2193: Five Things To Do When Someone Needs You Too Much by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Relationship Advice

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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2193.

[00:01:02] Five things to do when someone needs you too much,

[00:01:05] by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com.

[00:01:10] Hello everybody.

[00:01:11] Happy Sunday and thanks for spending some of your weekend here with us on ORD.

[00:01:16] I'm Greg Audino, your host and narrator.

[00:01:18] Glad to have you back with me once again,

[00:01:20] this time for a really terrific and really necessary post from Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

[00:01:25] So what do you say we jump right into it and start optimizing your life?

[00:01:32] Five things to do when someone needs you too much,

[00:01:36] by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com.

[00:01:41] I don't know how I would make it if I didn't have you to talk to.

[00:01:45] Sometimes I just want it to be over.

[00:01:47] But I know I have you and that keeps me from doing anything.

[00:01:51] If I lost you, I'd be nothing.

[00:01:54] Words like these should send a shiver up your spine.

[00:01:57] If they don't, you may have an intense need to be needed.

[00:02:01] And that's a problem as well.

[00:02:04] If it's said in jest or understood to be an exaggerated statement of love,

[00:02:08] then that's not worrisome.

[00:02:10] Or maybe its source is someone who's facing a dire circumstance,

[00:02:14] such as caring for an ill parent or having suddenly lost their job.

[00:02:18] Perhaps it could reflect deep gratitude or acknowledgement of you being there.

[00:02:23] But if these words are routinely said in the context of an everyday relationship,

[00:02:28] alongside conversations such as,

[00:02:30] what are we doing Friday night?

[00:02:32] Did you get my text?

[00:02:33] Or maybe even, I think I need therapy.

[00:02:36] Then you're in troublesome territory.

[00:02:39] When need becomes dependence.

[00:02:42] Don't get me wrong.

[00:02:43] Normal, healthy friends listen intently about each other's depression or sadness.

[00:02:48] Sometimes you might even hear that someone wants to hurt themselves

[00:02:52] because they feel that down and need support.

[00:02:55] You're there for them.

[00:02:56] It's a significant testament to your friendship.

[00:02:59] And it's wonderful to trust that the same will be given,

[00:03:02] that this friend will have your back.

[00:03:04] Deep friendship during really hard times is a wonderful gift.

[00:03:08] What's much harder to tolerate or to cope with

[00:03:11] is chronic, intense dependence.

[00:03:14] What would I do without you?

[00:03:15] You're saving me from myself.

[00:03:17] This dynamic can sneak up on you in any relationship.

[00:03:21] What started out as a fairly even give and take,

[00:03:24] somehow mutated into all give and very little give back.

[00:03:29] You slowly begin to realize how draining the relationship has become

[00:03:33] as you mute your own desires or needs.

[00:03:36] Ultimately, you can find that you're tired of conversations that are one way,

[00:03:40] practically free therapy sessions.

[00:03:43] It can easily feel like the life is slowly being squeezed out of you.

[00:03:47] You feel trapped and perhaps even emotionally blackmailed.

[00:03:51] You could easily be growing fatigued and resentful,

[00:03:54] but how are you supposed to get out or at least change things?

[00:03:59] What's clear is that their emotional fragility

[00:04:01] needs to be professionally treated.

[00:04:04] There could be significant depression or a bipolar disorder present,

[00:04:08] where at times suicide can seem like the only way out.

[00:04:12] Or they could be struggling with a personality disorder,

[00:04:15] which is a consistently unhealthy way someone perceives themselves and others,

[00:04:19] as well as having little insight into the impact of their behavior.

[00:04:23] You need things to change or you may even want out.

[00:04:27] And yet, you still care.

[00:04:30] What can you do about it?

[00:04:31] Five proactive steps.

[00:04:34] Number one, if your friend is in therapy, ask to join a session.

[00:04:39] Whatever your goals are within the relationship,

[00:04:42] be honest and take advantage of having the support of a therapist.

[00:04:46] You can discuss your need for a fundamental change

[00:04:48] so you're not burdened with being the only one they look to for guidance

[00:04:52] or even a reason to stay alive.

[00:04:54] If closure in the relationship is what you're seeking,

[00:04:57] the therapist may be critical for your friend to help them through the change.

[00:05:01] Remember, it is the therapist's job to deal with the patient's danger to self,

[00:05:06] not yours.

[00:05:07] Number two, if they're not in therapy,

[00:05:10] then ask them to go to a therapist with you.

[00:05:14] You may need a third party who can offer objective observations

[00:05:17] and give both of you support to navigate this terrain.

