2255: A Fine Romance: Secrets to Making Love Last a Lifetime by Dr. Donna Rockwell of PsychAlive on Marriage Advice

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2255. A Fine Romance, Secrets to Making Love Last a Lifetime

[00:00:09] [SPEAKER_00]: by Dr. Donna Rockwell of PsychAlive.org. Hello everybody and welcome back for another installment

[00:00:16] [SPEAKER_00]: of ORD with me your host and narrator Greg Audino. Thanks a lot for showing up over the weekend

[00:00:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and I will keep this intro nice and short for the Saturday show. Let's dive right into this

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_00]: really important piece. Listen closely as we optimize your life. A Fine Romance, Secrets to Making Love

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Last a Lifetime by Dr. Donna Rockwell of PsychAlive.org. The news isn't very promising. Less than two out

[00:00:46] [SPEAKER_00]: of five married couples describe themselves as happy while the rest are either somewhat satisfied

[00:00:51] [SPEAKER_00]: or living with a spouse in quiet desperation experiencing little intimacy passion or romance.

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Enter the Johnsons, Melva and Jesse, a handsome baby boomer couple with two grown sons

[00:01:05] [SPEAKER_00]: who appear to be the poster pair for the happy couple category. They are royal oak

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_00]: psychotherapists and relationship experts offering couples therapy and workshops. Upon arriving at

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_00]: their office it becomes clear that they can't keep their eyes off of each other. In light of

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00]: country's divorce statistics I was determined to discover their secret. As Jesse sits deep in the

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_00]: couch legs loosely crossed wearing a wool blazer dark sweater and trousers with a smart crease

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Melva sits on the edge of the couch her body turned toward her husband hands folded

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: intently in her lap laughing with a high hearty giggle her fiery red and black jacket

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: matches the brightness of her energy a striking contrast to Jesse's deep baritone voice and laid

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: back demeanor. One thing I learned about myself by being in a relationship with Jesse is that I

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_00]: needed to become a better listener begins Melva there were times Jesse experienced me as critical

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and I would say I'm not critical but I needed to pay attention to my impact on him.

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Melva says her reaction was rooted in frustration at not feeling heard

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_00]: and realized that she wasn't even listening to her husband I wanted him to hurry up she says

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: so I could have my turn. So how have they managed to flourish for 30 years of marriage?

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_00]: For starters two important qualities are required caring behavior and a proactive approach

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_00]: you've got to change your orientation from the me plan to the we plan says Melva

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: if the needs of both people in the relationship are being met if both are mutually satisfied

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_00]: there is real potential for a life of joy and fulfillment. The three predictable stages of

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: a relationship are one the infatuation stage which though pleasurable is not supposed to last

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_00]: two the power struggle stage where you learn to understand each other

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and three the figuring out stage when you discover how to live together under one roof

[00:03:09] [SPEAKER_00]: realizing personal vision as both an individual and as a couple there are always two realities

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00]: going on within a relationship at any given moment say the johnsons we tell people they

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: don't have to give up their reality of the experience what we call their country Melva

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: says the goal is for couples to cross the bridge to their partner's country and really

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_00]: hear understand and make sense of it and then imagine how their partner feels within that context

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_00]: having two realities is okay it makes growth possible as two people discover new ways of

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_00]: being together a central component to building a satisfying relationship is appreciating each other

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: successful couples experience feelings of appreciation support and safety my only question

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_00]: jesse says is how can i support her Melva is quick to stress another important rule

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_00]: no spontaneous expression of frustration or anger is allowed ever this is a point she

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_00]: emphasizes calling it dumping anger and frustrations are discussed by appointment only

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_00]: within a 24 hour period so neither partner has long to wait yet has time to calm down

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_00]: everyone has emotional parts of themselves that have not been fully developed and while buttons

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_00]: will be pushed and triggers will be activated relationships can actually help mature those

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_00]: aspects of our personalities as Melva says instead of getting upset when jesse is annoyed with me

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00]: i've learned to develop more of a curiosity the goal is that i get curious about this other

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: human being that i love and care about and realize that his intention though it

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_00]: frustrated me was not to hurt me it has more to do with what's going on with him

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_00]: but it's taken a lot of time she adds and it's not that i instantly do it even now

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_00]: partners must give 100 of themselves to the relationship recommitting every day

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: the relationship is looked upon as a sacred agreement the idea is to keep a sense of

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_00]: sacredness about the union and about the bond Melva says then when things happen

[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_00]: when you hit the wall or have a conflict you see that it's what is underneath that is an opportunity

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_00]: for healing and growth for each individual and for the relationship itself so what is the secret

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: to the johnson's enduring and satisfying relationship a lot of us live in fairy tale

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_00]: land thinking that things are supposed to go well all the time says melva inching up closer

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_00]: to the edge of the couch when we have difficult moments we can look at how we contribute to

[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_00]: the nightmare as well as how we contribute to the dream my part in the success of our relationship

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_00]: is not only to look at how i might feel wounded in the situation but also at how i am wounding

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_00]: by taking responsibility for everything i do and say i am honoring the covenant and being

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_00]: a responsible accountable partner being open is also key jesse says men are so afraid to show

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_00]: their vulnerability choosing to be vulnerable with melva was freeing and healing men can relax

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: we don't need to fix everything as melva adds looking wistfully at jesse what i've experienced

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00]: in my marriage over and over again more than anything else is that i matter you just listen

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_00]: to the post titled a fine romance secrets to making love last a lifetime by dr donna rockwell

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER_00]: of psych alive dot org and i'll be back in just a moment with my commentary and a big thank you to

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: dr donna as well as to jesse and melva for their contributions today as i was going through this

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_00]: article especially at the end i was reminded of a philosophy that my girlfriend and i have always

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_00]: lived by uh won that for as much as i'd love to take credit for was verbalized by her which is

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_00]: that it is you and me against the problem now this is such a simple yet effective mantra to live by

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and i find that anytime we're experiencing individual or collective stress repeating these

[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_00]: words internally or externally immediately grounds me and leaves me knowing exactly how to

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_00]: proceed as not to say it's always easy or that the right words or actions are always readily

[00:07:32] [SPEAKER_00]: available but the feeling is that our sense of union is always reinforced that curiosity is there

[00:07:39] [SPEAKER_00]: and we get back on the same team if we felt for a moment that we'd started separating

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_00]: into our own respective corners so today i encourage you to start repeating that mantra

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and living by that approach and see what it does for you in your relationship it's time to get

[00:07:55] [SPEAKER_00]: going for now though everyone so do that work share that love and don't forget to enjoy your

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_00]: weekend too i'll see you again tomorrow for more or d where your optimal life awaits