2254: 3 Truths to Help Parents Foster Their Children into Adulthood by Dr. Jack Stoltzfus of Parents Letting Go

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2254.

[00:00:04] [SPEAKER_00]: 3 Truths to Help Parents Foster Their Children into Adulthood by Dr. Jack Stoltzfus of ParentsLettingGo.com

[00:00:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody and welcome back to another parenting episode here on ORD,

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_00]: brought to you by me Greg Audino.

[00:00:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Great to have you here today and every day.

[00:00:22] [SPEAKER_00]: And with that let's jump right into this really terrific read from regular contributor

[00:00:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and parenting expert Dr. Jack Stoltzfus as we optimize your life.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_00]: 3 Truths to Help Parents Foster Their Children into Adulthood by Dr. Jack Stoltzfus of ParentsLettingGo.com

[00:00:42] [SPEAKER_00]: In the book I've written, The Launch Code, Loving and Letting Go of Our Adult Children,

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I describe three truths that form the foundation of the work I do with parents and young adults

[00:00:53] [SPEAKER_00]: to ensure a positive transition to adulthood.

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Love goes both ways.

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_00]: First, parents love their kids and kids love their parents.

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_00]: This belief is true even during very contentious relations between the two parties.

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_00]: When I ran a treatment program for late adolescents and young adults,

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I asked them to imagine they would never see their parents again and to write a goodbye letter.

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Since these young adults were often angry and contentious in their relationships with

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: their parents, I imagined this letter would be an opportunity to tell their parents off

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_00]: and vent feelings of anger, resentment and hurt.

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_00]: To my surprise, each of these delinquent, substance-abusing young people wrote how

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: they were sorry for their behavior and the trouble they caused and expressed their love

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: for their parents. It's clear and supported by the writings of Daniel Siegel that we

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: are wired for relationships so that even under the worst of circumstances, we long to express

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: and experience love between parents and kids. When the relationship is broken and love is not

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_00]: expressed, both parties suffer. Everyone desires success.

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: A second truth is that parents and young adults want the young adult to be happy,

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_00]: successful, self-sufficient and independent. This may sound obvious as a desired outcome,

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_00]: but the process of working toward this and the vision of what a successful independent young

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_00]: adult might look like is not always the same in the eyes of the parents and the kids.

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: It's a case of the devil and the details, and the root that the young adult chooses

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_00]: might be radically different from what the parent envisioned.

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_00]: That said, it's an important reminder to both parties that the end state,

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_00]: albeit defined somewhat differently by each party, is the same.

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: This is critical to my approach to getting parents and their young adults on the same page.

[00:02:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Since we're talking about young adults, they need to express their vision of the future

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_00]: and the steps they want to take to achieve this, and parents need to express a desire

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_00]: to help them with this process. Incidentally, I have not had any young adults say they just

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: wanted to live with mommy and daddy in five years or buy a van and head for Big Sur, the 60s fantasy,

[00:03:10] [SPEAKER_00]: or that they thought they would be happy living in a box under a bridge.

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Most young adults today strive for conventional goals, a good job and career, marriage and family,

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and a house. Unfortunately, the economic reality of owning a home is out of reach

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: for many young adults, thus achieving these goals takes much longer.

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Striving for a smooth transition

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_00]: A third truth is that both parents and young adults want the process of separation and transitioning

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: into adulthood to go smoothly. Our kids want to continue to have a good relationship through

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_00]: the process of achieving adulthood. Neither party wants to sever ties with the other and leave

[00:03:52] [SPEAKER_00]: with hatred or resentment. Failure to launch scenarios include the parents who kicked their

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_00]: kids out of the house or the kids who slammed the front door as they leave and threatened to

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_00]: never talk to the parents again. There is a growing trend for young adults to cut off ties with parents.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00]: One in four young adults living outside the home go silent for an average of four months,

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and one in ten never reconnect. This trend goes deeper than simply a letting go problem

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_00]: and may have roots in long-standing practices and resentments between parents and kids.

[00:04:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Estrangement from the kids we love is painful, and in some cases can be worse than death.

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone you love is not deceased but chooses to never talk to you again.

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00]: My mission is to find ways to prevent failure to launch and estrangement,

[00:04:38] [SPEAKER_00]: and to ensure that parents and kids at this transition stage stay loving and connected,

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: even though conflict regarding the future may exist. A young person who moves out and

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_00]: becomes financially independent but refuses to connect to their parent represents a failed launch.

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes this cut off is unavoidable and necessary, as in the case of an abusive

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_00]: parent or young adult, but this is still a failure to launch, and both parties will suffer.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Go long One final thought that relates to the

[00:05:10] [SPEAKER_00]: partnering that I try to foster with parents and young adults is the need to go long.

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Don't get overly committed to a view of your young adult or the situation as never changing.

[00:05:21] [SPEAKER_00]: It may feel that way, but in my experience, most young adults barring serious mental illness or

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: untreated addiction will write themselves at some future point. This may come after several

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_00]: starts and stops, mistakes and failures, and much experimentation, but it will happen.

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_00]: The most important virtue that parents can practice beyond continuing to reinforce

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_00]: unconditional love for their young adult child is patience. It takes hope, optimism,

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and a lot of patience to stick with our teenage kids as they struggle to emerge

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: as responsibly independent young adults. But we must never give up.

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled, Three Truths to Help Parents Foster Their Children

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Into Adulthood by Dr. Jack Stoltzfuss of ParentsLettingGo.com, and I'll be right

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_00]: to Dr. Jack. I really like his insights here today, and it seems to me that if these truths are

[00:06:23] [SPEAKER_00]: honored, a lot of great conversations can occur between parents and their kids who are failing

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_00]: to launch. You might be in this situation as a parent, and if so, it could help to sit down

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_00]: with your young adult, acknowledge these truths outwardly, and see what they have to say about

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_00]: them. Now for example, you might start the conversation by saying, obviously we both

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_00]: want you to find success, and for me to not get in your way. Why don't you tell me how you see

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_00]: that happening, and I'll just listen. Now you may not agree with the ideas they present,

[00:06:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and they might respond with varying levels of aggression. But even still, this mindful and

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_00]: empathetic approach taken by you is a great way of building trust and helping you both get on

[00:07:07] [SPEAKER_00]: the same page. So think about how you might broach these topics. It's time to get going

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: for today, but I thank you so much for being here and listening through to the end as always.

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Have a great rest of your day, and I'll talk to you again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.