2239: 4 Ways to Stay Connected During Life Transitions by David and Constantino Khalaf of Gottman on Personal Growth

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2239, 4 Ways to Stay Connected During Life Transitions

[00:00:08] [SPEAKER_00]: by David and Constantino Khalaf of Gottman.com

[00:00:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody, this is ORD and I'm your host and narrator, Greg Audino. Thank you so much for

[00:00:19] [SPEAKER_00]: taking the time to tune in once again. You've chosen a great day to be here because today's

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_00]: article covers something that no person or couple is immune to and that is tackling life in

[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_00]: times of transition. So without further ado, let's hear what married couple David and Constantino

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Khalaf have to say about how they handle this within their own marriage as we optimize your life.

[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_00]: 4 Ways to Stay Connected During Life Transitions by David and Constantino Khalaf of Gottman.com

[00:00:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Life transitions are like tides that can overwhelm even the strongest of marriages,

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_00]: the death of a loved one, the birth of a child, a change in a job or financial situation, a move,

[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_00]: an injury or illness. These are all external forces that test a relationship.

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_00]: We've had to navigate our own sea of change in the past six months.

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Constantino went from working at a large company to working from home for a small

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_00]: non-profit while David left a career in fiction writing to work a more traditional 9-5 job

[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_00]: at a small tech company. This sudden shift has left our relationship feeling unmoored and it has

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_00]: taken work and intentionality to stay afloat. David's new tech job has an intense training

[00:01:37] [SPEAKER_00]: program that leaves him drained at the end of the day. When he gets home from work,

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_00]: he doesn't want to talk or connect, he just wants time to unplug.

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Constantino's non-profit job has a lot of operational challenges,

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_00]: so at the end of the day, he wants to share his problems with David and talk through them.

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_00]: You can see where this is going. How do we stay connected when our minds are preoccupied by our

[00:02:01] [SPEAKER_00]: own stresses? We've had to be intentional about meeting each other's needs and creating space

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_00]: for affection and intimacy. These have been some of our best practices.

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_00]: 1. Scheduled Couple Time When transitions disrupt our schedules and

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_00]: routines, the first thing to go is usually couple time, which may seem more expendable

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_00]: than work or errands or household chores. To counteract this, we intentionally schedule a

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_00]: date night every Monday in which we leave the house. This may sound like a no-brainer,

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: but for many couples including us, it's easier said than done. We've had to literally force

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_00]: ourselves out of our apartment by lending our living room to friends from church who needed a

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_00]: meeting space for a weekly prayer group. Scheduling couple time outside of your

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_00]: normal routine is an opportunity to connect with each other. If you're not used to scheduling

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_00]: time together, consider trying it at least during the season of your transition. Use that time for

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_00]: whatever makes the best connection between you two, dinner out, another activity you both enjoy,

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: intimacy, or something that helps both of you relax. Even mundane activities done together,

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: such as errands or the gym, can be opportunities to connect when the time is right.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Number two, take turns giving and receiving love. It was difficult to remain present for the other

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_00]: person because we both went through stressful career changes at the same time. Constantino

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: became so wrapped up with his own challenges at work that he neglected to provide the encouragement

[00:03:32] [SPEAKER_00]: and support that David needed when he started his new position. A couple weeks in, Constantino

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_00]: realized this and made an effort to be more present when David wanted to share about the

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_00]: emotional difficulty of returning to a full-time office job. Constantino even began writing David

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_00]: little notes of encouragement and sticking them in David's work bag. Partners react to the stress

[00:03:55] [SPEAKER_00]: of transition in different ways. For us, it's been important to take turns tending to each

[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_00]: other's needs. For example, Constantino will make dinner when David gets home from work

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_00]: while David unwinds with a book and a glass of wine. David then makes time after dinner

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: to ask about Constantino's day and engage while Constantino talks about the challenges he's been

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_00]: facing at work. Consider taking turns tending to each other and receiving love so that you can

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_00]: both fill your emotional bank account. Number three, create rituals. We've made a habit of

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_00]: kissing each other goodbye in the morning and greeting each other with a kiss when we see

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_00]: each other after the workday. It's a simple habit but it also serves as a quick dose of

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: intimacy when we don't have time for much else. We also have some silly rituals. David, who rides a

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_00]: bike to work, rings his bell when he gets home every day. Constantino looks out the window

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_00]: and waves when he hears the bell. Another ritual we have is to write messages to each other on

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_00]: the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker. They're not always love notes, some days we

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_00]: just play hangman with each other. These are rituals that help to keep us connected,

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_00]: especially during times when we're consumed by outside stresses.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Small efforts can yield significant rewards. And number four, forgive quickly. We've both

[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_00]: been more irritable during this season of transition. We snap at each other more often

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: than usual or say things we wish we hadn't. It's important to acknowledge that a season

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_00]: of stress can put us on edge and make us act out of anger, frustration or fatigue.

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_00]: By naming this season for what it is, it's easier to forgive your spouse when they say

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_00]: something hurtful or act out of character. We've had to employ an unspoken rewind rule,

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_00]: allowing us to apologize and take back something that has spilled out of our mouths against

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_00]: our better judgment. And when it does happen, choosing to offer grace is a way to de-escalate

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00]: conflict before it begins. A willingness to forgive quickly is a repair attempt that

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: helps to avoid the petty conflicts that might further distance us from each other during stressful

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_00]: times. Both of our jobs are starting to settle down and we're looking forward to getting back

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_00]: into the normal rhythm of life. Because we've been intentional about caring for each other

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_00]: during this period of stress, we both feel buoyed by each other's love despite the tides of

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_00]: transition. You just listened to the post titled Four Ways to Stay Connected During Life

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Transitions by David and Konstantino Kalaf of Gotman.com. And don't go anywhere, I'll be back

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_00]: with my comments in just a minute. And thanks a lot to David and Konstantino for this article.

[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Some great ideas here when it comes to handling transitions. Ideas that can be used

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: in all kinds of relationships mind you. Transitions take a toll on friendships,

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: they take a toll on parent-child relationships and so forth. Really,

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_00]: transitions are so incredibly common. Maybe it's just how my life has been, but at any given time

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_00]: when I think back to maybe a year or two in the past, there's always at least one major change

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_00]: that I've undergone. And for this reason, I think that it's really imperative to normalize

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: transitions. There might be some going on right now for you that you haven't fully acknowledged

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_00]: simply because they don't feel life altering. But there are transitions nonetheless.

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_00]: The more we can remind ourselves that change is always occurring, the less taken

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_00]: aback we're likely to be by it. Not to mention, the more initiative we'll be likely to take

[00:07:27] [SPEAKER_00]: to create changes of our own. There can be a great feeling of safety when things are more

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_00]: certain. But so much so that we can ignore oncoming changes or changes we might like to

[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_00]: create for ourselves. So it's really vital to banish that way of thinking and learn

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_00]: to take times of uncertainty and stride. There's a lot of personal and relational growth

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_00]: that can come from doing so. So think about that, everyone. It's time to wrap things up for now,

[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_00]: though, so I'm going to get out of your hair. Thank you so much for being here once again,

[00:07:57] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'll see you again tomorrow for another episode of ORD, where your optimal life awaits.