2235: Is Anger Ever a Good Thing in a Relationship by Kim Giles and Kristena Eden of Core Living Essentials on Dating Advice

[00:00:00] Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So, to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now onto the show.

[00:00:18] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2235. Is Anger Ever a Good Thing in a Relationship by Kim Giles and Kristena Eden of CoreLivingEssentials.com. Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD. I'm Greg Audino, your host and narrator, and

[00:00:36] I'm excited about the post I have slated for you today. This article puts anger into question. Anger is definitely something that can be hard to navigate within ourselves or others, and hopefully you'll find today's work inspires you to look at the layers of

[00:00:49] anger and how it can be addressed a little differently next time you see it or feel it. Enough of my chit-chat though, let's jump right into this post and optimize your life.

[00:01:03] Is Anger Ever a Good Thing in a Relationship by Kim Giles and Kristena Eden of CoreLivingEssentials.com. Question. I'm a good person, but I do lose my temper and get excessively angry at times

[00:01:18] and often take it out on my kids and spouse. I don't understand why this happens and I don't know how to stop doing it. It's not the person I want to be. Do you have advice on this? Answer. When you get angry and lose your temper,

[00:01:32] it's usually because one or both of your core fears has been triggered. Your two core fears are 1. The fear of failure, the fear that you won't be good enough, and 2. The fear of loss, the fear that your life won't be good enough. The fear of failure is about

[00:01:49] feeling insulted, unloved, unvalued, unappreciated, or unwanted. The fear of loss is a fear that you won't have what you need, want, or deserve, so you feel mistreated, cheated, robbed, short-changed, or taken from at some level. Take a minute and think about the last time

[00:02:08] you were angry. Did you feel dishonored or mistreated in some way? Was it a fear of loss issue or a fear of not being loved, honored, or appreciated issue? Do you find yourself feeling this same way often? Do you have an easy button to push in this area?

[00:02:24] Your children trigger your two core fears better than anyone. When they do things wrong or make messes, you will either experience fear of failure, looking bad, or fear of loss, losing them or money. That is the reason you get angry with them so often. Most people

[00:02:40] have one core fear that is more dominant though and is their easiest to trigger. If failure is your trigger, you might feel insulted and get defensive too easily. If loss is your trigger, then you might be overly protective of yourself and feel mistreated all the time.

[00:02:56] See if you can see a pattern with your anger. Are you always feeling taken from or do you get angry when you feel insulted? If you can figure out your core trigger and recognize

[00:03:05] it, you will have more power to stop it. The problem with anger is it's a very powerful emotion, even more powerful than love. Because of this, it can completely take over, confuse your judgment, and cause some really bad selfish behavior. Here are some tips for getting control

[00:03:21] when anger strikes. Number one, calm down your body first. When you're angry, you experience the fight or flight response and your frontal lobe, the part of your brain that makes good decisions, shuts down. You will need to stop this physiological reaction to get your frontal lobe back on

[00:03:38] board if you want to think your way through this maturely. You can get control by relaxing your body first. Step back, go in another room, ask for a timeout, and then do some diaphragmatic breathing or relaxing muscle exercises. This is something everyone should learn to do to

[00:03:55] combat stress too. There is a worksheet on my website with different ways you can do this. Once your physical body is calm and you're thinking straight, go on to the following steps. Number two, recognize you have a choice. It is easy to believe that external events are

[00:04:11] what made you angry. It's even easier to blame other people, especially when they annoy you or they get on your nerves. The truth is, you create your emotions. Your past experiences, perspectives and subconscious beliefs cause you to attach meaning or significance to events.

[00:04:27] This often involves inaccurate meaning that drives your angry reactions. But this first reaction is never your only choice. You could stop and think through some other options. Write them down and write what the outcome of choosing each option would be. You will

[00:04:42] quickly see that anger never produces the outcome you want. There are always better ways to discuss problems, find solutions and change things. Number three, find the real problem. Anger is an indicator that there is a problem. The

[00:04:57] question is, is it your problem or is it someone else's problem? Is it a problem that can be changed or influenced by you? Or is it beyond your control? Do you need to get help

[00:05:07] with it? Is this even really about you? Or is another person having fear issues about themselves and just projecting that towards you? If this problem doesn't belong to you, set it down and walk away. If it does belong to you, figure out a mature, balanced, calm

[00:05:22] way to address the issue. You may want to run it past someone less emotionally involved to get some advice. Number four, use empathy to change how you feel. Empathy is the ultimate game changer.

[00:05:36] Ask yourself why would this other intrinsically good person do what he or she is doing? What are they scared of, or what might they feel threatened or insulted by? When you start to understand the issue from their position, you may gain some wisdom on how to solve it.

[00:05:50] You may need to give the other person some validation or reassurance to calm their fears. Even being willing to let them vent and get it out may calm things down. Focus on giving love, understanding and attention to the other person, because when you're focused on love,

[00:06:05] you can't be as angry. Number five, see this experience as a lesson. What can you learn from this incident? How can you use this situation to help you become a better, stronger and more loving person?

[00:06:18] How are you part of the problem? What could you do differently next time? If you focus on these questions, you will process your anger better and quickly get past it. Number six, get some exercise or do an activity that releases angry energy. Take a walk, go

[00:06:35] for a jog, run up and down your stairs or hit a pillow. Just getting the anxious energy out will help. Number seven, remember no person or situation can make you upset or angry. It's your thoughts

[00:06:48] about the situation that create your angry feelings, and you alone are the one responsible for those thoughts, so only you can make you angry. Situations themselves also don't mean anything until you apply meaning to them. This means there are always other perspective

[00:07:02] options that might make you feel better. When you are responsible for your anger, you also have the power to change it. Stay responsible for everything you feel. You just listened to the post titled, Is Anger Ever a Good Thing in a Relationship? by Kim

[00:07:21] Giles and Christina Eden of corelivingessentials.com. And thanks a lot to Kim and Christina for teaming up on this one and coming up with some great and practical steps to help their reader who submitted the question. It's always

[00:07:34] nice to walk away with some ideas about how progress can be made. And I might expand on these ideas by encouraging the reader to look for patterns in another way in addition to the one they suggested. I'm talking about both in what they're angry at and who else

[00:07:48] in their circle might be prone to anger. It can certainly be a long process to get to the bottom of an anger issue, but this would be a good start. So are their angriest outbursts

[00:07:58] all about something similar? Is it when their kids and husbands are late? Is it when they don't clean up? There might be an opportunity here for them to find something like that. And secondarily, they might find that their spouse, their parents, siblings or friends

[00:08:13] have anger issues themselves. So if it's someone related, could this be genetic? If it's a spouse or a good friend, is it possible they're picking up these angry outbursts from them? And if so, why? What does that mean and how could that be addressed?

[00:08:27] So a lot of room for exploration here and I will leave you to it now as we have reached the end for today. I hope you liked this article and took something from it, and I

[00:08:36] hope you'll share it if you feel someone could benefit from it. It's time to get out of here for now, but I wish you a great rest of your day and I will see you tomorrow for another episode of ORD. That's where your optimal life awaits.