2198: [Part 2] Foolproof Strategies for Getting Kids to Talk by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids on Motherhood

[00:00:00] Look, Bumble knows you're exhausted by dating. All the,

[00:00:03] must not take yourself too seriously and,

[00:00:06] 6-1 since that matters and,

[00:00:09] what do I even say other than, hey?

[00:00:12] Well, that's why they're introducing an all new Bumble.

[00:00:17] With exciting features to make compatibility easier,

[00:00:20] starting the chat better, and dating safer.

[00:00:22] They've changed, so you don't have to.

[00:00:25] Download the new Bumble now.

[00:00:28] Families have a lot going on.

[00:00:31] Let Oli help manage the mental load with new cognitive health supplements for everyone 4 and up,

[00:00:36] like delicious Lolly Focus Pops or Lolly Mellow Pops for kids.

[00:00:39] And for parents, try three new Brainy Chews to help you focus, chill out, or get energized.

[00:00:45] Find these cognitive health buddies for the whole fam at Oli.com.

[00:00:48] That's O-L-L-Y dot com.

[00:00:50] These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

[00:00:53] This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

[00:00:57] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2198,

[00:01:02] Foolproof Strategies for Getting Kids to Talk, part two,

[00:01:06] by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids dot com.

[00:01:10] Hello everybody, I'm Greg Audino and welcome to ORD,

[00:01:14] where I share articles about relationship building with you each and every day.

[00:01:18] And this time we'll actually be following up the longer read we began yesterday,

[00:01:23] so be sure to listen to yesterday's episode first if you haven't already.

[00:01:26] But if you're all caught up, then let's jump right back in and hear the rest

[00:01:29] as we optimize your life.

[00:01:35] Foolproof Strategies for Getting Kids to Talk, part two,

[00:01:39] by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids dot com.

[00:01:45] Number six, if you don't get the response you want

[00:01:48] to your overtures towards your kids,

[00:01:50] step back and watch how you initiate.

[00:01:53] Are you inviting a positive response?

[00:01:56] Kids have a lot on their minds,

[00:01:58] from the history test to the soccer tryouts

[00:02:00] to the newest computer game.

[00:02:02] Not to mention that by the time they're tweens,

[00:02:04] they are swamped with hormones

[00:02:06] and checking themselves out in every mirror they pass.

[00:02:10] Parents can be dismally low on their list,

[00:02:12] but that's actually a good sign.

[00:02:14] They can take us for granted

[00:02:16] because they know we're there for them.

[00:02:18] So find ways to get in their face

[00:02:20] in a friendly, inoffensive way.

[00:02:23] It's fine to demand and expect connection.

[00:02:25] You have a right to a relationship with your child,

[00:02:28] but you're more likely to find the response you want

[00:02:31] if you can help your child remember why she likes you.

[00:02:34] I was hoping we could go out for brunch one day this weekend

[00:02:37] for some special mom and Alice time.

[00:02:39] That'll work a lot better than,

[00:02:41] you never tell me anything these days.

[00:02:44] Number seven, if you make an overture

[00:02:46] and are greeted with something hurtful,

[00:02:48] disdain, sarcasm or blankness,

[00:02:51] try not to respond with anger.

[00:02:54] Instead, show your vulnerability and hurt.

[00:02:57] Say ouch and turn away

[00:02:59] before you give in to the temptation to lash out.

[00:03:03] Your son or daughter will almost certainly feel badly

[00:03:05] about having hurt you,

[00:03:06] especially since you haven't aroused their ire

[00:03:09] by attacking back.

[00:03:11] Remind yourself that this slight was probably unintentional

[00:03:14] and that being close to your child is your priority.

[00:03:17] Later, when you aren't upset,

[00:03:19] use a light touch to tell your child

[00:03:21] how much you wanted to connect and how hurt you were.

[00:03:25] Your child will probably apologize

[00:03:27] and learn something about relating civilly.

[00:03:29] If not, it's an indication

[00:03:31] that your relationship needs some repair work

[00:03:34] and that a heart-to-heart is in order.

[00:03:36] Reaffirm how much you love your child and want to be close,

[00:03:39] as well as your commitment to a home

[00:03:41] where everyone treats each other with respect.

[00:03:43] Then ask what he or she thinks is getting in the way

[00:03:46] of a loving relationship between you.

[00:03:48] Number eight, stay available.

[00:03:51] Most kids don't keep an agenda

[00:03:53] and bring things up at a scheduled meeting,

[00:03:56] and nothing makes them clam up faster

[00:03:58] than pressing them to talk.

[00:04:00] Kids talk when something is up for them,

[00:04:01] particularly if you've proven yourself

[00:04:03] to be a good listener,

[00:04:05] but not overly attached to their opening up to you.

