2197: [Part 1] Foolproof Strategies for Getting Kids to Talk by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids on Parenting

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[00:00:59] And check out our full-proof strategies for getting kids to talk, part 1 by Dr. Laura Markham

[00:01:07] of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids.com.

[00:01:10] Hello everybody and welcome to our parenting leg of the week here on ORD.

[00:01:15] I'm Greg Audino your host and narrator, and I'm here with you every single day to read

[00:01:19] from different blogs about relationship building, focusing on parenting articles on Thursdays and

[00:01:24] Fridays. This week I have a longer post for you, which I will split up between today and tomorrow.

[00:01:30] So with that, let's get right into part 1 as we optimize your life.

[00:01:38] Full-proof Strategies for Getting Kids to Talk, part 1 by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful

[00:01:44] Parent Happy Kids.com.

[00:01:47] Quote, Most families tend to rush through dinner, especially the kids. They can't wait

[00:01:53] to get back to their computers and cell phones and iPods. But they'll stick around if the

[00:01:58] conversation is interesting. And the biggest determinant is you. If you see yourself and

[00:02:04] your life as a crashing bore, your kids will see the same thing. But if you see your life

[00:02:10] as an endless succession of miraculous and fascinating events, your kids will be transformed

[00:02:15] by it. That's by Shmuley Boteik.

[00:02:18] How can you get your kids to open up and talk with you? Most kids talk non-stop when they're

[00:02:23] in preschool. In elementary school, many of them begin to clam up with their parents.

[00:02:28] But there are strategies to get your kids to talk with you. And the more they get used to it,

[00:02:33] the more natural it'll become.

[00:02:35] 1. Notice the little conversation openers Notice the little conversation openers your

[00:02:42] kids offer, and drop everything to respond, at least once they're past 8 or so.

[00:02:47] It can be excruciating to tear yourself away from what you're doing to focus on a child's

[00:02:52] question, but how you respond to his overture is crucial in building closeness. To him,

[00:02:58] it's an indication of whether he can count on you to talk when he needs you, and much more

[00:03:02] important than any conversation you try to initiate, like when you try to get him to tell

[00:03:06] you what happened at school today. Parents who have close relationships with their teens often

[00:03:11] attribute their closeness to their willingness to be available if their teen signals a desire

[00:03:15] to talk, even if it's 1am and her boyfriend just broke up with her. This can be difficult

[00:03:21] if you're also handling a demanding job and other responsibilities, of course. But teens who feel

[00:03:27] that other things are more important to their parents often look elsewhere when they're

[00:03:31] emotionally needy. And that's our loss as much as theirs.

[00:03:36] 2. Ask non-judgmental questions that require real answers

[00:03:41] What was the best thing about school today? Do the kids at school ever talk about boyfriends

[00:03:46] and girlfriends? Who did you sit with at lunch today? Or how did the soccer game go at recess?

[00:03:53] These questions will get you a lot further than, how was school today?

[00:03:57] Questions that begin with why often make kids defensive. Why did you wear that?

[00:04:02] Won't work nearly as well as, what do you think most of the kids will be wearing on the field

[00:04:07] trip? 3. Don't jump in with solutions and advice

[00:04:12] Your child needs a chance to vent, and he can't hear advice until he does. Then he needs a chance

[00:04:18] to figure out his own solutions, which is how he develops confidence and competence.

[00:04:23] If you jump in with solutions, you make him feel incompetent.

[00:04:27] I find this so hard. I always want to tell my kids what to do. I'm a professional advice giver,

[00:04:33] after all. But when we can reflect feelings and then help them brainstorm solutions,

[00:04:38] kids find us more useful to talk to, and they're usually more likely to seek us out when they

[00:04:43] have problems. 4. Make sure you connect with each of your

[00:04:48] children every single day Make sure you connect with each of your children

[00:04:52] every single day, alone, even if it's just for a short time. Being on hand when they come home is a

[00:04:59] fire way to hear the highlights of the day. But any time you get in their space and in sync with

[00:05:04] their energy level works. When they're toddlers, we call it floor time. With 9-year-olds, you might

[00:05:10] snuggle on the couch while you chat about anything from their day at school to the coming weekend

[00:05:15] to a TV show you just watched together. With teens, you might develop a little ritual,

[00:05:20] like sharing a cup of tea every night before bed while the two of you catch up.

[00:05:24] Don't expect your son or daughter to invite closeness or volunteer vulnerable emotions

[00:05:29] at each interaction or when you expect it. But if you set up enough regular opportunities to be

[00:05:34] together, it will happen. 5. Build special time with each child into

[00:05:40] your routine Maybe dad and daughter go to a brunch once

[00:05:44] a month or play basketball together once a week. Maybe mom and son get to catch up on his life

[00:05:50] during the drives to swim team. Kids often wait for these routine times with their parents to

[00:05:55] bring up something that's bothering them. 6. Hear that in tomorrow's episode

[00:06:04] You just listened to part 1 of the post titled,

[00:06:08] Foolproof Strategies for Getting Kids to Talk by Dr. Laura Markham of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com

[00:06:15] And I'll be back in just a sec with my comments.

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[00:07:18] Okay, and thank you so much to Dr. Laura for a great start to this post.

[00:07:23] A lot of wisdom being thrown at us already. But if it helps you to simplify it,

[00:07:27] I think one common thread tying all of her advice so far together is just showing up without an

[00:07:33] agenda, right? Everything she's talked about so far is really quite simple as long as we can get

[00:07:39] out of our own way, not letting our preconceived notions or schedules interfere with truly

[00:07:45] connecting with our children. It's a matter of being there and being curious. If you can lead

[00:07:51] with these ideas, by the end of your conversation or the end of your day or the end of your week

[00:07:57] with your kids, you're likely to look back on what we've learned so far in part one and find that

[00:08:02] you checked all the boxes without thinking too hard about it. So whether it's this episode or

[00:08:08] another one that's list-based, it can always help to look for these commonalities if you find

[00:08:13] yourself overwhelmed trying to follow all the suggestions offered. But that will do it for today,

[00:08:18] everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in and listening through to the end, and don't forget

[00:08:22] to come back tomorrow where we're going to finish up this post and where your optimal life awaits.