2243: Everybody Else is Cheating, Right - Not Necessarily by Dr. Gwendolyn Seidman of Luvze on Relationship Advice

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal

[00:00:04] [SPEAKER_00]: development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your

[00:00:10] [SPEAKER_00]: life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show.

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_01]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2243. Everybody else is cheating, right?

[00:00:25] [SPEAKER_01]: Not necessarily by Dr. Gwendolyn Seidman of Luvze.com. Hello everybody, my name is Greg Audino,

[00:00:33] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm your host and narrator and I'm here every single day to help you better your relationships

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_01]: through either the narration of helpful articles like today or in our listener Q&A episodes,

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_01]: which by the way you can submit your own questions to by emailing adviceatoldpodcast.com

[00:00:51] [SPEAKER_01]: Want to make sure you guys know you can do that.

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Now for today's work, we will check out a really great post from Luvze.com

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_01]: that's all about cheating, some of the numbers behind it, and how we can rethink our attitudes

[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_01]: towards it should we be tempted or have acted on temptation to cheat. Listen close though,

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_01]: there is something for everyone in this and I'll explore that more in my commentary at the end.

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_01]: But first let's listen to the article and optimize your life.

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_01]: Everybody else is cheating, right? Not necessarily by Dr. Gwendolyn Seidman of Luvze.com.

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_01]: Most people believe that infidelity is a very bad thing, yet a majority of people admit that

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_01]: they have cheated on a romantic partner. In fact studies have shown that about 75%

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_01]: of men and 68% of women have cheated at some point in a relationship. There are many reasons

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_01]: why people are unfaithful to their partners, but one possibility is that cheating may seem like a

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_01]: more acceptable behavior for us to engage in if we think it's commonplace and widely accepted.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_01]: If we think that our own cheating is less frequent or severe than the norm,

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_01]: we'll be more likely to let ourselves slide and succumb to temptation.

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Everyone else is doing it, so if I have one little dalliance, that wouldn't be so bad.

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_01]: We often compare ourselves to others and compare ourselves to what we believe is typical

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_01]: behavior. According to social comparison theory, if we want to know where we stand on a particular

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_01]: behavior, we compare ourselves to our peers. So if you want to know if your faithfulness

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_01]: to your partner is typical, you can compare yourself to others. Research has shown a correlation

[00:02:33] [SPEAKER_01]: between our own cheating attitudes and behaviors and the faithfulness of our friends.

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_01]: A study conducted in the Netherlands found that the greater the proportion of their friends

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_01]: people believe to have cheated, the more likely they were to have cheated in the past,

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_01]: and the more likely they were to say that they would be willing to cheat in the future.

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_01]: These effects were even stronger when asking about their friends' perceived attitudes towards

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_01]: cheating rather than actual cheating behavior. That is, if we think our friends are cheating

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_01]: or especially that our friends think it's okay to cheat, we're more willing to do so ourselves.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_01]: Believing that our friends are unfaithful can make these behaviors seem both more desirable

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_01]: and more likely to occur. The researchers argue that these unfaithful friends are providing

[00:03:18] [SPEAKER_01]: information about the merits of cheating, and that people assume based on the frequency of friends

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_01]: and fidelities that it must be worth the costs. It should also be noted that these findings are

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_01]: purely correlational. Therefore, it's possible that like-minded individuals simply befriend

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_01]: each other. Cheaters hang out with other cheaters. But it's also possible that we are

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_01]: influenced by our friends' attitudes. We're not just influenced by our friends,

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_01]: but also by whatever we believe is typical behavior among our peers. But sometimes our

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_01]: perceptions of the norms can be wrong. Pluralistic ignorance is when people believe that their

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_01]: own behavior is very different from the norm, when in fact it is not. This can lead people to

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_01]: change their own behavior to make it closer to these perceived norms. We are likely to

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_01]: overestimate the prevalence and acceptability of infidelity for several reasons. Typically,

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_01]: it is unfaithfulness, not faithfulness, that makes the evening news.

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_01]: Scandals involving politicians and celebrities are frequently brought to our attention,

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_01]: whereas faithfulness is not. Another reason is that if you have been relatively faithful,

[00:04:24] [SPEAKER_01]: it's easier to think of examples of other people's infidelities than yours.

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_01]: If your only cheating experience was kissing an ex-boyfriend at a party,

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_01]: but you have some friends who have engaged in more frequent or severe infidelities,

[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_01]: you may see yourself as especially faithful. In addition, people are highly motivated to view

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_01]: themselves positively, so we have a bias towards seeing ourselves as especially good,

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_01]: moral people who would not betray our partners. In two studies, researchers asked undergraduate

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_01]: students about their own attitudes towards infidelity among students at their university.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_01]: That is, the extent to which they felt it was acceptable for college students to cheat on their

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_01]: partners, as well as what they thought the average student's attitude was. They were also asked how

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_01]: often they had been unfaithful to a dating partner and were asked to estimate how often

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_01]: the average student had been unfaithful. These results showed that pluralistic ignorance

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_01]: about infidelity norms was quite common. The average student felt that their own attitudes

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_01]: towards infidelity were less favorable than the typical attitude, and that the typical student

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_01]: had cheated three times as often as they themselves had. These studies did not address whether those

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_01]: displaying pluralistic ignorance were more likely to eventually bring their own behavior in line

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_01]: with these false norms. But other research on pluralistic ignorance suggests this is likely

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_01]: to happen. For example, one study found that those who overestimated the amount of alcohol

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_01]: consumption on their campus eventually increased their own drinking to come closer to what they

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_01]: falsely believed was the norm, and that this pattern then reversed when they were educated

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_01]: about the true norms. This suggests that pluralistic ignorance of infidelity norms could follow

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_01]: the same pattern. Thus, even if no one in the peer group believes that cheating is okay,

[00:06:10] [SPEAKER_01]: the fact that people falsely believe it's acceptable could make them more willing

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_01]: to give into temptation, so this could eventually lead to more cheating.

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_01]: So if you are thinking that you might as well cheat because people do it all the time

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_01]: or because most people think it's not so bad, you should think again,

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_01]: you're likely overestimating just how acceptable it is. You just listened to the post titled

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Everybody Else Is Cheating, Right? Not Necessarily by Dr. Gwendolyn Sideman of loves.com

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_01]: And a really important read from Dr. Gwendolyn today, we thank her for that. And obviously it's a great

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_01]: read for those who have maybe had thoughts of cheating, but cheating aside, it remains a

[00:06:56] [SPEAKER_01]: really good commentary for how prone we all are to latching on to behaviors that we see or believe

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_01]: others are engaging in. So again, whether or not you've cheated or been tempted to cheat,

[00:07:07] [SPEAKER_01]: take this article with you and let it test your ability to really

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_01]: create and live by your own values. Hopefully seeing how infectious cheating is,

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_01]: okay so something that's widely considered to be extremely unethical and something that

[00:07:21] [SPEAKER_01]: you know the child versions of ourselves never would have envisioned our adult selves doing,

[00:07:27] [SPEAKER_01]: we can be reminded of how easily swayed we can be by things that do and don't test our conscience.

[00:07:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Obviously, we all want to be individuals, but it can be hard to maintain that

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_01]: when mixed with conflicting urges and a need to fit in. So however this exists in your life,

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_01]: cheating or not, stay vigilant, I'll leave it at that. Time to get out of here everybody.

[00:07:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for listening today and hopefully being very reflective

[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_01]: in light of this article, wishing you a great rest of your day and I will be back again tomorrow

[00:07:57] [SPEAKER_01]: with another one. That's where your optimal life awaits.