2226: [Part 1] How to Tell If You're Too Picky With Guys or Settling by Melissa Josue of Melissa The Love Coach on Modern Dating

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2226. How to Tell If Youre Too Picky With Guys or Settling. Part 1 by Melissa Josue of MelissaTheLoveCoach.com. Hello everybody and welcome back to the show that's all about helping you create better,

[00:00:17] stronger relationships, Optimal Relationships Daily. I'm Greg Audino, your host and narrator, here with you each day of the week reading content for you or answering your personal relationship questions, should you have any. And you can email those into advice

[00:00:32] at oldpodcast.com by the way. That's advised at oldpodcast.com. And then sometimes what I'll do is break up longer posts into two episodes and read them consecutively. And that's what we're doing today. I'm going to start this article from Melissa Josue, aka Melissa The Love Coach,

[00:00:50] on how to tell if you are too picky or if you're settling. So with that, let's jump into part one now and start optimizing your life. How to Tell If You're Too Picky With Guys or Settling. Part 1

[00:01:07] by Melissa Josue of MelissaTheLoveCoach.com. Am I being too picky with guys? How do I know if I'm settling? I hear these questions in my client sessions often. These questions are very closely related because they stem from the same issue, unmet needs. If you're passing on dating

[00:01:25] some men, it's likely because you've seen or experienced with your date that important needs won't be met if you continue to date them. If you're wondering if you're settling, it's likely because some important needs aren't being met and you're considering continuing the relationship

[00:01:39] anyway. Like most women, you have your list. Whether you're fully conscious of it or not, and whether it's in your head or written down, it's your list of qualities that you want in a

[00:01:49] man or a partnership. Maybe it's a rough list of a few things or a long list of everything you want in a partner. But when you've been putting yourself out there, meeting men, going on dates,

[00:01:59] and you're not meeting anyone who meets all the criteria on your list, it can be frustrating. It can make you wonder if you're being too picky. You're thrilled when you find someone you really

[00:02:09] connect with but then disappointed when he doesn't fulfill what's on your list. You start to question whether your standards are too high, whether you really should have everything that's on your list. You're tempted to lower your standards to settle because you're worried whether you're

[00:02:23] wasting your time. And because you haven't found anyone yet despite your efforts, you're feeling really concerned about if you're ever going to find what you're looking for. Can you relate? Are you too picky? Here's what's really going on. You're not too picky. You know

[00:02:38] in your heart that everything on your list matters to you on one level or another. Otherwise, why would you even bother to put it on your list, right? But here's the point that women often miss

[00:02:48] when dating. Everything on your list matters to you on some level or another, but not everything on your list carries equal weight. What we're not often fully conscious of is what do those things

[00:03:00] on your list really mean to you and to what degree do these things matter to you. And this is where we run into trouble and confusion because if they're on your list, all those things matter.

[00:03:11] But some things are wants, nice to have but not requirements, and other things are deal breakers, must have, and others are somewhere in between. Needs, still really important but not deal breakers. But when you don't know to what degree the things on your list matter to you,

[00:03:30] and when you try to apply everything on your list with equal weight to a dating prospect, you're going to 1. Dramatically lower your pool of eligible men and 2. Cause a lot of confusion, frustration, and self-doubt on your dating journey because you don't have the clarity

[00:03:46] to know when you should cut bait or keep seeing him. For example, if you're looking for someone who is good in bed and trustworthy, you have to be really clear on what those qualities and

[00:03:58] experiences mean to you and what they look like for you in your ideal partnership. Otherwise, how would you know it when you see it or don't see it? The key is how you define good in bed and trustworthy is what matters. The problem with settling.

[00:04:15] The problem with lowering your standards is that when you expect less, you get less. And if you settle and don't find a relationship that has what you really need and require, then there's always going to be a part of you that will be discontented about what you felt

[00:04:29] you settled on, if it was something truly important to you and your happiness. This is why it's so important to get clear on what you want and need in a relationship before becoming exclusive and making a commitment so that you can make a conscious choice about

[00:04:42] whether someone is a good long-term fit for you versus finding out that he's not really a good fit for you when you're already deeply invested and it's much more painful to break up, like three

[00:04:53] kids and a mortgage later. Step-by-step solution on how to solve the confusion around whether you're being too picky. So if you worry that you're settling or wonder whether you're being too picky, here's what you should do instead to answer that burning question and move beyond the

[00:05:08] confusion once and for all. One, get your list and write it out if you don't already have it written out. Two, look at each thing on your list and really ask yourself what that means to you.

[00:05:20] For example, if you have affectionate on your list, what does that really mean to you? What does that look like and feel like in the kind of relationship that you really want? Focus on getting clear on

[00:05:31] the kind of experience that you want in a relationship, not the traits. If you want great communication, what does that really look like and feel like in the relationship you want? That clarity is so important for identifying what you really want when you're out there dating and in

[00:05:45] the moment. Number three, sort your list. Remember, not all things on your list carry equal weight. Some things are more important to you than others. Sort out which are deal breakers, non-negotiable, needs, important, still a must have to some degree but not a deal breaker,

[00:06:03] and wants, icing on the cake but not a must have. To be continued, you just listened to part one of the post titled, How to Tell If You're Too Picky With Guys or Settling by Melissa Josu of melissathelovecoach.com.

[00:06:23] Okay, and a great start for Melissa in this post. Really enjoying it so far and I don't know about you but I'm starting to think about how breaking up our list of wants, needs, and deal breakers can

[00:06:35] be applied not only to relationships but also to other parts of our lives where we want to thrive and carefully pick from all of our options as well. There's more to get through and these thoughts

[00:06:46] will continue to explore tomorrow. I'm going to save the majority of my commentary for then once we've gotten through the rest. But for now everyone, enjoy the remainder of your Monday if you're

[00:06:55] listening in real time. Thanks a lot for tuning in today and every day, and I'll be back with you tomorrow for the rest of this post where your optimal life awaits.