2201: The Forgotten (But Essential) Foundation of a Powerful Marriage by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on Martial Advice

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[00:01:00] 22-01 The Forgotten But Essential Foundation of a Powerful Marriage

[00:01:06] By Dr. Kelly Flanagan of DrKellyFlanagan.com

[00:01:10] Hello everybody and welcome to yet another installment of Optimal Relationships Daily,

[00:01:15] our second of the day actually. We also offer our weekly bonus episodes on Sundays,

[00:01:20] which you can find in your feed now. I'm your host and narrator Greg Audino,

[00:01:24] and we're going to get right to it today with yet another marvelous post from Dr. Kelly Flanagan,

[00:01:29] as we optimize your life. The Forgotten But Essential Foundation of a Powerful Marriage

[00:01:38] By Dr. Kelly Flanagan of DrKellyFlanagan.com

[00:01:43] As a marital therapist, I've watched beautifully communicated and perfectly organized divorces.

[00:01:49] And I've watched the gutsiest and sloppiest marital healing.

[00:01:53] Great communication can only take us so far in marriage. The truth is, to take our marriages

[00:01:59] to the next level, we must be willing to go to the bottom level. When I settle into my office

[00:02:06] chair for a first marital therapy session, the script is usually pretty predictable.

[00:02:11] Me – what brings you to therapy now? Brave and terrified and angry couple.

[00:02:18] Communication. Most couples, in therapy and out, struggle with communication and believe if they

[00:02:25] can become first-class communicators, their marriages will finally be satisfying. For decades,

[00:02:31] researchers held the same assumption, believing improved problem-solving skills would result in

[00:02:36] more marital happiness. Scientists now know this – good communication does help. A little.

[00:02:44] That is, for some reason, only a fraction of couples report more marital happiness as the

[00:02:50] direct result of improved communication. Even worse, most of those couples become chronically

[00:02:56] dissatisfied again within a year. I think dynamic, rebellious marriages begin by shattering a false

[00:03:03] hope. While communication is important, it is not the foundation of our marital homes.

[00:03:10] Marriage as a house. If your marriage were a house, communication would be the front door.

[00:03:17] Important for providing entry to the living quarters – those areas of life we spend most

[00:03:22] of our time inhabiting and discussing such as finances and jobs and parenting and leisure

[00:03:27] interests. But communication is ultimately not the key to the structural integrity of the marital

[00:03:34] home. Because every home has a foundation beneath the living quarters. In the suburbs of Chicago,

[00:03:42] for reasons of geological necessity, most homes have a basement, and they are a huge headache.

[00:03:48] They flood easily, and they can become a haven for mold and allergens. So, many homeowners in

[00:03:54] Chicago will leave their basements untouched and forgotten, full of old junk and lots of cobwebs.

[00:04:01] I think our marriages work the same way. Our marriages all have another door – the door

[00:04:07] to the cellar. And if you press your ear to it, you'll hear activity down there. It's the

[00:04:12] restless stirring of two trapped and hurting children. The basement of our marriages.

[00:04:19] When we stand at the wedding altar, we are not simply one adult being wedded to another.

[00:04:24] We are also two children seeking, finally, an adult who will meet our need for connection and

[00:04:30] belonging. I suppose that might sound like a bunch of Freudian baloney. But after practicing

[00:04:37] marital therapy for more than a decade, I am certain that until we enter into this truth

[00:04:42] of our interior lives, the foundation of our marriages will be cracked and rotting,

[00:04:47] and no amount of good communication will be able to repair them.

[00:04:51] As partners, we must descend into the basement of our histories – into our stories riddled

[00:04:58] with disappointment and inattentiveness and loneliness and shame and rejection – before

[00:05:05] we can fully understand why we are fighting and what we are fighting for.

[00:05:10] Because our fights in the living room are almost always about what's going on in the basement.

[00:05:15] She's fighting about finances, but really she's voicing a desperate plea for someone who will

[00:05:20] finally see her and treat her as someone entitled to the dignity of shared influence and control.

[00:05:25] Or he is demanding more expressions of gratitude for his career sacrifices,

[00:05:30] but really he's running away from a childhood in which he was never good enough,

[00:05:35] and he wants someone to look him in the eye and finally say,

[00:05:38] you can rest now. You are completely sufficient and acceptable to us.