[00:04:08] If you act like the information they have

[00:04:09] is a gem you need,

[00:04:11] they often won't be able to resist that power

[00:04:13] and will become even more tight-fisted about sharing.

[00:04:17] Young kids usually talk with no hesitancy.

[00:04:20] Some time-honored strategies include asking questions

[00:04:22] while in the car or while they do their art or build things.

[00:04:26] Picking up a crayon or a block yourself

[00:04:28] creates more connection and more likelihood

[00:04:31] that they will share their thoughts.

[00:04:33] With older kids, whether they'll talk to you

[00:04:35] depends on your overall relationship.

[00:04:38] If it's close, then they won't need to worry

[00:04:40] about whether to trust you with delicate information,

[00:04:43] and they won't need to seize a rare chance for power

[00:04:45] in the relationship by withholding info.

[00:04:48] So if your child isn't opening up,

[00:04:50] you might spend some time on the rest of this website

[00:04:52] getting ideas to strengthen that relationship.

[00:04:55] But do remember that teens cherish their right to privacy

[00:04:58] and resist being intrusive.

[00:05:01] Never waste a car ride or a simple task

[00:05:03] like folding laundry together.

[00:05:05] Simply being in the same room

[00:05:06] can create the opportunity for interaction.

[00:05:09] If you're cooking dinner and she's doing her nails

[00:05:12] or her homework, for instance, there's often an opening.

[00:05:16] Of course, if one of you is hunched over the computer,

[00:05:19] the interaction is likely to be more limited.

[00:05:22] Find ways to be in proximity

[00:05:23] where you're both potentially available

[00:05:25] without it seeming like a demand.

[00:05:28] Slating your availability is helpful, even with teens.

[00:05:32] I'll be in the kitchen making dinner if you want me.

[00:05:34] Or I have to run to the grocery store,

[00:05:37] but don't hesitate to call my phone if you need me.

[00:05:40] But the most important part of staying available

[00:05:42] is a state of mind.

[00:05:44] Your child will sense your emotional availability.

[00:05:48] Number nine, use indirect communication.

[00:05:52] Kids often open up more in the car,

[00:05:54] on a walk or in the dark.

[00:05:57] All times when eye contact is limited.

[00:06:00] Remember that these are great times to get kids talking.

[00:06:03] Another opportunity for indirect communication

[00:06:06] is when their friends are over or in your car.

[00:06:09] Just keep your mouth shut and listen.

[00:06:11] Your kid knows you're there, of course,

[00:06:13] but often is more willing to talk

[00:06:15] than if you were speaking directly.

[00:06:17] And number 10, listen.

[00:06:20] This is, of course, the single most important part

[00:06:23] of helping kids open up.

[00:06:24] Don't talk, listen.

[00:06:27] Reflect back what they're saying

[00:06:28] so they know you understand

[00:06:30] and then be quiet so that they can talk more.

[00:06:33] If they don't keep talking, you can ask another question,

[00:06:36] but keep your tone companionable, not interrogatory.

[00:06:44] You just listened to part two of the post titled,

[00:06:47] "'Foolproof Strategies for Getting Kids to Talk'

[00:06:50] by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids dot com.

[00:06:55] And I'll be back in just a sec with my comments.

[00:06:58] All right, and thank you to Dr. Laura

[00:07:00] for this great article,

[00:07:01] which we have now heard in its entirety.

[00:07:04] I liked that this back half of it

[00:07:06] touched a bit on the tendency we might have

[00:07:08] to let our egos get in the way,

[00:07:11] maybe responding or initiating with some friction.

[00:07:14] Obviously, as she noted, it's great to get ahead of that,

[00:07:18] but in the times that you can't remember that,

[00:07:20] know that there isn't any shame

[00:07:22] in apologizing to your children.

[00:07:24] In fact, sometimes it's your own vulnerability

[00:07:28] and accountability that gets kids to open up more.

[00:07:31] Oftentimes, kids can be overwhelmed by parents

[00:07:33] who are regularly modeling and encouraging good behavior

[00:07:37] because it can sometimes seem as though

[00:07:39] there's no room for error,

[00:07:41] especially if they don't see you making any mistakes.

[00:07:44] So remember that for kids and adults alike,

[00:07:47] taking ownership of the mistakes we make

[00:07:50] can be a wonderful driving force for creating connection.

[00:07:54] Obviously, making mistakes intentionally

[00:07:56] might not be the most useful of tactics

[00:07:58] if that's where your mind is going,

[00:08:00] but you can always try to make amends for an honest slip up.

[00:08:04] And with that, we've reached the end for today, everybody,

[00:08:07] and the end of a great week here on ORD.

[00:08:09] Thank you so much for staying with us today and every day,

[00:08:11] and be sure to tune in again over the weekend

[00:08:13] for more great relationship content.

[00:08:16] That's where your optimal life awaits.