2242: Surviving and Thriving When You’re Far Away from Those You Love by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Long-Distance Dating

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[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_01]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2242.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_01]: Surviving and Thriving When Youre Far Away from Those You Love by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of Dr. Margaret Rutherford.com

[00:00:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Hello everybody!

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_01]: Happy Monday and welcome to a brand new week of ORD!

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm your host and narrator Greg Audino.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Excited to start a new week with you.

[00:00:52] [SPEAKER_01]: Especially this time with a post on hand from the ever insightful Dr. Margaret Rutherford.

[00:00:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Let's hear her thoughts on making the most out of long distance relationships of all kinds

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_01]: as we get into the article now and optimize your life.

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_01]: Surviving and Thriving When You're Far Away from Those You Love by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of Dr. Margaret Rutherford.com

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_01]: In the technological dark ages of my youth, when the phone would ring, Dad would pick it up.

[00:01:24] [SPEAKER_01]: I'd hear him shout to my mom,

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Hey, Bat, quick! Get on the phone. It's Adam calling long distance.

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_01]: Mom would come flying. A long distance call costs a lot of money,

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_01]: so the message must be very important for a loved one to phone unexpectedly.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Usually the news was happy, but sometimes that caller needed comfort or quick information.

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Now long distance has nothing to do with urgency.

[00:01:50] [SPEAKER_01]: In fact, it's routine.

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_01]: You're a couple whose jobs require frequent trips to Chicago or India.

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Your daughter headed to Paris for her senior trip,

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_01]: or your son has a construction job in Brazil.

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_01]: The reality of normal family life frequently means that you're trying to maintain close ties with parents,

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_01]: children, grandchildren, and let's not forget friends who are far away.

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_01]: Technology, however, isn't enough.

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Technology makes all of that easier, of course.

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Between FaceTime, Zoom, WhatsApp, Skype, Instagram, or Snapchat,

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_01]: you can keep in close touch.

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_01]: Furthermore, you can see each other while you keep those conversations going.

[00:02:33] [SPEAKER_01]: But it isn't enough. The pandemic brought that home with a vengeance.

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Bear hugs weren't possible over Facebook.

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Hands couldn't be held via Zoom.

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Snuggles weren't possible on WhatsApp.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_01]: We couldn't be there for one another at the most difficult, nor the most joyful times.

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_01]: Now we're more back to normal.

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_01]: So I've come up with four core beliefs that can help to maintain a relationship's warmth and depth,

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_01]: while simultaneously managing its inherent vulnerability.

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_01]: And by the way, I am quite familiar with this dilemma.

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER_01]: I moved away from home when I was 17 years old.

[00:03:09] [SPEAKER_01]: My adult son lives hundreds of miles away from us,

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_01]: and many of my best friends live in different cities.

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_01]: So I know what it's like to be separated from people I care about,

[00:03:18] [SPEAKER_01]: surviving and even thriving through it all.

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Four skills to keep long distance relationships thriving.

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_01]: Number one, let the time you have together be whatever it shapes up to be.

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_01]: Avoid the impulse to think,

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_01]: this weekend has to be perfect,

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_01]: or the infamous, I have to cook all his favorite things.

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Because you actually may not know his favorite things anymore.

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe he's trying out vegan,

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_01]: where she no longer drinks chai tea.

[00:03:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Don't force things.

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Prioritize what's most important,

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_01]: but be flexible about the rest.

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_01]: Enjoy being together while you have the chance,

[00:03:55] [SPEAKER_01]: allowing the moments to evolve naturally.

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Remind yourself that if you try to make everything special,

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_01]: you might miss normal.

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Number two, realize that celebrations can happen any day.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_01]: You can perform incredible Cirque du Soleil-like twists and turns,

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_01]: and demand that others do the same,

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_01]: in trying to make a certain celebration or event happen

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_01]: when it's quote unquote supposed to happen.

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Obviously if it's something that only happens once,

[00:04:24] [SPEAKER_01]: it makes sense to do all you can to be there,

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_01]: front and center, smiling and applauding.

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_01]: However, long distance relationships can thrive

[00:04:33] [SPEAKER_01]: if you adjust your expectations

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_01]: and realize that holidays or birthdays can be celebrated

[00:04:38] [SPEAKER_01]: on whatever day that you can be together.

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_01]: It's the togetherness that matters,

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_01]: whenever you can make that happen.

