2186: Not a Priority in His Life? How to Turn It Around by Melissa Audrey with MelissatheLoveCoach.com on Dating Advice

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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2186.

[00:01:02] Not a priority in his life?

[00:01:04] How to turn it around?

[00:01:05] By Melissa Audrey with MelissaTheLoveCoach.com

[00:01:10] Hello everybody and thanks a lot for joining today here on ORD.

[00:01:14] I'm your host and narrator Greg Audino, and today I'll be sharing a post from MelissaTheLoveCoach.com,

[00:01:20] the advice column section of the website.

[00:01:22] However, even though the author's name is Melissa, this is actually a guest post.

[00:01:27] Melissa Josue, the site's owner and author, has brought in love and relationship coach

[00:01:31] Melissa Audrey to help out with this reader question.

[00:01:35] So let's get into it now as we optimize your life.

[00:01:42] Not a priority in his life?

[00:01:44] How to turn it around?

[00:01:46] By Melissa Audrey with MelissaTheLoveCoach.com

[00:01:50] Dear Melissa, I've been dating a divorced dad for a little over three months.

[00:01:55] We live 45 minutes away from each other.

[00:01:58] He has 50-50 custody of his kids, 11 and 14.

[00:02:02] I have full custody of mine, 16 and 22.

[00:02:06] Since he got 50-50, we went from seeing each other three to five times a month to two times,

[00:02:13] and so far no weekend availability now.

[00:02:16] I do not have an issue with his time with his kids.

[00:02:19] It's the other time gaps.

[00:02:21] I'm not sure why I'm not more of a priority.

[00:02:25] We talk about my need for more, but I don't know if my need is realistic or not.

[00:02:30] I get depressed the day after we see each other, as I know it will be a couple of weeks

[00:02:34] before we see each other again.

[00:02:36] I don't want to feel like this in the relationship.

[00:02:40] We care deeply for each other, and that is evident.

[00:02:42] We want to spend more time together, but he's busy.

[00:02:46] I don't want to resent him for keeping space for him when he cannot for me.

[00:02:51] I've already talked to him, worked with a counselor, done meditation and self-help webinars.

[00:02:57] I want to be able to incorporate each other into our lives more.

[00:03:01] I would like to see us have more time for each other.

[00:03:04] I want to be not so insecure about where this relationship is or is not going.

[00:03:09] Will this relationship survive?

[00:03:11] And how?

[00:03:12] Will I ever be more of a priority to him?

[00:03:16] Confused in the Mountains Dear Confused in the Mountains,

[00:03:20] thank you so much for writing in and sharing your story.

[00:03:23] You've been dating a divorced dad for a little over three months and feel that you need to see him more.

[00:03:29] Since this man recently got 50-50 custody of his kids, you've experienced a significant

[00:03:34] reduction in the amount of times you see each other monthly, and you now feel as though

[00:03:38] you're not a priority and you're wondering why.

[00:03:41] Here is the non-sugar-coated truth.

[00:03:44] Men, even the busiest men who are CEOs, can make the time for what they value outside of work.

[00:03:52] If this man isn't seeing you more, it's because he doesn't want to.

[00:03:56] When a man really wants to see a woman, absolutely nothing will stop him.

[00:04:01] You mentioned that he has 50-50 custody of his kids.

[00:04:04] Assuming that he has a full-time job, that means that he definitely has some free time

[00:04:09] when he's not with his kids.

[00:04:11] You wrote that he hasn't been available on weekends since he's gotten 50-50 custody.

[00:04:16] He's definitely spending his time doing stuff on the weekends when he doesn't have his kids.

[00:04:20] You have full custody of your kids, yet you've been able to make time to see him.

[00:04:25] If you're able to make this time despite having full-time custody,

[00:04:29] then he should also be able to make time.

[00:04:32] The math doesn't add up.

[00:04:34] It's common for men to stop spending as much time with a woman at around the three-month mark

[00:04:39] because that's when things start to get real.

[00:04:41] Most men know by that time whether the woman is a keeper or just a placeholder.

[00:04:46] You mentioned talking to him about your need for more time together.

[00:04:50] Sadly, this hasn't resulted in any change.

[00:04:53] Women are great at talking and expressing.

[00:04:56] If this worked in love and relationships, most relationships would be in top shape.

[00:05:01] Telling a man that what he's giving us isn't enough

[00:05:03] does not endear him to us because it makes him wrong.

[00:05:07] It tells him he's not pleasing us and that he's not winning.

[00:05:10] A man has a strong desire to win in his daily life.

[00:05:14] When a man is with a woman, he wants to feel good in her presence.

[00:05:19] He wants to feel elevated and that his life increases in quality when he's in her company.

[00:05:24] A dating man doesn't want to feel obligated or duty-bound to a woman.

[00:05:29] He has enough obligations with work and family.

