2189: Moms: What Could You Accept - to Live a Happier Life? by Erica Layne on Motherhood & Parenting

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[00:01:23] I climbed into our minivan, buckled my seatbelt, put my hands on the wheel,

[00:01:51] and turned at the waist to get a glimpse of each of my children.

[00:01:55] Sandals on one, basketball shorts and short sleeves on another, a summer sundress on the last.

[00:02:02] It was chilly and raining out. Lightly, but still, there was literal water dripping from the sky,

[00:02:09] and my children were dressed for the Fourth of July.

[00:02:12] Tolerating vs. Accepting

[00:02:15] Tolerating stinks. Tolerating wears on our nerves. It breaks us down over time.

[00:02:22] Tolerating the irritants around us does not alleviate them. If anything, it gives them

[00:02:28] more power, because each time we pass the light left on, where the smudgy hand prints on the wall,

[00:02:34] the frustration builds up inside of us. But when you share a house with children, and pets,

[00:02:40] and a spouse, it feels like tolerating is part of the job description.

[00:02:45] It's not even down low on the list. It's like number two, right there under

[00:02:50] be the person who finds everything. But what about accepting some of the irritants you can

[00:02:56] never resolve? How would that change your every day? Could it lighten the stress and agitation

[00:03:02] you're carrying in your shoulders? Could it reduce the number of times per day you snap

[00:03:07] at the people you gave life to? What science says

[00:03:12] In a study of the brains of long-term couples, scientists found that their happiest participants

[00:03:17] showed reduced activity in a region of the cerebral cortex that is associated with the

[00:03:22] tendency to focus on the negative rather than the positive. By opting not to dwell on the negative,

[00:03:28] these people had cultivated contentment in their relationships. Scientists call this phenomenon

[00:03:34] positive illusions. Helen Fisher is quoted as saying,

[00:03:39] We humans are able to convince ourselves that the real is the ideal.

[00:03:45] End quote. The real is the ideal. I love that phrase. At my house, the real is that my boys

[00:03:52] won't wear anything but basketball shorts and my daughter detests socks. The real is that they

[00:03:59] complain often and it wears on me. The real is the non-stop struggle to stay on top of the mess

[00:04:05] in my kids' rooms and to not get agitated when they'll only eat the bread at dinner, again.

[00:04:11] But maybe, with enough purpose and practice on my part, the real could move a little bit more

[00:04:17] toward ideal. 5 irritants to let go of

[00:04:22] Number 1. Clothing preferences Every time I see a well-dressed baby,

[00:04:28] I want to commiserate with the baby's mama about how nice it is when kids let you dress them,

[00:04:33] before they decide that matching and skinny pants are for the birds.

[00:04:37] Could you learn to accept the inside-out t-shirts and disdain for jeans, instead of

[00:04:41] barely tolerating them? Number 2. Weather-appropriate attire

[00:04:47] Granted, this varies based on where you live. I'm in Northern California, but most of our

[00:04:52] children's winter apparel choices won't kill them. I suggest setting up a rule or two that the kids

[00:04:58] can live with and then letting the rest go. For instance, you must wear a jacket when you go

[00:05:04] outside, but whatever is under it is up to you. I think most parents would agree that the more we

[00:05:10] nag, the more our kids push back. Maybe if we drop it for a while, they'll come to a decision on

[00:05:15] their own that it's more comfortable to dress for the weather. I'll try it and let you know.

[00:05:21] Number 3. Complaining Recently, for my birthday,

[00:05:25] I told our kids that the only thing I wanted was a day without complaining. They tried, really,

[00:05:31] they did. But we couldn't even make it one day without complaining. Not even close. I want to

[00:05:38] help my children learn to see the positive around them. But I also know that some knee-jerk

[00:05:43] complaining is normal in their development. Number 4. Messy bedrooms

[00:05:49] I once heard a mom with grown children say one thing she wished she'd done differently was not

[00:05:54] worry about the state of her kids' rooms. It seemed so inconsequential when I first heard it.

[00:06:00] I thought, if that's the only thing you'd change about your motherhood experience,

[00:06:05] I think you did pretty darn well. Now that my children are a bit older,

[00:06:09] I can see what she means. It is so tempting to constantly lean on my kids about their rooms.

[00:06:15] I want them to grow up to be respectful roommates and spouses.

[00:06:19] But I also want to get through raising them with my sanity intact. It's a give and take.

[00:06:25] And Number 5. Picky eating Comedian and dad of five, Jim Gaffigan,

[00:06:32] says giving a four-year-old a taco is like throwing a taco on the floor.

[00:06:37] It's aggravating to continually make food your children won't eat,

[00:06:41] with their preferences changing with the wind. But again, fighting for control over the little

[00:06:47] people we can't entirely control is an uphill battle. I think only ninja-level mothers have

[00:06:53] accepted all five of these at once. But if you notice one or two on this list that put continual

[00:06:59] strain on your happiness, maybe you'll consider sliding away from tolerating and moving toward

[00:07:04] accepting, eventually merging some of the real with the ideal in your life.

[00:07:14] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:16] Moms, What Could You Accept to Live a Happier Life? By Erica Lane of ericalane.co.

[00:07:23] And I'll be back with my comments in just a sec.

[00:07:46] And thanks a lot to Erica for this post, which for me, brought me back to a very simple reminder

[00:08:03] that can be so easy to lose track of as time goes on and those irritations pile up.

[00:08:09] And that is the fact that each and every one of your irritants is an opportunity.

[00:08:14] Looking at them this way is what really helps us to gain power over them.

[00:08:19] They do pose opportunities for us to stay present, to form boundaries, to learn more about why we're

[00:08:27] set off more by some things than others, to look for solutions, to reframe, to forgive ourselves,

[00:08:35] to find that space between feeling and action. You know, the list goes on.

[00:08:40] So today I encourage you to think about something that regularly irritates you and

[00:08:46] think about how approaching it differently could make you a better version of yourself.

[00:08:51] Maybe one of the opportunities I listed makes sense to you, or maybe it's a different one.

[00:08:56] But surely if you do think critically about who you want to be in this life and what you value,

[00:09:02] you will be able to come up with a way that changing your approach to a particularly

[00:09:05] frustrating part of your life right now can help you to get there.

[00:09:10] I wish you luck with that, everyone. It's time to get going for now,

[00:09:12] but I thank you so much for coming today and staying until the end.

[00:09:16] I hope you enjoyed this post and that it leaves you with some lessons you can apply in your own

[00:09:19] life. And aside from that, I wish you a great rest of your day, and do be sure to come back

[00:09:24] and join us again tomorrow for more. That's where your optimal life awaits.