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Number three, don't compare yourself to others.

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe your best friend has her daughter

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_01]: and grandchildren living a couple of blocks away,

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_01]: but yours is on the other side of the country,

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_01]: expecting her first child.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Or perhaps your neighbor has all of his siblings

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_01]: and their children over every Friday

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_01]: for a huge family gathering,

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_01]: while your siblings are scattered around the world

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and you haven't all been together in over a decade.

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_01]: It's difficult to not compare your situation to others,

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_01]: to mourn or even envy what you don't have

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_01]: in the face of others having it.

[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Social media can make this harder to ignore,

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_01]: but as the old saying goes,

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_01]: comparison is the thief of joy,

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_01]: and the best thing to do is avoid the bitterness

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_01]: and make peace with what you have

[00:05:28] [SPEAKER_01]: and what is possible.

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_01]: And number four,

[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_01]: make sure you don't let too much time go by

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_01]: without some form of contact.

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_01]: The marvelous thing about technology today

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_01]: is the incredible variety of communication

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_01]: you can have with someone.

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_01]: From ordering flowers for no special reason,

[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_01]: to asking Alexa to turn on lights as your partner gets home,

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_01]: to the arrival of a candy gram,

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_01]: all can celebrate the quality of your caring.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_01]: I know a couple who have been together

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_01]: for many years,

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_01]: the first three of which were long distance.

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_01]: They swear that the key to the longevity

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_01]: of their relationship

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_01]: is that due to being physically apart,

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_01]: they learned how to communicate well with each other.

[00:06:10] [SPEAKER_01]: They took advantage of their non-ideal situation

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_01]: and laid a strong foundation for their relationship

[00:06:16] [SPEAKER_01]: that has lasted decades.

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Every relationship requires a loving touch

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_01]: from time to time.

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_01]: And relationships need nurturing

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_01]: no matter what the distance involved.

[00:06:26] [SPEAKER_01]: So you want to be aware and do your part

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_01]: to keep the fire of the relationship fueled.

[00:06:31] [SPEAKER_01]: That's true for all relationships,

[00:06:34] [SPEAKER_01]: no matter how often you see each other in person.

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_01]: You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Surviving and Thriving

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_01]: When You're Far Away from Those You Love

[00:06:46] [SPEAKER_01]: by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:06:48] [SPEAKER_01]: of DrMargaretRutherford.com

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_01]: And I'll be back momentarily with my comments.

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_01]: And thanks so much to Dr. Marbet for this one,

[00:06:56] [SPEAKER_01]: a post that I'm sure most of us can relate to,

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_01]: whether we have partners, children, friends

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_01]: or other extended family who live far away.

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_01]: She offered a lot of wisdom in this post, as she always does.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_01]: But one critical point that lies beneath the cracks

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_01]: of this article is that

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_01]: we also must be prepared to respond

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_01]: if the person we care about who lives far away

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_01]: has not heard this episode or considered these ideas.

[00:07:21] [SPEAKER_01]: We must be able to remain patient

[00:07:23] [SPEAKER_01]: should these people compare your relationship to others

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_01]: or get pigeonholed into thinking that celebrations need to happen on the day

[00:07:30] [SPEAKER_01]: or have specific ideas of how the time in person should go.

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_01]: It's critical to remain understanding of this

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_01]: and show them compassion while still sticking to our principles.

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Reassure them if you need to,

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_01]: that you love them no matter what the time together looks like

[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_01]: when the celebrations occur

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_01]: and regardless of how your relationship might look

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_01]: compared to those who have similar relationship dynamics.

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_01]: One of the most important parts of personal development, I think

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_01]: is the ability to show this type of love and understanding

[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_01]: to those who have not done the same work that we have.

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_01]: So, think about that today folks.

[00:08:07] [SPEAKER_01]: It's time to get out of here.

[00:08:08] [SPEAKER_01]: But I thank you for your time.

[00:08:10] [SPEAKER_01]: I thank you for your listenership, your devotion to the show.

[00:08:13] [SPEAKER_01]: We could not do it without you needless to say.

[00:08:15] [SPEAKER_01]: So have a great rest of your day

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_01]: and start to your week

[00:08:18] [SPEAKER_01]: and I'll see you tomorrow for more ORD

[00:08:20] [SPEAKER_01]: where your optimal life awaits.