2204: Self-Interest is Not Selfish in Relationships by Alli Hoff Kosik with Gottman on Setting Healthy Boundaries

[00:00:00] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So, to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app.

[00:00:15] Now, onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2204. Self-interest is not selfish in relationships. By Ali Hofkosik with Gottman.com Hello everybody, and welcome back to another edition of Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:34] I'm Greg Audino, and I'm here reading to you each day from articles that can help you build stronger relationships. And in this episode, we'll be hearing another piece coming out of the Gottman Institute, which is arguably the largest center of relationship research that

[00:00:47] the world has to offer. So let's get right to it as we optimize your life. Self-interest is not selfish in relationships. By Ali Hofkosik with Gottman.com It's hard to fault someone for being selfless. We're taught to put a high premium on kindness,

[00:01:09] generosity, and the needs of others. Sharing is one of the first lessons that many of us can remember learning as toddlers. Making a decision based on our partner's preference or going out

[00:01:19] of our way for a significant other, even when we've had a difficult day ourselves, is sort of the adult equivalent of letting a classmate borrow the crayon that we really wanted to use, no? At any age, these selfless acts are considered fundamentally good. But that doesn't mean that

[00:01:37] being in a relationship with a supremely selfless person is fundamentally easy. What happens when a spouse's unflinchingly self-sacrificing behavior is built, brick by brick, into a wall so airtight that it's no longer possible to understand the interests and desires that they hold near and

[00:01:55] dear? Maybe it's as simple as your partner constantly deferring to you to choose the movie or restaurant. Or perhaps they are always willing to talk through the challenges of your day while never quite opening up about their own. Maybe you feel they are always telling you just

[00:02:11] what you want to hear. These selfless acts may feel good in the moment, but over time they'll limit your ability to authentically connect in your relationship. You may never learn whether they really like Mexican food and comedies best, and you may always wonder if their political views

[00:02:27] could actually be so similar to yours. Finding yourself in a constant state of agreement may grow frustrating, and you'll likely find yourself questioning if your partner's selfless behavior is too good to be true. For your sake, we hope it's not, but your concerns are perfectly valid.

[00:02:44] In extreme cases, you may even feel as if you're being stonewalled, which according to Dr. John Gottman, happens when a listener withdraws from an interaction. Have you ever felt as if your partner's conversational generosity was simply a tool to shut down the discussion and avoid being

[00:03:01] more fully engaged? Even if this conversation is sealed with a kiss and plans for an amazing weekend trip, the fact remains that Jim's selflessness comes with a side of disengagement, and there's no way that this goes unnoticed for Jackie. If you're struggling to find a healthy

[00:03:37] balance of authenticity and honesty with your selfless partner, perhaps you need to consider working toward deeper, more intimate conversations with them, drawing out their core opinions, setting a standard for more intentional, open, engaged, and reciprocal communication. Dr. Gottman has three basic rules for intimate conversations.

[00:03:57] 1. Put your feelings into words 2. Ask open-ended questions 3. Express empathy In order to draw your partner further into more connected conversations, I suggest focusing on the latter two tips. Practicing these skills in your day-to-day interactions may help your spouse to communicate more genuinely,

[00:04:19] dare we say selfishly, with you. Here's how you can apply these principles more specifically with your self-sacrificing special someone. Ask open-ended questions Start paying closer attention to the way you engage your partner in conversation.

[00:04:35] If they are more selfless than most, you may need to be especially careful to avoid the use of yes or no questions. After all, what selfless spouse wants to say no when their favorite person wants to hear yes? Maximize your partner's ability to assert their opinions and preferences,

[00:04:51] in their entirety, by keeping your questions to them wide open. You may need to do it more often than feels natural. Ask, what would you like to have for dinner tonight? Instead of,

[00:05:03] should we go out for Mexican or dinner tonight? The results may not be immediate, but as you establish a more consistent pattern of open-ended questioning about everything from restaurant choices to the best way to manage your finances, we're willing to bet that your partner will begin

[00:05:19] to realize that you expect them to engage with you at a deeper level. Re-establishing the ground rules for conversations in your relationship may take time, but it will pay off in the long run, in the form of a deeper connection with your partner. Express empathy

[00:05:35] Perhaps your partner struggles with authentic self-expression because their innermost opinions have never been validated with any sort of intentionality. Assuming you've started asking your spouse more open-ended questions, they may have begun opening up about their true preferences

[00:05:50] and desires. The trick now is to turn toward them, as Dr. Gottman always says, by engaging more fully in the conversation. Show your partner that what they're saying makes sense to you. If your partner is only taking baby steps away from constant selflessness, take baby steps with

[00:06:08] them. You can even show empathy for something as simple as your typically differential spouse's admission that they prefer Italian food to Mexican food. Bear with us, we know this sounds a little

[00:06:18] crazy. Oh, I totally understand that, you can say. I feel like we always get more for our money when we go out to that Italian place down the street and they have a great bread basket. What's the

[00:06:30] best Italian food you've ever had? Engaging with your partner in this way shows them that you are paying attention to their needs and that you may be in agreement with them as often as they are in

[00:06:40] agreement with you. Start small by validating their restaurant preferences and watch them become more comfortable asserting their input in more consequential situations. You just listened to the post titled, Self-interest is not selfish in relationships by Ali Hoff Kosick with gottman.com

[00:07:03] and I'll be back in just a second with my comments. And thanks a lot to Ali for this post, which we really appreciate her and the Gottman Institute sharing. A lot of good pointers brought up today

[00:07:13] on how to bridge that gap in conversation and make sure that both partners are being heard equally. And mind you, these tactics that she's discussed shouldn't only be used to help partners to express their feelings when it comes to day-to-day decisions, but also day-to-day routines. You know,

[00:07:29] the routines we fall into with our partners often become so forgotten about as we go on autopilot with them. So if they're started with a sense of imbalance, they can easily stay that way.

[00:07:42] For example, one partner might like to have dinner right after work and the other might like to have dinner right at bedtime. At the beginning, if the partner who has a hard time speaking up for

[00:07:52] themselves agrees to start having dinner when the other partner does, that's a routine that can easily be fallen into and never discussed again. Meanwhile, one partner's desires are consistently going unsatisfied. So what I'm saying is to use what you've heard today and also consider how it

[00:08:09] can help to mend imbalances that have been long since forgotten about, yet are still in place. But that's it for me today, everyone. As always, I thank you for being here and for doing right by

[00:08:19] your relationships. Enjoy the rest of your day and be sure to join us again tomorrow for a parenting episode. That's where your optimal life awaits.