2182: 5 Tips for Getting Closer to Your Young Adult by Dr. Jack Stoltzfus of Parents Letting Go on Parenting Advice

[00:00:00] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like

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[00:00:15] Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2182.

[00:00:22] 5 Tips for Getting Closer to Your Young Adult by Dr. Jack Stolzfus of ParentsLettingGo.com.

[00:00:29] Hello, everybody. I'm Greg Audino, and this is Optimal Relationships Daily, the show that's all

[00:00:35] about building better relationships each day through the reading of different articles written

[00:00:39] by relationship experts. And we'll be featuring another parenting article today, this one from Dr.

[00:00:44] Jack Stolzfus, who specializes in helping parents to aid their adult children into the world if

[00:00:49] they're having some trouble launching. So let's hear what he has to say today as we optimize your

[00:00:54] life. 5 Tips for Getting Closer to Your Young Adult by Dr. Jack Stolzfus of ParentsLettingGo.com.

[00:01:07] Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me.

[00:01:16] That's by Albert Camus. At the launching stage, typically between ages 18 and 29,

[00:01:23] the relationship between the parent and young adult needs to reform. A definition of reform

[00:01:29] is to change in order to improve. In a contrarian way, I believe this next foundational practice

[00:01:35] should involve getting closer to our young adults and not backing away. Let's be clear about what

[00:01:41] getting closer doesn't mean. It doesn't mean getting closer by exerting more control or trying

[00:01:46] to direct the young adult to our desired ends. Getting Closer to Our Adult Child

[00:01:53] Parents are often the most influential people in a child's life up to adolescence. As adolescents

[00:01:59] and young adults develop separate identities and push for independence, parents must adjust their

[00:02:04] parenting approach to sustain the relationship. It's easier said than done. If parents believe

[00:02:10] the young adult is not progressing toward responsible independence or making poor choices,

[00:02:15] it's hard to back off. We must remind ourselves as parents that we cannot control their decisions

[00:02:21] or actions. Furthermore, we are not responsible for their behavior or the cause of it. Finally,

[00:02:28] we are not responsible for fixing or changing them. Such efforts may even strengthen their

[00:02:33] resolve to do what they want. However, we can influence their trajectory on the path

[00:02:38] to independence. Getting closer in this new phase of the family cycle means moving alongside them

[00:02:44] to support the development of their separate identity and their striving for greater autonomy.

[00:02:49] It means walking beside them in partnership to support their life's journey.

[00:02:54] Get Real The first way to get closer to our young

[00:02:58] adults is to get real. By this, I mean being honest about our past and present worries,

[00:03:05] concerns, fears, shortcomings, mistakes, and lack of answers. We often try to figure out our new

[00:03:13] roles and responsibilities with kids of different ages. It can be helpful to admit this and to

[00:03:19] recognize that we don't have all the answers, and we can't control the process of letting go.

[00:03:24] This openness to learning how to work together on the path to letting go establishes a more equal

[00:03:29] footing and exploration of the future. We're both learners of how to work together to ensure

[00:03:35] the transition goes smoothly. This learner approach is an aspect of vulnerability that elicits a

[00:03:41] willingness on the part of the young adult to disclose some of their worries, concerns,

[00:03:47] and fears about the future and the process of moving toward adulthood.

[00:03:52] Focus on Words and Actions A second way to move closer to our kids at

[00:03:57] the launch stage is to focus on words and actions that indicate an effort to establish a positive

[00:04:03] identity and seek greater independence. These are two of the critical development tasks of

[00:04:09] adolescence and young adulthood. Anytime you spot progress in these areas, reinforce this by

[00:04:15] expressing appreciation and encouraging further similar actions. We spend too much time identifying

[00:04:21] signs of failing in the transition or troubling behavior at the expense of recognizing progress.

[00:04:27] There is strong evidence that people, including our kids, need three to five more positive

[00:04:34] expressions or compliments to offset one critical statement. There are signs of progress,

[00:04:40] but you have to look for them. Building a Support Community

[00:04:45] A third task that parents need to support is the young adult's building a support community,

[00:04:50] which may include relationships with a significant other. Although video gaming clearly has an

[00:04:55] addictive quality, when these young adults do this with others, it often involves a social connection.

