising my voice and tell my children that I respect them.

[00:03:18] My hope is that my children will not yell and scream at their peers or anyone else when things

[00:03:22] don't go exactly as they had planned. 4. If I admire someone for something that

[00:03:28] they did or said, I tell them. Complimenting people for their actions and achievements

[00:03:33] helps my children see that everything is not a competition, and we can be happy for other people.

[00:03:39] 5. I try to expose my children to the joy of giving to others through charity work.

[00:03:45] I try to teach them that we are all in this world together and must help each other.

[00:03:49] I tell them that it is our responsibility and obligation as human beings on this earth.

[00:03:55] 6. I try to see other people's points of view to understand how they came to think and act in any

[00:04:01] particular situation. Even when I disagree, I always try to help my children see the other

[00:04:07] side of a situation. I'm not encouraging them to change their opinion, but instead to look hard

[00:04:13] to understand that someone else has another point of view that we must respect in order to resolve a

[00:04:18] matter and coexist in our world. 7. I try to take responsibility for

[00:04:24] what happens in my life, and I try my best not to blame others for my problems. I try to teach my

[00:04:30] children that we can only control our own behavior, and I tell them that I believe that with truth and

[00:04:35] perseverance they can face any situation. 8. When I'm with my children, I try to clear

[00:04:42] my mind and stay focused on just them. I do my best to not look at emails or talk on the telephone

[00:04:48] or worry about what needs to get done. I want them to feel that I am truly present for them

[00:04:54] and they have a parent that listens to them and cares about what they have to say.

[00:04:58] My hope is that they will feel secure and develop a voice for themselves,

[00:05:02] and not follow another voice outside of them at school that may not be kind and loving.

[00:05:07] 9. I try to stand up for what I believe in and speak my mind. I want my children to see that

[00:05:13] they must stand up for what is right in the world, and let their voices be heard when they see

[00:05:18] injustice and cruelty. Through my actions, I hope they see that there is no greater authority than

[00:05:24] the voice within themselves telling them what is right in the quest for a more peaceful and loving

[00:05:28] society. 10. I try to be courteous and respectful to everyone I interact with all day long.

[00:05:36] I try to teach my children that everyone in our society may have different jobs and different

[00:05:41] challenges, but that we are all dependent on each other, and we are all equal and deserve respect

[00:05:47] and kindness at all times. We stop to speak with the homeless on the street and we chat with the

[00:05:53] movie star down the road. My children watch me and I try to always act with the same level of

[00:05:58] kindness and respect to everyone at all times. As you see, I began most of my reflections with

[00:06:05] I try. I am far from a perfect human being or a perfect parent. I try to live by these rules,

[00:06:12] because I truly believe that we are all connected and this is the way to create a more peaceful

[00:06:17] and loving society. I cannot guarantee that my children will not be the bullies, but I know that

[00:06:22] they have and will continue to watch me as a role model for how to act at home and in the world.

[00:06:28] And what did I tell my daughter about the saleswoman at the store? I told her that they

[00:06:33] were not kind and respectful to us and we would not shop there again. I also told her that it is

[00:06:39] our responsibility to continue to act with love and kindness, regardless of how other people act

[00:06:44] toward us, because that is the way for us to achieve a more peaceful world. I told her maybe

[00:06:50] one day the saleswoman will do the same. My daughter responded, Okay mommy. You just listened

[00:07:00] to the post titled, Who is to blame for all the bullying? By Alison Carmen of alisincarmen.com

[00:07:07] And I'll be back in just a sec with my commentary.

[00:07:11] And thanks so much to Alison for this post, a really good one for parents to consider.

[00:07:16] I love these commandments that she's set forth and chosen to abide by for herself. They're really

[00:07:20] good. Number six is especially interesting as it focuses on seeing others' points of view

[00:07:26] and understanding why they come to think and act the way they do, as she said.

[00:07:30] Now to me, this one is highly important because really the ultimate test for Alison and anyone

[00:07:36] else is to apply this sixth commandment to everyone, including the bullies themselves.

[00:07:44] We really get a leg up on bullying or any type of oppression when we're able to empathize with

[00:07:50] the perpetrators. And it's not to say that we can't set boundaries with them or that we have

[00:07:55] to forgive them or that they shouldn't undergo punishment or that we should go shop at their

[00:08:00] store again. But all of these types of responses can coexist with understanding and empathy.

[00:08:08] And this should really be the goal for all of us. But that will do it for today, everybody.

[00:08:13] Thank you so much for being here and spending your time with us. I hope you enjoyed this post.

[00:08:17] And if you did, be sure to come back for more parenting content tomorrow.

[00:08:21] That's where your optimal life awaits.