2196: The Business of Marriage: Five Things You Should Do Before Tying the Knot by Sierra Black with Get Rich Slowly

[00:00:00] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like

[00:00:04] personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So, to optimize

[00:00:10] your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app.

[00:00:15] Now, onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2196.

[00:00:22] The Business of Marriage. Five Things You Should Do Before Tying the Knot,

[00:00:27] by Sierra Black, with GetRichSlowly.org.

[00:00:31] Hello everybody, and welcome back to ORD, hosted by me, Greg Audino.

[00:00:36] Now, today's article is all about money and relationships, and it should go without saying

[00:00:40] that you can't be fully prepared to tackle your relationships if you haven't had conversations

[00:00:44] about the part that finances play. So, let's hear more about that from Sierra Black as we optimize

[00:00:50] your life. The Business of Marriage. Five Things You Should Do Before Tying the Knot,

[00:01:00] by Sierra Black, with GetRichSlowly.org.

[00:01:04] I'm at a friend's wedding this weekend, traveling with my own husband and kids.

[00:01:09] The wedding invitation labeled the event as a, quote,

[00:01:12] triumph of hope over experience. It is that, and I'm honored to be invited as a witness.

[00:01:19] But it's also a business arrangement, something I'm sure my friend, a respected economist,

[00:01:24] is well aware of. I haven't pried into the monetary details of their union,

[00:01:29] but I am sure they've talked about it. There are myriad good approaches to the

[00:01:34] business of marriage. J.D. often mentions that he and his wife, Chris, don't share finances.

[00:01:41] By contrast, my husband and I have completely merged our money.

[00:01:45] Both of our names are on every bank account, asset, and debt we have. We share every penny,

[00:01:50] and every decision about what to do with those pennies. Whether you choose to go all-in like

[00:01:55] we did or hold onto your independence, you live with your spouse's spending choices,

[00:02:01] for good or ill. If you have kids, they'll inherit the fruits of your shared financial life.

[00:02:07] And while research suggests that money isn't as responsible for divorce as many experts believe,

[00:02:13] it can certainly sour goodwill in a relationship. Trust me on this one.

[00:02:18] The really dangerous part is to pretend that marriage has nothing to do with money.

[00:02:23] Of course, that's exactly what nearly every aspect of our culture encourages us to do.

[00:02:28] I've never seen a romantic comedy about a happy couple who fall madly in love as their hands

[00:02:33] touch at the customer service counter, and they realize they're cashing in the exact same rebate

[00:02:38] coupon. Lovers in literature don't stare deeply into one another's eyes and murmur sweet nothings

[00:02:44] about their checkbook balances. In fact, we're taught to ignore the financial side of choosing a

[00:02:50] mate. Literature and pop culture are full of romantic tales of giving up the wealthy suitor

[00:02:55] for the poor beloved. Our language offers an array of derogatory terms like gold digger to define

[00:03:01] someone who cares about their sweetheart's net worth. But the bottom line is that we ignore the

[00:03:07] business side of marriage at our peril. The day my husband and I got married, the commonwealth

[00:03:13] of Massachusetts legally merged our financial lives. Many states do this, assuming an equal

[00:03:19] share of assets and debts in a marriage. You can create a prenuptial agreement that will define how

[00:03:25] assets are divided in the event of a divorce, but to do so you have to acknowledge both the financial

[00:03:30] side of saying I do and the reality that half of marriages end in divorce. Given how driven by

[00:03:37] romantic love most of our marriages are, it's perfectly understandable that most couples don't

[00:03:42] go to this extreme. To set a good financial foundation for your future, here are five

[00:03:48] things you should do before you get married. 1. Know thyself

[00:03:54] Before you share the details of your bank accounts with your lover, be sure you know them yourself.

[00:04:00] If you have debts, know the total amount you owe and what interest rates you pay on it.

[00:04:06] Know where your assets are and what they're worth. Your intended should love you regardless of your

[00:04:11] net worth, but you'll both need to grapple with that number eventually. Better to be upfront.

