2185: Dealing with Conflict: Speak Up Before You Blow Up by Stephen Light with Tiny Buddha on Communication Skills

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[00:01:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2185.

[00:01:04] Dealing with Conflict.

[00:01:06] Speak up before you blow up.

[00:01:08] By Stephen Light with tinybuddha.com

[00:01:12] Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD, where I, Greg Audino,

[00:01:16] read from and offer commentary on different articles written by relationship experts.

[00:01:21] Articles that are of course designed to offer instruction

[00:01:24] and help you build better relationships in your own life.

[00:01:27] And today's is a really good one, especially for the people pleasers out there.

[00:01:31] Let's learn a bit about how to manage conflict healthily as we optimize your life.

[00:01:40] Dealing with Conflict.

[00:01:42] Speak up before you blow up.

[00:01:44] By Stephen Light with tinybuddha.com

[00:01:48] Quote, To be beautiful means to be yourself.

[00:01:52] You don't need to be accepted by others.

[00:01:54] You need to accept yourself.

[00:01:56] That's by Thich Nhat Hanh.

[00:01:58] I aim to please.

[00:02:00] It's okay, no worries.

[00:02:02] Please don't worry, it's no big deal.

[00:02:05] These are some things I've said when interacting with others.

[00:02:08] The truth was that it wasn't okay and it was inconveniencing me.

[00:02:13] I could never voice this to people.

[00:02:16] What if they didn't like me?

[00:02:18] Growing up, I learned to be polite and to respect my elders,

[00:02:21] so I considered it rude to tell someone that what they were asking for

[00:02:24] or what they were doing is actually not okay.

[00:02:28] I also didn't want to create any unnecessary problems or conflict.

[00:02:32] I always seemed to end up doing things I didn't want to do

[00:02:35] or helping people with things that they should do themselves.

[00:02:39] I would get frustrated and annoyed

[00:02:41] and end up taking it out on those people who are close to me.

[00:02:44] Why did I do this?

[00:02:46] I was sitting in an aisle seat on an airplane once

[00:02:49] when a man asked me if I wouldn't mind swapping with him.

[00:02:52] His friend was sitting next to me and he wanted to talk to him.

[00:02:56] The problem was that this guy's original seat was near the back and was a middle seat.

[00:03:01] I didn't want to do it, and yet I did.

[00:03:04] I reluctantly smiled and said,

[00:03:07] Sure, no worries.

[00:03:08] I then sat in the middle seat on the flight between two very large passengers,

[00:03:12] feeling cramped and annoyed.

[00:03:14] This is when it all started going wrong.

[00:03:17] It never rains, but it pours.

[00:03:20] The passenger in the window seat wanted to go to the bathroom,

[00:03:23] so there was a lot of climbing in and out of the seats.

[00:03:26] I just smiled and said, No problem.

[00:03:29] The meal card arrived, and because we were at the back,

[00:03:31] they had run out of the vegetarian choice, so I had nothing to eat.

[00:03:36] I just said, Not to worry.

[00:03:39] My bag was in the compartment above my original seat,

[00:03:42] so I couldn't just stand up and get my book.

[00:03:44] The guy next to me was reading the paper, and it draped into my space.

[00:03:49] I couldn't really say anything because, as you know,

[00:03:51] reading a newspaper in the confines of an airplane is difficult,

[00:03:54] and he was trying.

[00:03:56] The other guy next to me was hogging the middle armrest.

[00:04:00] My justification was that he was a big guy, and he was cramped.

[00:04:04] Shame.

[00:04:05] I was fuming inside, because I did not stand up for myself and for what I wanted.

[00:04:10] I started blaming the guy who was sitting in my original seat for how I was feeling.

[00:04:14] If he had just stayed in his seat, then none of this would have happened.

[00:04:18] This was the story of my life.

[00:04:20] The truth is, I was a people pleaser, and didn't like others to be inconvenienced.

[00:04:25] I would rather have been inconvenienced than let them have to go through that.

[00:04:29] I had learned from an early age to teach people how to treat me.

[00:04:33] I was teaching them that it was okay to take advantage of me,

[00:04:36] because deep down inside, I believed I was not enough.

[00:04:39] My key insights that pushed me to change were that I did not like unnecessary conflict

[00:04:44] and viewed conflict as destructive, I did not value myself and my needs,

[00:04:49] I saw other people's needs as more important than mine,

[00:04:52] and I did not know how to speak up without blowing up.

[00:04:56] Dealing with Conflict

[00:04:59] Conflict is a natural disagreement resulting from individuals or groups

[00:05:03] that differ in attitudes, beliefs, values, or needs.

[00:05:08] That's by Anonymous.

[00:05:10] This simple statement helped me realize that conflict is natural and a given.

[00:05:15] The world is full of conflict, and it will never go away.

