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Episode 2199:
Evan Marc Katz reflects on the impact of Tinder on modern dating, emphasizing how the app accelerates judgment based on superficial traits and class biases. By dissecting our subconscious preferences, he reveals how Tinder mirrors real-life snap judgments, highlighting the complexities and contradictions of instant attraction in the digital age.
Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/online-dating-tips-advice/what-tinder-tells-you-about-yourself
Quotes to ponder:
"Essentially, we’re constantly inventing narratives about the people who surround us. Tinder appears to encourage these narratives and crystallize the extrapolation process and package it into a five-second, low-stakes decision."
"A 5-foot-7 male was 'too short.' A 39-year-old guy was decidedly 'too old' for Katie’s 33 years. Another is bald; she decides him 'too' much so."
"Tinder is by no means the cause of this decline. It simply encourages and quietly normalizes the assumptions that undergird it."
Episode references:
Marry Him: https://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Mr/dp/0525951512
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
[00:00:00] Look, Bumble knows you're exhausted by dating.
[00:00:03] All the,
[00:00:03] Must not take yourself too seriously and,
[00:00:06] 6-1 since that matters.
[00:00:08] And, what do I even say other than, hey?
[00:00:14] Well, that's why they're introducing an all new Bumble.
[00:00:17] With exciting features to make compatibility easier, starting the chat better, and dating safer.
[00:00:23] They've changed, so you don't have to. Download the new Bumble now.
[00:00:59] And, if you're new to the show, I'm your host and narrator, Greg Audino.
[00:01:17] And welcome to the show that's all about helping you improve your relationships each and every day.
[00:01:22] And I'll keep this intro nice and short for the weekend.
[00:01:24] Let's get right into this assessment of Tinder as we optimize your life.
[00:01:33] What Tinder Tells You About Yourself by Evan Mark Katz of evanmarkkatz.com
[00:01:40] I'm not a luddite. I mean, I was the first guy to make a career as an online dating coach.
[00:01:45] But advances in technology have led us down the inexorable path of instant gratification.
[00:01:51] Online dating, we've deemed, is too slow, too inefficient.
[00:01:55] Profiles? Blech.
[00:01:57] E-mailing back and forth? Waste of time.
[00:02:01] Let's just cut to the chase and meet as quickly as possible to see if there's chemistry.
[00:02:06] Enter Tinder.
[00:02:07] Now, I've already written my thoughts about this ubiquitous app.
[00:02:11] And since then, I may have softened.
[00:02:14] Not in terms of my disdain for dating this way – it's still horribly impersonal,
[00:02:18] sped up, and based on little more than attraction.
[00:02:21] But in terms of my acceptance of it.
[00:02:24] The genie isn't going back in the bottle.
[00:02:26] Better learn how to talk to the genie.
[00:02:29] Well, Anne Helen Peterson did a masterful dissection of Tinder.
[00:02:33] Not only its broad appeal – like a free bar where you don't have to actually talk to people
[00:02:38] – but how it reveals something about our subconscious preferences.
[00:02:43] Online dating does the same thing, but not as instantaneously as Tinder or the other apps,
[00:02:48] where really all you have to do is judge someone's photo.
[00:02:52] And judge we do.
[00:02:54] According to Peterson,
[00:02:55] Quote,
[00:03:16] Tindering thus mimics the relationship of checking someone out on the street,
[00:03:21] in the classroom, or on the subway,
[00:03:23] but with the added tactile pleasure of physically swiping the rejects out of your field of vision
[00:03:28] and your life.
[00:03:29] That is the real difference between Tinder and sites like OkCupid, Match, eHarmony, and Jdate.
[00:03:37] The endgame on those sites is an actual date, and a lot of times marriage.
[00:03:42] The endgame on Tinder is the web version of a low-stakes bar conversation,
[00:03:47] which may or may not lead to a date or relationship.
[00:03:50] End quote.
[00:03:52] Peterson goes on to use a friend as an example of how quickly and easily we judge,
[00:03:56] and the faulty assumptions we're all prone to making.
[00:04:00] Quote,
[00:04:19] Too eww could be any blend of traits that too white, straight, middle-class Katie read as repugnant.
[00:04:36] But some judgments are too secret and shameful to say out loud, or even admit to ourselves.
[00:04:42] Katie never said,
[00:04:44] too not white, too poor, or too uneducated.
[00:04:48] We cloak those judgments in language that generally circles the issue,
[00:04:52] nothing in common, he wouldn't like me, I can't see us together.
