2183: How Technology is Changing Dating by Philip Karahassan with PsychAlive on Relationship Advice & Modern Dating

[00:00:00] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like

[00:00:04] personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So, to optimize

[00:00:10] your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app.

[00:00:15] Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2183,

[00:00:22] How Technology is Changing Dating, by Philip Karahasin with Psychalive.org.

[00:00:28] Hello everybody, and thank you so much for joining a Saturday episode of ORD,

[00:00:33] brought to you by me, Greg Audino. Today we'll be hearing from Psychalive once again,

[00:00:38] and guest writer Philip Karahasin's thoughts on how technology is affecting how we meet potential

[00:00:43] partners. So listen closely for how social media and dating apps have altered the dating sphere

[00:00:48] a little bit as we optimize your life. How Technology is Changing Dating,

[00:00:57] by Philip Karahasin with Psychalive.org. The adoption of technology has changed the way

[00:01:04] we connect and converse with others in our society, and dating is no exception. The prevalence of

[00:01:10] smartphones means we are always contactable, social media allows others to get to know us

[00:01:15] before we've even met, and dating apps give us an abundance of choice in a suitable partner or

[00:01:21] partners. This article focuses on how technology has changed dating. The Dating Game.

[00:01:28] How did your parents meet? Mine met on a double blind date, in which my mother and father had

[00:01:33] mutual friends who introduced them. With the invention of social media, it is difficult to

[00:01:38] imagine anyone going on a blind date again. Why would they need to? We not only have a wealth

[00:01:44] of information on pretty much everyone, only a click away, but how and where we meet future

[00:01:49] partners is changing. Before the influx of online dating, meeting partners was pretty much resigned

[00:01:55] to work, through friends, or out on a Saturday night. As a youth, I would look forward to the

[00:02:01] weekend just so I could meet a new batch of ladies to attempt to woo. Choice.

[00:02:07] With the arrival of dating apps, there has been a change in how many of us are finding our partners,

[00:02:12] and indeed what we are looking for. Let's take, for example, the app Tinder. Tinder lets you

[00:02:18] search for single people in your area looking to meet for dating or any other activity you could

[00:02:23] care to mention. I was watching a video in which a cross-section of people were asked to use Tinder

[00:02:29] to find people that they would want to go on a date with. What they found is that the people's

[00:02:34] responses to their love life was much more optimistic once they used Tinder. They cited

[00:02:39] the reason being similar to game mechanics. If you like someone and they don't like you,

[00:02:44] well then, on to the next one. There is no fear of failure, because for every one or two rejections,

[00:02:50] you get one or two matches. This is a game that you can keep playing until you win.

[00:02:56] However, this can lead you to feel as if potential partners are expendable. As you know, there are

[00:03:02] many more people out there who you might be a match with. Why limit yourself to one match when

[00:03:06] you can have ten? Or why settle for one partner when you can have access to plenty? Excessive

[00:03:12] choice can have ramifications further down the line in terms of our attitudes towards not only

[00:03:17] our partners, the expendability of our relationships, but also in terms of how we seek validation,

[00:03:24] the expectation and normalization of praise from many rather than just a few. Dr. Letamendi says

[00:03:30] in Time Magazine, quote, Now that we can interact with hundreds or thousands of people simultaneously,

[00:03:37] we have strengthened the impact that others have on our self-value. End quote.

[00:03:43] The Dating Game Not only is there a lack of

[00:03:46] vulnerability, but the nature of the game is similar to other games or indeed social media.

[00:03:53] Every time we get a notification, we get a little buzz of excitement. Studies have shown that the

[00:03:58] randomness of the notification, random reward, causes a little spike of dopamine, the brain's

[00:04:04] feel-good drug, to be secreted. Just think about how integral these random notifications are when

[00:04:11] online dating. A new message, another match, someone you want to talk to coming online.

[00:04:17] And remember, it's not just one person we're talking to now, but we can speak to hundreds

[00:04:22] of potential partners. So I would argue, we are not only getting validation from the attention

[00:04:28] of potential partners, but the game aspect can actually make us addicted to this type of dating

[00:04:34] through the random notifications which spike our dopamine.

[00:04:38] Convenience Let's not forget the convenience and the

[00:04:42] time saved when looking for a potential partner online. In an interview by Franklin Bradley, CEO

[00:04:48] and founder of TriCupid.com, he was asked, are they better off relying on online dating?

[00:04:56] His response was, quote, Probably not, but perhaps.

[00:05:02] Many of us feel the process of elimination should be done face to face. For others, however, it's

[00:05:07] all about saving time and money. With those criteria, the internet is a clear winner.

[00:05:13] Until someone mentions the old adage, you get what you pay for. End quote.

[00:05:19] Meeting someone used to be a unique experience in itself. The story of meeting to be repeated

[00:05:24] throughout one's relationship. The look, the spark, the connection which defined the early

[00:05:30] stages of the relationship. It seems now that that has been lost in favor of choice,

[00:05:35] time and convenience. Technology has made our world faster paced, and people want to spend as

[00:05:41] little time as possible looking for someone. They want dating to work around their lives in a time

[00:05:46] efficient way, taking away the organic human nature of meeting someone in favor of ticking

[00:05:52] the relationship box. Conclusion

[00:05:56] It seems, then, that internet dating gives the whole notion of dating and love as a dehumanizing

[00:06:01] state. The game and time-saving efficient nature of online dating has become more important than

[00:06:07] actually finding a partner. As Carol Lieberman says in her book Bad Boys, dating has changed

[00:06:14] from a romantic serendipitous meeting to a virtual shopping spree. End quote.

[00:06:20] With all this being said, what are the consequences for us later in our relationships?

[00:06:29] You just listened to the post titled, How Technology Is Changing Dating

[00:06:34] by Philip Karahasin with Psychalive.org and I'll be right back with my comments.

[00:06:58] And thank you to Philip for this one.

[00:07:12] You know, it's funny, all I could think about as he was discussing how our self-worth is now

[00:07:17] more and more determined by the approval of all these dating prospects, is something that

[00:07:21] I've noticed in recent years and never really been able to make sense of. And that is how

[00:07:27] it's often cited that one of the main reasons we love and or state with our partners is because

[00:07:33] of how much they love us. And it's something I don't remember hearing as much before the rise

[00:07:38] of dating apps. It's one thing to say this when referencing how much we appreciate our partner's

[00:07:44] devotion to us, but nowadays I get the sense that it's rather something we look for before falling

[00:07:50] in love ourselves. That is to say that we look for people who give us that credit or admiration

[00:07:57] perhaps more so than we look for important qualities like kindness or generosity, communication,

[00:08:04] empathy, etc. So what's happening is we're running the risk of falling for people simply because

[00:08:11] they like us or at least engaging in relationships with people simply because they like us, not

[00:08:16] necessarily because of compatibility. This is definitely a trap we need to be careful not to

[00:08:21] fall into, especially for those who are particularly eager to find love. So be sure to check in with

[00:08:27] yourself about this one and make certain that you are with your person for reasons other than the

[00:08:32] fact that they want to be with you. And with that we're going to sign off on another episode of ORD

[00:08:37] folks. I thank you as always for tuning in today and for sharing this show with someone who you

[00:08:41] think will enjoy it. That goes a long way in keeping us in business. So have a great rest of

[00:08:46] your day and be sure to come back again tomorrow for more content. That's where your optimal life

[00:08:50] awaits.