[00:05:19] I just had to learn to deal effectively with conflict.

[00:05:22] This required that my inner emotional state needed to be able to handle the conflict

[00:05:27] without taking things personally and getting upset.

[00:05:30] I started seeing conflict as good, as it allowed me to speak my truth.

[00:05:34] I learned that I was not responsible for how others felt about my choices,

[00:05:38] as long as I was not being selfish or offending.

[00:05:41] I started standing up for myself, and my experiences shifted.

[00:05:46] Making My Needs Important

[00:05:48] I had to realize that my needs were important, as they expressed my inner desires.

[00:05:54] If I wanted to start living a great life, I had to start living it for me.

[00:05:58] This meant I had to make my choices real by voicing them.

[00:06:02] This did not mean that I did not see others' needs as important.

[00:06:05] It just meant that I gave a voice to my needs, which I had never done before.

[00:06:09] This was not easy, as I had to change.

[00:06:12] People resisted this new me, and there were some people that didn't like it.

[00:06:16] Instead of rejecting them for not accepting me, I loved them harder.

[00:06:20] I just ensured that they understood that these were choices for me, and not against them.

[00:06:26] Speaking Up Without Blowing Up

[00:06:28] Now that I understood conflict to be natural, and that all I had to do was voice my opinion,

[00:06:34] I just needed to know how.

[00:06:36] I wanted people to know what was important for me.

[00:06:39] I needed to be able to take responsibility for my needs and for expressing them.

[00:06:44] I needed to change how I spoke.

[00:06:46] I wrote down all the things I used to say that put my needs second,

[00:06:50] and I wrote out a list of ways of expressing my needs so they were first.

[00:06:54] I then practiced these statements and made them so real to me.

[00:06:58] A few examples include,

[00:07:00] Actually, it really doesn't suit me. Is there something else you can try?

[00:07:05] I really would love to help, but unfortunately I have something that I have to do

[00:07:08] that is really important for me.

[00:07:11] Please, may I ask that you respect my choices and don't try to make me feel bad because of them.

[00:07:16] I do care about you. This choice is for me.

[00:07:20] The result?

[00:07:21] I started seeing myself as being enough.

[00:07:24] When I recognized this and started behaving in this way,

[00:07:27] the world started seeing me as being enough too.

[00:07:30] We have to accept ourselves to be accepted by others,

[00:07:34] and we have to teach people how to treat us.

[00:07:36] We deserve to be treated like the amazing, beautiful souls we are.

[00:07:44] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:47] Dealing with Conflict,

[00:07:48] Speak up before you blow up,

[00:07:50] by Stephen Light with tinybuddha.com.

[00:07:53] And be sure to stick around for my commentary right after this.

[00:08:09] You don't just go somewhere new.

[00:08:11] You repel down waterfalls and discover ancient temples.

[00:08:15] Because this isn't just any vacation.

[00:08:17] This is all the vacations.

[00:08:19] Come seek the Royal Caribbean.

[00:08:21] Ships Registry Bahamas.

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[00:09:24] Okay, and thanks to Steven for this one.

[00:09:26] A post that is definitely good for me as people pleasing is one of my personal struggles too.

[00:09:31] His descriptions today felt very familiar, as I'm sure they did for many of you.

[00:09:36] But one thing I found in my healing process that I'll share with you today

[00:09:41] is that no matter how deep of a hole you're in when it comes to people pleasing,

[00:09:46] learning to speak up for yourself still requires compromise.

[00:09:50] Sometimes when we are so frustrated for so long,

[00:09:53] we just sort of explode out of that,

[00:09:56] and we start asserting ourselves when we really don't need to,

[00:09:59] because that repression has led us to believe that in order to heal,

[00:10:04] we need to aggressively enforce even our smallest of wants, let alone needs.

[00:10:10] The toughest but most important part is finding that balance.

[00:10:14] We still need to have times in which we make small sacrifices for others,

[00:10:19] and even in the times we don't have to but find ourselves wanting to,

[00:10:23] it's okay to feel generous in those moments.

[00:10:26] It doesn't mean the whole ship is going to start coming down.

[00:10:29] So even just catching yourself and acknowledging that you have the opportunity to

[00:10:33] either meet your own needs or help someone else meet theirs,

[00:10:36] or find a compromise in the middle is a good step.

[00:10:40] So start there, see if you can even go 50-50 for a while,

[00:10:44] and just observe the situations in which it's important to stand up for yourself

[00:10:49] versus when you can intentionally become a bit more lenient.

[00:10:52] So I wish you luck with that everybody.

[00:10:54] Thank you so much for tuning in and listening all the way to the end.

[00:10:57] We really appreciate it.

[00:10:59] And with that, have a great rest of your day,

[00:11:00] and be sure to come back tomorrow for more content.

[00:11:03] That's where your optimal life awaits.