[00:04:57] Those statements aren't necessarily lies, but they're also not always full truths either,
[00:05:02] and often rely on overarching assumptions about what differences in race,
[00:05:07] class, education, and religion dictate not only in a relationship,
[00:05:12] but any interaction, romantic or otherwise.
[00:05:15] End quote.
[00:05:16] I went through this with Lori Gottlieb when she was writing Marry Him.
[00:05:21] A man in the suburban San Fernando Valley must be boring.
[00:05:24] A guy who likes Grateful Dead music must be a pot-smoking slacker.
[00:05:28] And so on.
[00:05:30] None of these are inherently true,
[00:05:32] they're just convenient assumptions we make to quickly disqualify people.
[00:05:36] Anyway, the author makes a very compelling case that the subconscious thing that allows us to
[00:05:41] reject some people and swipe right on others is none other than class, more so than race.
[00:05:48] Says Peterson,
[00:05:51] Tinder is by no means the cause of this decline.
[00:05:54] It simply encourages and quietly normalizes the assumptions that undergird it.
[00:05:59] The Tinder speak of we'd have nothing in common, taken to its natural extension,
[00:06:05] bolsters and refines the idea of two Americas with distinct values and worldviews,
[00:06:10] two discreet factions with little impetus to support
[00:06:13] that which doesn't necessarily personally affect us or our class.
[00:06:18] Ultimately, this admittedly unrandomized sample seems to suggest that the raw idea of attraction,
[00:06:24] that knee-jerk thinking from the privates decision,
[00:06:27] has less to do with our unmentionable parts
[00:06:30] and much more to do with a combination of our deepest subconscious biases
[00:06:34] and with our most overt and uncharitable personal politics.
[00:06:38] And if that's the case, it's no doubt the reason why Tinder is so popular,
[00:06:43] addictive, and ultimately insidious.
[00:06:46] End quote.
[00:06:51] You just listened to the post titled,
[00:06:53] What Tinder Tells You About Yourself by Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com
[00:06:59] and be sure to stay tuned for my comments right after this.
[00:07:15] We made this curse.
[00:07:19] Carved it in the blood of our backs.
[00:07:21] We did not see.
[00:07:23] We could not, but she did.
[00:07:25] And in the end...
[00:07:26] What will I become?
[00:07:28] Senua's Saga.
[00:07:29] Hellblade II.
[00:07:30] Play it now with Game Pass.
[00:07:33] All right, and thank you to both Evan and the work of Anne Helen Peterson for comprising this article.
[00:07:39] I find myself a bit torn by this assessment of dating apps,
[00:07:43] namely Tinder of course, versus websites.
[00:07:46] As a fellow relationship enthusiast,
[00:07:49] I do understand Evan and Anne Helen's shared perspective that it would be nice
[00:07:53] to free ourselves from biases when dating
[00:07:57] and take a more open, committed, perhaps dignified approach if that's what you want to call it.
[00:08:02] But at the same time, it's hard to argue against the nature of dating and daters
[00:08:07] just letting it spread its wings.
[00:08:09] You know, biases vary, but they're natural.
[00:08:13] What we seek in a partner varies, but it's natural.
[00:08:16] These things are constantly in flux all throughout our lives,
[00:08:19] and while we don't want them to steer our ships blindly,
[00:08:24] we also don't want to disregard them or shame them.
[00:08:27] I would imagine a lot of people on Tinder would listen to this article
[00:08:30] and stick to their guns even more
[00:08:32] because they likely find it liberating to not spend so much time talking with someone
[00:08:36] or going out with them before inevitably coming to the same conclusions
[00:08:40] and not being able to get past their attractions and preferences.
[00:08:43] There's probably also a sigh of relief that comes with the perceived freedom
[00:08:48] of being able to scout so many people so quickly.
[00:08:51] It feels easier, you know, and simply put, people like easy.
[00:08:55] It doesn't always get them into trouble.
[00:08:56] It doesn't always lead to the best of decisions either,
[00:08:59] but it is something we're all driven by.
[00:09:01] And frankly, people are going to approach dating apps and dating sites the same way.
[00:09:06] So, all in all, I encourage you to make mindful decisions when dating,
[00:09:11] but don't be too judgmental of your initial impulses.
[00:09:14] They're not necessarily laced with these classist motives that this article has suggested.
[00:09:19] It's simply your own nature and the nature of dating in this day and age,
[00:09:23] running their courses.
[00:09:25] All right, and that's going to do it for today, everybody.
[00:09:27] As always, I thank you for being here and spending some of your weekend with us.
[00:09:31] I hope you have a terrific rest of your Saturday,
[00:09:33] and be sure to come back and join us again tomorrow.
[00:09:36] That's where your optimal life awaits.