[00:05:21] If they refuse, you can meet with a therapist yourself.

[00:05:24] Hopefully, they can give you ideas about how to either get closure

[00:05:28] or to slowly create the boundaries that both of you need to abide by.

[00:05:32] Again, your responsibility is to look after your own emotional health.

[00:05:37] If they use you up, so to speak,

[00:05:39] not only will you be empty,

[00:05:41] but their source of support is waning or gone.

[00:05:45] Number three, read some material

[00:05:47] on how to handle feelings of abandonment or emotional manipulation.

[00:05:52] I hate you don't leave me.

[00:05:54] Stop walking on eggshells.

[00:05:56] Disarming the narcissist.

[00:05:58] Understanding the borderline mother.

[00:06:01] All these books are wonderful resources

[00:06:04] and might help you make adjustments in how you communicate.

[00:06:07] You might not have to leave the relationship

[00:06:09] if you learn how to step out of the responsibility

[00:06:11] they're attempting to give you

[00:06:13] and create more solid emotional boundaries.

[00:06:16] Number four, tell others.

[00:06:19] You may have to tell your friend that you can't keep their secret

[00:06:23] and may have to choose to tell their family

[00:06:25] or someone who can legally be involved in their life.

[00:06:28] Some secrets are too heavy for you to carry alone.

[00:06:31] And number five, look at your own need to be needed or in control.

[00:06:37] It may be that you have your own emotional reasons

[00:06:40] for creating this kind of relationship.

[00:06:42] Be honest with yourself

[00:06:44] and consider if you have the need to be needed

[00:06:46] or maybe being seen as having it together.

[00:06:49] Those needs may be fueling your end of the problem

[00:06:52] and you may have needed them to need you.

[00:06:55] Maybe you're lonely.

[00:06:57] Maybe you live in a fairly reclusive life.

[00:07:00] Maybe you're repeating a pattern

[00:07:02] that you're always there for others,

[00:07:04] but that pattern is now destructive in your life.

[00:07:07] In the end, you can't fix someone who has mental health issues

[00:07:11] that require professional intervention

[00:07:13] and you can't be the only reason

[00:07:15] someone who struggles with the darker aspects of depression

[00:07:18] chooses to live another day

[00:07:20] because that means you have to be there tomorrow

[00:07:23] and the next day and the next day without fail.

[00:07:27] It's their very difficult battle to fight.

[00:07:30] You can support, listen, love, but not fix.

[00:07:39] You just listened to the post titled

[00:07:41] Five Things To Do When Someone Needs You Too Much

[00:07:45] by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com

[00:07:49] and be sure to stick around for my comments right after this.

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[00:08:53] All right, and thanks so much to Dr. Margaret

[00:08:55] for this very serious yet very informative post.

[00:08:58] She's offered some really valuable tips here today

[00:09:02] and rather than expanding upon them like I normally would,

[00:09:05] I'll instead use this time to refer you

[00:09:07] to the best places to find therapists

[00:09:09] should you or someone you know be in need of one.

[00:09:12] So I definitely recommend checking out

[00:09:14] Psychology Today, Zencare, and the APA

[00:09:18] or American Psychological Association's websites

[00:09:21] most of all.

[00:09:23] The interfaces are all a bit different obviously

[00:09:25] but between the three of them it's extraordinarily easy

[00:09:28] to find therapists and their fees, their specialties,

[00:09:33] biographies, locations, insurances that they take,

[00:09:36] educations, even videos of them

[00:09:38] explaining their approach sometimes.

[00:09:41] Now additionally, should you be more interested

[00:09:43] in virtual therapy in which you have a lot of flexibility

[00:09:46] when it comes to scheduling,

[00:09:48] there isn't as much waiting involved

[00:09:50] and you do get a chance to text with your therapist

[00:09:52] as well as having video and or phone sessions,

[00:09:55] BetterHelp is a great one.

[00:09:56] They've actually sponsored a lot of our shows in the past

[00:09:59] and Talkspace is another one

[00:10:01] that's held in equally high esteem

[00:10:03] and there are many others for you to check out as well.

[00:10:06] So get the help you need everyone.

[00:10:08] Hopefully this post helped encourage you

[00:10:10] or your loved ones to do so.

[00:10:12] It's time to get going for now though

[00:10:13] so enjoy the rest of your Sunday folks.

[00:10:15] Thanks again for stopping in

[00:10:17] and be sure to start a new week with us tomorrow

[00:10:19] where I will have more content for you

[00:10:21] and that's where your optimal life awaits.