2227: [Part 2] How to Tell If You're Too Picky With Guys or Settling by Melissa Josue of Melissa The Love Coach on Dating Advice

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2227. How to Tell If You're Too Picky With Guys or Settling, Part 2 by Melissa Josue of MelissaTheLoveCoach.com. Hello everybody. I'm your host, Greg Audino, welcoming you back to ORD for the second part of this article that I began reading from yesterday.

[00:00:22] We have a gem from Melissa Josue that I think has been a great one to start off the week with as its principles can set the stage for great decisions, not only in relationships, but all facets of life.

[00:00:33] So I'm excited to hear more of it and I know you are too. Without any more delay, let's jump right back in, continue this post, and optimize your life. How to Tell If You're Too Picky With Guys or Settling, Part 2 by Melissa Josue of MelissaTheLoveCoach.com.

[00:00:54] Number four, use this deeper self-awareness to sort and screen in your dating journey. When you're meeting men and going on dates, be aware when someone is or isn't meeting your criteria. Be aware of how important that criteria is to you to help you decide whether you

[00:01:09] should say, nice meeting you, but I don't think we're a match or keep seeing him. In my work with clients, I help women to be conscious daters. I help them get super clear on who they are and what they want and how to more

[00:01:21] quickly and effectively make relationship choices and overcome dating obstacles so they can attract Mr. Right faster with way less stress and anxiety and way more fun and ease. When are you settling versus when are you being too picky?

[00:01:36] Settling and being too picky sound like they're opposing actions, but as I mentioned earlier, they're actually a symptom of the same problem. We tend to settle or are too picky when we're not clear on what we really want in a relationship.

[00:01:51] Settling is denying or compromising some of your needs in order to make a relationship work. Definition of compromise to settle by mutual concession or to make concessions. The problem with denying your needs is that there's always a part of you

[00:02:04] that's going to be unhappy about that or feel like a need is going on met. So settling doesn't work if you want to be happy long-term. However, there's also a difference between settling and accepting. When you're settling, you're denying your needs.

[00:02:18] When you're accepting, you're not denying your needs at all. You're making a conscious choice to choose things the way that they are because that's how you want to be right now, but you're being true to your vision for the kind of life and relationship you want.

[00:02:31] I struggled with the question myself about whether I was settling. I love travel and I haven't really traveled much since I had my son and got married. At least not for more than a few days or very far. Before marriage and kids, I was all over the place.

[00:02:45] Turkey, Philippines, Alaska, Guatemala, Lebanon. In fact, I made a career out of it when I was writing for magazines. But my husband has a very demanding day job and he can't telecommute. And my son is still very young and dependent on me for his day-to-day care.

[00:03:00] I worried whether I had made the right decision marrying my husband when I realized that circumstances might mean I'd have to shelve far and spontaneous travel for a while. It got me down actually. I really worried about whether I was settling, but then it dawned on me

[00:03:14] that I'm still living my vision. Travel is still important to me. Adventure is important to me. But so is my family. My husband's career happiness and ability to provide for the family is important to me. Being there for my son is important to me.

[00:03:29] All those things are important to me. More important to me than being able to travel far and wide right now. And I realized that those things aren't mutually exclusive. Marrying a husband who can't telecommute or having kids doesn't mean I can never travel.

[00:03:43] It just means that travel might take a different form and duration, at least for now, than the adventure travel that I love and enjoyed. And you know what? That's okay with me. I'm still happy. I'm happy doing the day-to-day mom thing and having my son close to me.

[00:03:58] I'm happy that my husband is in a job that he enjoys. And those are what really matter to me right now when it all comes down to it. So I accept that farther and more spontaneous adventure travel just wouldn't be realistic or easy for my family right now.

[00:04:13] But am I settling? No. I'm not settling because I'm still being true to my vision for the kind of life and relationship that I want. I'm not settling because I'm still having my needs met, the needs that really matter to me right now.

[00:04:28] And I can still have my adventure fix in other ways. It might not be hiking Machu Picchu or picnicking on a sandbar in the middle of the Pacific eating the fish I caught that day. But there's still adventure, wonder, happiness, and closeness

[00:04:42] in taking a day trip to a regional park and seeing the look on my son's face when he sees a raptor flying overhead or a banana slug on a log for the first time in his life. The bottom line is figure out what truly matters to you.

[00:04:55] Figure out how you want to feel. Figure out what's the experience that you want to have in your one wild and precious life. And live that. Follow that. Find someone who's not only aligned with that, but supports and celebrates that desire with you. Because what's at stake?

[00:05:11] Your happiness, your fulfillment, your ability to be who you are in the life that you want to live. That matters. You matter. And so who you choose to share your life with matters a lot. So choose with your dreams in mind.

[00:05:25] Choose while being deeply connected to who you are. Choose out of love, abundance, and alignment. Not out of fear and lack. Choose consciously. And know that you don't have to figure it all out on your own. You just listened to part two of the post titled

[00:05:44] How to tell if you're too picky with guys or settling by Melissa Josu of melissathelovecoach.com. And a big thank you to Melissa for this great write up.

[00:05:54] I've talked a lot about this idea of understanding what your non-negotiables are versus your negotiables, or your wants versus your deal breakers, simply put. It can be so useful to sit down and distinguish between the two as Melissa is saying.

[00:06:09] However, we also need to remember that we are constantly changing and evolving. And therefore, so are our wants, needs, and deal breakers.

[00:06:18] And for that reason, as much as we might wish we could do this once and have a blueprint to follow for the rest of our lives, the fact is that we often need to revisit these motivators.

[00:06:30] Sometimes we meet someone who seems to check all of our boxes, but something is still missing some spark. Or sometimes we might judge ourselves for falling for someone who exhibits many qualities of someone we wouldn't typically see ourselves with. In moments like these, we are not lost.

[00:06:47] And judging ourselves for being too picky is not useful. Rather, it's an opportunity to acknowledge change that has occurred within us. Our values have shifted temporarily or permanently. And we now have an invitation to explore that.

[00:07:05] So continue to seek out those moments where you may need to retool your list of wants, needs, and deal breakers. And also be patient with yourself in those times, even if that means finding out that it might be best to sacrifice a little bit more.

[00:07:19] That's it for this one though, my friends. Thank you so much for being here. I do hope it helped. Have a great rest of your day. Apply what you've learned in this article. And I'll hope to see you again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.