[00:05:01] It's not a substitute for hanging out with friends in person, but it's better than playing

[00:05:06] solitaire or video games alone. How do we get closer, reform the relationship, and influence

[00:05:12] the young adult? In my book, Due Out Later This Summer, I point out that the parent may need to

[00:05:18] pull the young adult out of the home versus push. There's quite a difference when the parents say,

[00:05:25] Let's go work out or let's do a volunteer project together,

[00:05:29] versus Why don't you work out or do some volunteer work? The former gets them out with you and

[00:05:35] introduces them to a network of people who can become new friends, sources of positive influence,

[00:05:41] and maybe even a lead on a job. Listen and Inquire

[00:05:46] A fourth way of shifting the relationship to becoming closer and more supportive of

[00:05:50] their transition into adulthood is strengthening one's ability to listen and to inquire in ways that

[00:05:56] don't shut down dialogue. Listening involves more than just hearing and understanding in

[00:06:01] one's own mind. It consists of checking out what you are hearing being said by your young adult,

[00:06:07] so you are sure that you understand them, and most importantly, they believe you understand them.

[00:06:13] This can be done by simply summarizing what you are hearing and asking if you have understood them.

[00:06:19] We all want to be heard, which is true with our young adults. Learning more about our kids'

[00:06:24] thinking and plans for the future involves asking questions. The best questions are open-ended and

[00:06:30] encourage further exploration and dialogue. In my workshops, I'm continually reminded of how vital

[00:06:37] these two skills are, and how participants have not used them to become more supportive of their

[00:06:42] young adults. Listening non-judgmentally and openly is not new, but we often default to telling

[00:06:49] versus listening and asking. When we do, we risk shutting down the dialogue and pushing our kids

[00:06:55] away. Feedback and Feed-forward A final way to get closer to our young adults

[00:07:02] and help them transition into adulthood is to ask for feedback and feed-forward. These two skills

[00:07:08] are referenced in other blogs, but as a reminder, and for those who have not read about these

[00:07:13] skills, let me describe them. The special application of these comes from my good friend

[00:07:18] and mentor, Marshall Goldsmith. His advice, whether in business or the family, is to ask

[00:07:24] for positive feedback, like what am I doing right as a parent, and then ask for feed-forward,

[00:07:30] about how I could be a better dad or mom. If you want to get closer and support their transition,

[00:07:36] ask the following two questions. First, what have I been doing that supports your efforts to carve

[00:07:43] out your identity and move toward greater independence? Second, what two or three

[00:07:48] suggestions do you have for how I can be a more supportive parent in your efforts to establish

[00:07:53] your identity and independence? In each case, say thank you after getting feedback and feed-forward.

[00:08:01] Secondly, commit to continuing to do what they think is helpful, and pick one or two of their

[00:08:06] suggestions for improvement and commit to these. Then, it's critically important to follow through

[00:08:12] on these commitments and check with your young adult weekly about how you're doing.

[00:08:16] The former commitment is essential to ensure that we are changing our behavior.

[00:08:21] The latter commitment is critical to ensure that our young adults observe the behavior change,

[00:08:26] change their perceptions, and at a minimum, appreciate your efforts to improve.

[00:08:31] It's humbling to ask our adult kids to tell us what we're doing right and what we can do better.

[00:08:37] Yet, who knows better how we could improve as a parent? We are both a work in progress and we may

[00:08:43] stumble, but our kids will appreciate our efforts to get closer in a different, supportive way,

[00:08:49] and our relationship will grow stronger. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:08:58] 5 Tips for Getting Closer to Your Young Adult by Dr. Jack Stolzfus of ParentsLettingGo.com,

[00:09:05] and be sure to stick around for my comments in just a moment.

[00:09:08] Okay, and a big thank you to Dr. Jack for this one, an article that is truly chock-full of ideas

[00:09:14] on how to improve the relationship a parent has with their young adult. And what I think is

[00:09:19] important to keep in mind, should you be implementing these steps but maybe having

[00:09:23] some trouble along the way, is the value of seeing the world through your child's eyes.

[00:09:29] So, what are the differences between life for a 25-year-old now versus life for a 25-year-old

[00:09:36] when you were 25? What's easier? What's harder? How have interests changed? What are people

[00:09:44] saying now that they didn't back then? What resources are available now that weren't

[00:09:48] available to you, and vice versa? So it becomes much easier to tune into your child's world

[00:09:54] and connect with them effectively when you can ask these questions of yourself and of them,

[00:10:00] as opposed to wondering why they don't fit in with how things might have worked in the past

[00:10:05] when you were their age. So think about that, parents, as we sign off for today and look

[00:10:09] towards the weekend. I hope you enjoyed this post and took something from it. Do enjoy your Friday

[00:10:14] if you're listening in real time, and be sure to join us again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.