2187: Are Our Emotions Irrational or Logical? by Alysha Jeney of Modern Love Counseling on Relationship Advice

[00:00:00] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like

[00:00:04] personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So, to optimize

[00:00:10] your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app.

[00:00:15] Now, on to the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2187.

[00:00:22] Are Our Emotions Irrational or Logical? by Alicia Jaini of ModernLoveCounseling.com.

[00:00:29] Hello, everybody, and welcome back to ORD, the podcast that is all about helping you to build

[00:00:35] better relationships with yourselves and others. My name is Greg Audino. I'm your host of the show.

[00:00:40] And today, the article I'll be featuring for you comes from Alicia Jaini. She is a therapist out

[00:00:45] of Denver, Colorado. And this piece focuses on how to address any confusing emotions you have,

[00:00:51] emotions which you have a hard time accepting within yourself.

[00:00:55] So, let's hear what she's got to say as we optimize your life.

[00:01:02] Are Our Emotions Irrational or Logical? by Alicia Jaini of ModernLoveCounseling.com.

[00:01:10] Are our emotions irrational or logical? Experiencing the conflict can be really

[00:01:15] difficult to navigate for some of us. I know exactly when it's happening. My body starts

[00:01:21] to tighten. My heart immediately starts to beat faster and louder. I can sense an eruption slowly

[00:01:27] increasing through my chest, entering my throat. I swallow a deep pressure in an attempt to prevent

[00:01:34] any real reaction to be exposed, afraid of what it will cause. I instantly, as if the swallow

[00:01:40] ignites a domino effect, remind myself, you're being ridiculous. Don't cry. My inner talk becomes

[00:01:48] overwhelmingly loud and dominant. It inherently dismisses my quote-unquote stupid emotional

[00:01:54] reaction as it tries to make logic of my quote-unquote irrational natural responses.

[00:02:01] This results in a conflict within myself that seems too difficult to even attempt to understand.

[00:02:07] I retract, shallow again, and listen to the loud voice that continues to tell me,

[00:02:13] stop being so sensitive. I've personally experienced this cycle of questioning whether or not my

[00:02:19] emotions are irrational or logical way too many times, and many of my clients report experiencing

[00:02:25] similar sensations and patterns. Can you relate? By avoiding my emotions and bodily reactions,

[00:02:33] I literally become emotionally handicapped, and I don't even know it. My avoidance and my lack

[00:02:39] of self-awareness were restricting my ability to emotionally function. While this behavior was

[00:02:45] embedded into my daily routine and comfort zone, it wasn't until years later that I began to see it

[00:02:50] for what it really was – damaging. It slowly became obvious to me that I was resorting to erratic

[00:02:58] behavior instead of facing what was really happening inside of me. Why? It was all in fear of exposing

[00:03:06] my emotions to others and getting rejected. I would blow up with aggression when I became

[00:03:11] intoxicated for reasons completely out of left field. I would settle for unhealthy and

[00:03:16] neglectful relationships in desperate hopes of feeling understood or complete.

[00:03:21] I was missing the core foundation of what was coming deep within myself.

[00:03:26] I continued to feel more and more misunderstood and ashamed. And it wasn't until I began to practice

[00:03:33] self-awareness that I finally realized how disconnected and out of touch I was with my own

[00:03:38] self. I realized I didn't understand my behavior. Instead, I just blamed others for not understanding

[00:03:46] me. I didn't understand my emotions. Instead, I just allowed my mind to bully me out of experiencing

[00:03:53] them sober. I felt weak, uncomfortable with vulnerability, and stuck with avoidance in any

[00:04:00] way I could find an escape. When we're children, we're often told we shouldn't cry. We should stop

[00:04:07] acting like a baby, even when we're too young to process and identify the emotions we are having

[00:04:12] to convey to our parents. We may have gotten into trouble for misbehaving, all because we lacked the

[00:04:19] tools to communicate our pain in words. Maybe we came from an abusive or neglectful childhood

[00:04:25] that disabled us from feeling safe being ourselves. So instead, we learned to mask our emotions,

[00:04:32] to fear them, and even deny them as a part of us because we interpret the message as

[00:04:37] crying and exposing emotion equals bad. We then start to subconsciously question,

[00:04:44] are my emotions irrational or logical? Which starts to create a difficult conflict.

