2210: How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong by Carolyn Hidalgo with Tiny Buddha on Mental Freedom

[00:00:00] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So, to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show.

[00:00:17] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2210, How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong, by Carolyn Hidalgo, with tinybuddha.com. Hello everybody, and welcome back to another episode of ORD. I'm Greg Audino, your host and

[00:00:35] narrator. Thank you for joining me again today for more content that can help you to improve the many relationships in your life. And for now, let's get to another article from Tiny Buddha, complete with my commentary at the end, as we optimize your life.

[00:00:53] How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong, by Carolyn Hidalgo, with tinybuddha.com. Would You Rather Be Right or Free? By Byron Katie Do you have the freedom to say what you really feel? Do you share your true thoughts and ideas,

[00:01:13] or do you struggle to avoid hurting, disappointing, or angering others? It can be easier to try to meet others' expectations and avoid conflict. We may even believe we are making someone happy by not speaking our truth.

[00:01:27] What's the cost? Slowly giving up fragments of who we genuinely are, our authentic self. There was a time when right and wrong worked for me. I had stability, harmony, and a practical path for pursuing a career in accounting, marrying a wonderful man, and raising three

[00:01:45] beautiful children. I didn't realize I was following expectations of what I thought should make me happy, based on what I learned and believed to be true. I was living on the surface, stuck in the paradigm of right and wrong. Though I was happy, something was missing.

[00:02:03] Until I ventured within and followed my real passion – psychology, writing, and seeking spiritual truth – I couldn't see that I'd been living in the framework of family norms and social conditioning, not knowing how to listen to myself. I grew up shy, fearful of

[00:02:19] having the wrong answer, one that didn't fit into what others told me I should be, do, know, and think. The social mask forms the moment we're born, and we hear our first words. We learn to

[00:02:33] please, meet expectations, and avoid sharing our feelings, which can turn into a lifelong struggle to be good enough, to know enough, and have enough. We long to be seen and heard for who we are unconditionally, but we find ourselves on the path of conditional love, seeking the

[00:02:51] approval and appreciation from others that we eventually discover must come from within. When I began sharing my ideas, it went against expectations of right and wrong, and I faced criticism and judgment. I was finally following my own values and the things that

[00:03:08] excited me. I'd eagerly share with my family, not realizing how far out of the box I'd gone, and was met with silence or criticism behind my back. As I stepped into my beliefs, I encountered defensiveness and attempts to prove I was wrong. Conflict for the first time.

[00:03:28] Both of us were living in our ego's fear, needing to be right in a space of how could you think that? Then a 20-year friendship ended abruptly when I wasn't following her right way of business

[00:03:40] ethics. As university friends, we had both become coaches, leaving behind our corporate careers, and suddenly I was a competitor instead of a friend. She felt the need to control the way I did business. Sadly, it turned out to be more important than our friendship.

[00:03:58] Soon after, I faced blaming, false assumptions, and horrific judgments from a friend of over a decade. I no longer followed her quote-unquote right way, which culminated in a six-page letter about why I was wrong and who I should be, otherwise this friendship wasn't working for her.

[00:04:17] I was shocked and felt enormous hurt, disbelief, and some things I didn't expect – anger, hatred, and resentment. I hadn't felt this intensity of negative emotions toward anyone in my entire life. I couldn't forgive because I'd become attached to my way of needing to be right for her.

[00:04:36] At the same time, I developed a strong inner trust, validated by the most fulfilling life experiences in all areas of my life. Suddenly, I could see that who was right and wrong

[00:04:48] didn't matter. I was judging her for judging me. I was also trying to correct her in an effort to fix her, convincing her of my beliefs, needing to control or trying to change her to make me

[00:05:00] happy. It often happens with those close to us who are now hurting us with their disregard, disobedience, or disrespect for not following our right way. I now held the energy of criticism, finding fault in complaining, in judgment, blaming, resentment, and punishment.

[00:05:19] While I trusted what was right for my well-being, I needed to let go of it being right for someone else. Doing this does not mean we accept or absolve responsibility for all manner of words

[00:05:30] and behavior. It just means that we stop blaming and judging someone else and consider that they are doing their best from their own state of consciousness. The constructive or destructive choices they make form their learning and experiences, and can only be 100% their

[00:05:46] responsibility. We may have the best of intentions with our criticism and judgment, and we might find ways to punish, yell, impose, demand, and justify them as the right way. But love does not condemn. When we're coming from a place of love, we share, teach, and role model

[00:06:06] in a space of curiosity, compassion, and understanding. How do you communicate authentically from a judgment-free space so others will stay open to your thoughts? It may help to use these phrases. I notice that… Are you willing to… I'm curious about… Here's how I'm feeling,

[00:06:26] what are you feeling? Are you open to hearing my thoughts and feelings around this? Here's what I desire for our relationship, what do you want? Are you willing to listen to my

[00:06:37] point of view, even if it may not be the same as yours? I'm feeling disappointed or not okay with… …because what's important to me is… I think or believe that… What do you think or believe? What exactly did you mean by…

[00:06:58] And, I just want to understand where you're coming from, can you say more about… You may want to avoid certain phrases that come across as criticism and judgment, as they may cause defensiveness and affect others' ability to be authentic with you.

[00:07:14] Phrases like… You should… You never… You always… Why can't you get that… What's wrong with you? Why or how can you not see that… I'm so disappointed that you… …I can't believe you… And you are so…

[00:07:38] I've learned that at times, I cannot be authentic because it will bring out someone's ego, blaming, complaining, or condemning, even if I share from a genuine place of love. We have no control over where someone chooses to live on the spectrum of fear vs. love

[00:07:54] and must discern whether there's space to share and what's better left unsaid, so we don't step on other people's spiritual path. Sometimes we may simply need to wish others well on their journey, creating a new space for both sides to reflect on what truly matters.

[00:08:10] This is also a loving choice. And when you live without judgment, you won't need to be right, because you'll be free. Out beyond ideas of right and wrong, there is a field. I'll meet you there. That's by Rumi. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:08:32] How To Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong, by Carolyn Hidalgo with tinybuddha.com. And be sure to stick around for my commentary right after this. Ok, and thank you to Carolyn for this post. Though I think a disclaimer needs to be added

[00:08:47] for one of her thoughts at the end, specifically when she said, I've learned that at times, I cannot be authentic because it will bring out someone's ego, blaming, complaining or condemning, even if I share from a genuine place of love.

[00:09:01] I believe what she meant is that she can't always be authentic and necessarily expect the person her comments are directed towards to receive them well. However, this does not mean that she is not allowed or should not choose to be authentic.

[00:09:16] For many people, authenticity is a goal that we want to maintain at all costs, separate from the reactions of others. And that's something I believe we should all reflect on. Is it more important for me in this stage of life, or in this scenario, or with this person,

[00:09:32] to be authentic and completely honest, or to choose my words in such a way that will maybe hopefully strike a balance between my authenticity and the comfort of those I'm speaking with? Alright, that's going to bring us to the end for today everyone.

[00:09:45] Ask yourself how you want to show up with those around you, how it impacts them, and how it impacts you. I wish you good luck with that self-questioning. And with that, be sure to stop in again tomorrow for more ORD, where your optimal life awaits.