[00:04:17] 2. Know your partner When you're both in a calm, happy place,

[00:04:22] sit down together and share your financial information. Try to be open and non-judgmental

[00:04:28] about your partner's financial history and your own. There's no need to feel guilty for being in

[00:04:33] debt, having more money in your savings account than your partner, or having a spotty credit

[00:04:38] history. But you do need to be honest. It might help if both of you can think of financial issues

[00:04:43] as just another challenge of a life together. You can embrace your partner's lousy credit

[00:04:48] and attempt to help him recover in the same way that you could support him in recovering

[00:04:52] from an illness. 3. Know your habits

[00:04:57] Even if you don't routinely track your spending, consider doing so together or separately for three

[00:05:02] months before you tie the knot. You'll get good information about your spending habits,

[00:05:07] and if you can share the information, you'll both have a better idea of what you're in for

[00:05:12] and what challenges might lie ahead. 4. Know what you want

[00:05:18] As JD, the owner of this site, so emphatically and elegantly says in chapter 2 of his book,

[00:05:24] Your Money, The Missing Manual, the path to wealth is paved with goals. You need to have some.

[00:05:31] Your marriage will be better if those goals are ones you and your partner create and pursue together.

[00:05:36] A lot of marriages suffer when couples discover several years in that their long-term visions

[00:05:41] don't line up. If you know your goals include homeschooling five kids, you'd better make that

[00:05:46] clear to your spouse. You don't want to find out his priority is staying child-free and sailing

[00:05:51] around the world in a hand-built sailboat after you've walked down the aisle. 5. Know how to get

[00:05:57] there Even a single evening spent establishing financial goals can do you tremendous good as

[00:06:04] a couple. Even better is to have a clear roadmap of how to achieve those goals. How much do you

[00:06:10] need to save to pay for that boat? How many years until one of you leaves the workforce to become

[00:06:16] a stay-at-home parent? Of course, not all of life's big events arrive through careful planning,

[00:06:22] but laying out a path lets you live and spend with intention from your first days together.

[00:06:27] It also gives you more flexibility to handle emergencies and surprises as they come up.

[00:06:33] Starting off well will pay dividends in joy and wealth for your whole life together.

[00:06:38] That's a wonderful wedding gift for the person you love.

[00:06:41] One little postscript on weddings You'll be married for much longer than

[00:06:46] you'll be enjoying your wedding cake. If you can, sail off on your honeymoon with no wedding-related

[00:06:52] debt. My husband and I eloped together over a long weekend in Vermont. I think the entire

[00:06:58] project set us back less than many couples spend on invitations. Seven years later, we're still

[00:07:04] happily married while we've watched couples who got hitched in more style split up. You just

[00:07:13] listened to the post titled, The Business of Marriage – 5 Things You Should Do Before Tying

[00:07:19] the Knot by Sierra Black with GetRichSlowly.org. And be sure to stick around for my comments right

[00:07:26] after this. And thanks to Sierra for sharing her work today. A really great post that I think we

[00:07:32] can all agree with in theory, but in practice, maybe not so much. The good news is that following

[00:07:38] her guidance today is not just necessary before marriage, but also during. So if you bypassed these

[00:07:45] ideas before tying the knot, it is still just as helpful now to pay attention to them. Perhaps

[00:07:51] the biggest reason for that is because goals change, sometimes by choice and sometimes not.

[00:07:57] So continuing to check in with your partner about finances, and being sure that you're staying on

[00:08:02] the same page and readjusting over time when necessary is critical. Your philosophies on

[00:08:08] spending might change, your desire might change, your income might change. These are all perfectly

[00:08:15] valid reasons for your financial plans to not look the same even year to year, let alone before

[00:08:21] marriage to decades into marriage. So keep up with those money talks everyone. I'll leave you to it

[00:08:27] as we sign off on another episode of ORD. Thank you as always for choosing to be here and staying

[00:08:32] until the end. I hope you enjoyed this post and took something from it. And do be sure to come

[00:08:36] back again tomorrow for a parenting episode. That's where your optimal life awaits.