[00:04:50] When we're adolescents and teenagers, we're often told by grown-ups that our emotional responses

[00:04:55] are not that big of a deal and that we shouldn't take things so personally. We may fall in love for

[00:05:01] the first time and get our hearts broken, or have a close friend completely betray our friendship.

[00:05:08] These things may seem little to the average adult who is too busy to create the space for us to feel

[00:05:13] heard at that age. Unfortunately, not feeling heard when we are experiencing these emotional events

[00:05:20] reinforces our inability to feel safe and trust others. This only strengthens the message we

[00:05:26] received as children that there must be something wrong with us if we cry or feel sadness. Thus,

[00:05:32] reinforcing the conflict, are my emotions irrational or logical? We then get into adult relationships

[00:05:40] in hopes of experiencing movie-inspired love and true intimacy, but fall completely on our butts

[00:05:46] over and over again when we realize it doesn't exist. We try to imitate intimacy and connection

[00:05:53] without knowing ourselves well enough to even let our guards down.

[00:05:57] We unconsciously protect our emotions in fear of how our feelings will be interpreted to our

[00:06:02] partners. So, we revert the other way and typically behave in ways that push them away instead,

[00:06:09] because it's easier. This phenomenon is known as transference. Well, no wonder our partner doesn't

[00:06:16] understand us. We don't understand us. So, are our emotions irrational or logical?

[00:06:24] Emotions are labeled as irrational to our logical minds, and to give our minds some credit, there is

[00:06:30] some truth to that. Our emotions don't always make practical sense or innately follow societal norms.

[00:06:37] Irrational is the opposite of logical, and when our brains cannot make sense of why we are feeling

[00:06:42] a certain way, we end up with uncomfortable confusion and an internal conflict that feels

[00:06:48] self-defeating. How can you get around this conflict and find a balance that is actually

[00:06:53] a win-win for both parts? Start with acceptance. By logically accepting that you indeed cannot

[00:07:00] make sense of your emotions, your brain is actually satisfied. Similarly, you can validate

[00:07:07] yourself emotionally by acknowledging that what you feel and experience is real enough,

[00:07:12] even though it may not make sense. By emotionally accepting that this is indeed natural, normal,

[00:07:19] and most importantly, a part of you, your emotional processes feel freed. Acceptance can

[00:07:25] actually become very empowering. It can reinforce our strengths and abilities as human beings,

[00:07:31] and as a result, help us become more in touch with ourselves. When we mask our feelings and

[00:07:37] natural responses as adults, we run the risk of never being understood by anyone or ever

[00:07:43] experiencing true intimacy. So go ahead, give yourselves the permission to be emotional humans

[00:07:50] and see what happens. I dare you. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:59] Are Our Emotions Irrational or Logical? by Alicia Janney of ModernLoveCounseling.com

[00:08:06] and I'll be back with my comments in just a sec.

[00:08:09] And thank you so much to Alicia for this article, one that speaks to all of us a little bit,

[00:08:13] I'm sure, whether or not we realize it. I really like the main takeaway here, one of acceptance,

[00:08:19] one of permission. But of course, we also have to acknowledge that this isn't always so simple,

[00:08:25] depending on who you are or maybe what emotion you're facing. So if you are having trouble

[00:08:31] simply accepting what you feel are very messy or perhaps unjustifiable emotions,

[00:08:37] instead see how it feels to try accepting this in other people.

[00:08:42] So you might have a friend who gets easily stressed out about making plans,

[00:08:47] or a family member who is constantly overwhelmed about the future.

[00:08:51] Look for people who you care for, that might struggle with things that you don't struggle with,

[00:08:56] and start there. Can you empathize with these people? Where might these concerns come from?

[00:09:03] Can you remind yourself that in spite of these seemingly irrational feelings,

[00:09:08] that they are still loved and they're still gifted and they're still respected? Giving this grace to

[00:09:13] others who are under similar circumstances but for different reasons can go a really long way

[00:09:19] in helping you find self-acceptance. But that's going to do it for today, everyone. I thank you

[00:09:24] so much for coming and making this episode possible. Enjoy the rest of your day, and I

[00:09:28] look forward to being back here with you tomorrow for more content. That's where your optimal life

[00:09:32] awaits.