[00:05:43] Or she's fighting about another Christmas morning spent at his parents' house,

[00:05:48] but really she's asking for the most important person in her life

[00:05:52] to make her the most important person in his life, because she never felt that way as a kid

[00:05:57] when mom and dad made their marital conflict the first priority in her childhood home.

[00:06:02] And the list goes on and on. We try to use our communication skills to neatly solve the

[00:06:07] often-discussed problems of marriage, such as how to spend our time and our money.

[00:06:12] Meanwhile, we are children seeking the satisfaction of much more primitive needs.

[00:06:19] So we reach compromises about in-laws and money, but we remain deeply hurt and lonely,

[00:06:25] and we wonder why. The answer? We need to enter into the cellars of our marital homes together,

[00:06:33] freeing the voiceless children we find there. Opening the Cellar Door

[00:06:38] Unlike the front door of our marital homes, the door to the cellar is not good communication.

[00:06:45] The door to the cellar is feeling. Feeling the fullness of our disappointments and regrets.

[00:06:50] This kind of feeling is often not neat and orderly. It comes out all sputtering and choking

[00:06:56] and wet-cheeked. It's excavated in fits and starts. It doesn't take turns or engage in reflective

[00:07:03] listening. It comes out like childbirth. It's a mess, and it happens by any means necessary.

[00:07:10] Often, a marriage is stagnant and dying because the communication is perfect,

[00:07:15] yet neither spouse is willing to feel their pain together.

[00:07:18] We must stop talking to one another, and we must begin feeling with each other.

[00:07:24] If we can do this together, if we can feel it together, and free the children in the cellar,

[00:07:29] and grieve our stories as one, our marriages will finally give birth to the kind of connection

[00:07:35] and the sense of belonging for which we are so deeply longing. We will discover that a picture

[00:07:41] may be worth a thousand words, but a wet cheek is worth a million. We will become lifelong partners

[00:07:47] who can communicate clearly and feel deeply, the dynamic duo of marital strength. And really,

[00:07:54] that's the forgotten and unspoken secret of marriage in life, isn't it? Weakness becomes

[00:07:59] strength, darkness reveals the light, grief gives way to peace, shame is transformed into

[00:08:06] worthiness, sorrow is made into joy, and messiness is glorious. May this be the year you join hands

[00:08:14] with your partner, descend into the darkness of your marital cellars, and surprisingly,

[00:08:20] joyfully find there the light of grace and the glow of authentic connection.

[00:08:29] You just listened to the post titled, The Forgotten But Essential Foundation

[00:08:34] of a Powerful Marriage by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of DrKellyFlanagan.com

[00:08:40] And I'll be back in just a sec with my commentary.

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[00:09:31] And a huge thanks to Dr. Kelly for an article that I thought hit the nail right on the head.

[00:09:48] Terrific subject matter here, definitely something that was a great reminder for me

[00:09:53] as I also fall into the trap of putting too much emphasis solely on communication.

[00:09:58] So now you might be wondering, how do I integrate this into my relationship?

[00:10:04] While it may be difficult to talk through, I do think it's pretty simple in structure.

[00:10:09] Sit your partner down and see if you can start a conversation in which the focal point is,

[00:10:15] what were you missing in childhood, and how does that show up in our relationship?

[00:10:20] That's the core question I think that Dr. Kelly is encouraging us to ask ourselves and our loved

[00:10:24] ones. And we might not have all the answers readily available. We often forget about certain

[00:10:30] traumas, or even if we do remember them, it can be difficult to draw lines between them and current

[00:10:36] events. But starting the conversation is an amazing first step. And if you can at least try to talk

[00:10:43] about it, the chances are you'll start to see the connections little by little in your day-to-day.

[00:10:48] Once you've identified them, do your best to offer reassurance and support with one another

[00:10:53] in these areas. It might be really difficult if your unique traumas actually conflict and

[00:10:58] stand to trigger one another, but paying attention to this and talking through it is where you want

[00:11:03] to begin. So I wish you luck with that everyone. It's time to wrap things up for now, but I thank

[00:11:08] you so much for tuning in as always. Enjoy the rest of your weekend and be sure to join us

[00:11:13] again tomorrow in the Monday Show, where your optimal life awaits.