2202: How to Relate to Others by Tynan on Improving Relationships & Better Communication Skills

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[00:00:43] Now onto the show.

[00:00:45] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2202, How to Relate to Others, by Tynan of

[00:00:52] Tynan.com.

[00:00:54] Hello everybody.

[00:00:56] Happy Monday and thanks for joining me again on ORD.

[00:00:59] I'm Greg Audino, and this is where I read to you from articles covering all different

[00:01:03] types of relationships, what they consist of, and how to optimize them.

[00:01:08] And then I offer my commentary at the end too.

[00:01:10] So with that, let's keep it going and jump into another post from Tynan as we optimize

[00:01:14] your life.

[00:01:19] How to Relate to Others, by Tynan of Tynan.com.

[00:01:24] I have to admit that I never thought I'd write a blog post on how to relate to others.

[00:01:30] For most of my life, I realized that I wasn't particularly empathetic, but didn't prioritize

[00:01:35] changing that.

[00:01:37] Then I met a very empathetic friend, and she just point blank told me that I should work

[00:01:41] on being empathetic.

[00:01:43] So I did.

[00:01:44] I'm sure I still have plenty of work to do, but even though I'm not an expert, I have

[00:01:49] a lot of ideas to share on how to relate to people, maybe because it's something I had

[00:01:54] to consciously work on.

[00:01:56] Maybe the biggest change I made is in how I judge other people.

[00:02:00] I can be pretty judgmental by nature, but that's changed a lot for a few reasons.

[00:02:06] I now have a process I go through to try to be more positive and understanding towards

[00:02:11] people.

[00:02:12] First, I realized that I just have no idea what someone's life is like.

[00:02:17] Even if I know a lot of the particulars, which usually none of us do, I probably can't really

[00:02:22] relate to what it feels like to live under those circumstances.

[00:02:26] Do I know what it's like to be a single mother?

[00:02:29] To have a career I feel trapped in?

[00:02:32] To have pressure from a spouse?

[00:02:34] To go through a divorce?

[00:02:35] To recover from substance abuse?

[00:02:38] I can guess, but I can't have that much faith in my guess.

[00:02:42] If I don't know what someone's life is really like, then I should assume that they are probably

[00:02:47] doing the best they can with what they've got.

[00:02:50] I've also come around to believe that almost no one is malicious.

[00:02:54] People act maliciously sometimes, but I think that almost everyone believes that they are

[00:02:59] good people and are actually trying to do the best they can.

[00:03:03] So when someone cuts me off in traffic and then gives me the finger, my first reaction

[00:03:08] is to think that they're probably having a bad day, are stressed out, and hopefully

[00:03:13] mistakenly thought that I made some driving error.

[00:03:18] Obviously that doesn't mean that cutting people off and giving them the finger is a

[00:03:21] great thing to do, but none of us are at our best all of the time.

[00:03:26] In the same way that I give myself a break for not performing at my best when I'm sick

[00:03:30] or stressed, I try to give other people a break too.

[00:03:34] This is a little bit useful for random incidents with strangers, or even in perceiving things

[00:03:39] you hear about through the news, but it's a lot more useful when relating to friends.

[00:03:45] If a friend flakes on me, I don't think that they're an awful person or that I'm

[00:03:49] not important to them.

[00:03:51] I just think that they're probably busy or stressed and feel bad about it, so I may as

[00:03:55] well try not to make them feel bad about it.

[00:03:58] If they say or do something that I initially perceive as a slight, I try to think about

[00:04:03] how they might see it where it wouldn't be an offense.

[00:04:07] Since we can't actually walk in someone else's shoes, we have to assume that they're

[00:04:11] doing the best they can.

[00:04:13] Sometimes things can't be excused away.

[00:04:16] Sometimes there's no perspective we can take that makes what someone did or said the

[00:04:20] right thing to do, but even in those cases, we can have compassion.

[00:04:25] I remind myself that I make mistakes too.

[00:04:29] Sometimes I put myself before others when I should have done the opposite.

[00:04:33] Sometimes I say I'm going to do something and then I have to do something else.

[00:04:37] Obviously I try to totally eliminate these sorts of things, but it's not possible.

[00:04:42] I once had a long-distance girlfriend who had a real job, so when I went to visit her,

[00:04:47] she would usually take a day or two off of work.

[00:04:50] One time, due to the flight landing after midnight, I make a mistake and I thought that

[00:04:55] my flight was the next day.

[00:04:57] She called me excitedly from the airport while I was driving around San Francisco.

[00:05:02] And then, after we broke up, we scheduled a phone call and my phone alarm didn't go

[00:05:06] off and I missed it.

[00:05:08] Years later, we agreed to meet in Boston.

[00:05:11] My uncle was giving me a ride, but at the last minute, my brother and his girlfriend

[00:05:15] wanted to come.

[00:05:17] His girlfriend took forever to get ready and it turned out the car needed gas, so I was

[00:05:21] half an hour late.

[00:05:23] It would be pretty reasonable for her to think of me as someone who was rude and late and

[00:05:27] didn't really think about others.

[00:05:30] None of that is generally true, but it's not hard to see how she could think that.

[00:05:35] So when I ascribe meaning to people's actions, I try to counter myself by thinking about

[00:05:39] reasonable excuses, even if the actions are clearly bad.

[00:05:44] Of course, if someone is always flaky or rude or selfish, you don't have to talk

[00:05:49] yourself into hanging out with them.

[00:05:51] The purpose of this process is to empathize with people and better see their perspective.

[00:06:00] You just listened to the post titled, How To Relate To Others by Tynan of Tynan.com

[00:06:06] and I'll be right back with my comments after this.

[00:06:37] Thank you to Tynan for this post.

[00:06:42] It's written with such ease and such a conversational tone, and I think that style matches the simple

[00:06:49] yet effective wisdom that he's sharing.

[00:06:52] I think what he's trying to relay here is that there are so many variables when it comes

[00:06:56] to who we are, that when trying to fully understand someone, we do a lot of overthinking that

[00:07:02] ultimately ends up being futile.

[00:07:05] There's both a truth and a simplicity in not knowing the answers, and Tynan is embracing

[00:07:10] that both stylistically and structurally in this piece.

[00:07:14] So I just love the alignment between his tone and his message, and all the ideas ring true

[00:07:19] for me.

[00:07:20] Number one, of course we're doing the best we can.

[00:07:23] Even if you see someone not making the effort to change a bad habit, that just means they

[00:07:27] haven't received the stimulus to do so.

[00:07:31] Therefore they're still working within their means, doing the best with what they've got.

[00:07:35] And of course we don't know the lives of others.

[00:07:37] He mentioned not knowing what it's like to recover from substance abuse as an example.

[00:07:42] Even that has endless layers beneath it.

[00:07:45] Is there a family history of it?

[00:07:47] Is there a support system in place?

[00:07:49] What substance is it?

[00:07:50] How long was or is the addiction?

[00:07:53] The true nature of who any of us are runs so deep, and I do believe that when we submit

[00:08:00] to this, we allow ourselves a more open-minded, a more liberal interpretation of people, and

[00:08:06] ultimately better relationships because of that.

[00:08:09] So thanks again to Tynan for this great post, but it is time to go now.

[00:08:14] So I wish you a wonderful rest of your day everyone.

[00:08:16] Thank you for joining, and I hope you'll choose to do the same tomorrow, where your optimal

[00:08:20] life awaits.