[00:05:32] I'm not saying that your needs don't matter because they do.

[00:05:35] You are or should be the most important person in your life.

[00:05:39] The great news is that it is possible to stop enduring this situation

[00:05:43] and completely turn it around to get the love and attention you desire.

[00:05:47] I would never suggest that you change the core of who you are

[00:05:50] or change your essence.

[00:05:52] Not at all.

[00:05:53] I'm suggesting that you change your approach.

[00:05:56] My first suggestion is that you cease all relationship talk until the man brings it up.

[00:06:02] This means no hinting, no inferring, and no suggesting that your needs aren't being met.

[00:06:08] That alone will lighten up the energy in the time you spend together.

[00:06:11] Right now, focus on being present when you're with him.

[00:06:15] Focus on what feels good and drop your expectations.

[00:06:19] You wrote about feeling depressed the day after seeing him.

[00:06:23] I feel your pain.

[00:06:24] I really do because I've been there and I know how yucky it feels.

[00:06:29] I know from personal experience and from working with other women

[00:06:32] that this depressed feeling gets worse as time goes by.

[00:06:36] But it doesn't have to be this way.

[00:06:39] Fire up the action taker inside of you and use it to change your personal energy

[00:06:43] and dissipate the depressing aura.

[00:06:46] You can do this by focusing on your own life and making it full and juicy

[00:06:50] independently of what the man in your life is doing.

[00:06:53] What are your interests?

[00:06:55] What have you always wanted to do?

[00:06:57] Is there a hobby or a passion project that you want to start?

[00:07:01] Is there an old hobby that you used to have but you let go of but it still interests you?

[00:07:06] By reviving old interests or starting new ones, you can marvelously shift your vibe.

[00:07:12] This is a win on two levels.

[00:07:15] First, igniting your inner action taker and focusing on something about your interests

[00:07:19] will help shift your focus from the man onto yourself.

[00:07:22] This will make you feel good and make you feel like you are winning.

[00:07:26] Second, this will also help you create or increase attraction with this man or other men.

[00:07:32] Healthy men love women who are happy and are passionate about their interests.

[00:07:37] They love women who are leading full and meaningful lives, separate from the relationship.

[00:07:42] Men like to feel that they're not responsible for making you happy.

[00:07:46] It makes them feel free and they're drawn to the glow you have when you're happy doing your own thing.

[00:07:52] My last suggestion is that you find a coach to work with who can teach you to use your innate

[00:07:57] feminine powers to attract men effortlessly and how to express your needs using feminine

[00:08:02] communication principles.

[00:08:04] These principles are magical for asking for what you desire in a non-pushy,

[00:08:09] grabby, and demanding way.

[00:08:15] You just listened to the post titled

[00:08:18] Not a Priority in His Life?

[00:08:20] How to Turn It Around by Melissa Audrey with MelissaTheLoveCoach.com

[00:08:25] And be sure to stick around for my comments in just a minute.

[00:08:58] Okay, and thanks so much to Melissa for this post.

[00:09:01] Though I'm not sure I'm entirely in agreement with all of her suggestions,

[00:09:07] especially this idea of the asker seeing her boyfriend but stopping relationship talk

[00:09:13] altogether until he brings it up.

[00:09:15] So to me, this feels like a form of deception and avoidance, and it isn't really a means

[00:09:22] of moving the relationship forward in an honest way, so much as it is more of a band-aid solution.

[00:09:29] Surely it doesn't always have to be relationship talk all the time, I'm not suggesting that.

[00:09:34] But if this asker has unanswered questions and her partner doesn't naturally express his feelings,

[00:09:42] I'm not sure that this strategy will encourage him to start doing so.

[00:09:46] Rather, it seems that this whole exchange has focused on the asker expressing her needs,

[00:09:51] whereas we haven't heard much about what her partner wants.

[00:09:54] We've heard about what restrictions he feels he has, but we haven't heard about his ideals.

[00:09:59] And this is a common breakdown in the communicative process,

[00:10:02] speaking openly about what we want, but not necessarily working to make a compromise or

[00:10:09] help our partners express what they want.

[00:10:11] But if the asker is able to do this, it will help her partner feel that sense of significance that

[00:10:17] Melissa insists her man would be responsive to.

[00:10:21] It will also bring more honesty to the surface if he is directly asked about what his ideal

[00:10:26] amount of time spent together is.

[00:10:28] And that honesty will only progress the relationship faster, whether that means staying

[00:10:33] together or not.

[00:10:34] So with that, it's time to wrap things up for today, everybody.

[00:10:37] I thank you so much for tuning in and making this episode possible.

[00:10:41] I hope this article has helped you to consider communication more deeply.

[00:10:45] And I also hope you will return tomorrow for another post.

[00:10:48] That's where your optimal life awaits.

[00:10:50] Thank you.