2257: [Part 1] What to Do After a Breakup to End Painful Relationship Patterns by Renee Suzanne with Tiny Buddha

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2257.

[00:00:04] [SPEAKER_00]: What to Do After a Breakup to End Painful Relationship Patterns

[00:00:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Part 1 by Renee Suzanne with TinyBuddha.com

[00:00:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody and thanks a lot for joining me for another episode of OLD.

[00:00:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host and narrator Greg Audino. Very grateful to have you here with me

[00:00:22] [SPEAKER_00]: again today for our second episode. Mind you we have weekly bonus episodes each

[00:00:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Sunday. This week's is live now and is number 2256.

[00:00:32] [SPEAKER_00]: But here in this episode we will be starting part one of a longer post from

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_00]: TinyBuddha about how to end painful relationship patterns

[00:00:39] [SPEAKER_00]: once and for all. So let's listen closely as we get into the

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_00]: article now and start optimizing your life.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: What to Do After a Breakup to End Painful Relationship Patterns

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Part 1 by Renee Suzanne with TinyBuddha.com

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Quote,

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_00]: When writing the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen.

[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_00]: That's by unknown. After my kids grew up and I moved to the city from the

[00:01:11] [SPEAKER_00]: suburbs, I became somewhat of a professional dator.

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I was determined to make up for lost time after over a decade as a single

[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_00]: mom and I was optimistic about my future.

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00]: My hopes were dashed almost immediately. Relationship after relationship

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_00]: crashed and burned, rarely lasting more than a few weeks.

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_00]: As soon as they'd walk out the door, sometimes within minutes,

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd fire up whatever dating website I was on at the time and begin again.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll never forget writing a new profile with a box of Kleenex on my lap

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_00]: and taking breaks to cry. I went out on dates feeling like the walking

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_00]: wounded thinking that was the best thing to do.

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Just get back on the horse as soon as possible.

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_00]: After hundreds of dates and a long-term relationship,

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_00]: I found a better way to navigate breakups.

[00:02:01] [SPEAKER_00]: The next time a relationship ended, I was determined to take the opportunity

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_00]: to build a better life for myself instead of simply running out to

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_00]: see who I could date next.

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Breaking up is tough. It can be one of the most miserable experiences

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_00]: of a person's life.

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_00]: If you're going through a breakup, it's important to give yourself the chance

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: to process it emotionally. If you take the opportunity to understand

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: your part in creating the experience, you stand a much better chance

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_00]: of having a more fulfilling relationship next time around.

[00:02:33] [SPEAKER_00]: The first thing to do is mourn the relationship.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_00]: This is not popular advice, but it is good advice.

[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_00]: We all want to get to the good part and this is definitely not it.

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: The thing is, if you don't do it, you'll have a mess on your hands

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_00]: that will infect your future if it's not cleaned up.

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Not taking the time to grieve is like throwing your dirty laundry in the

[00:02:54] [SPEAKER_00]: closet and never washing it. It gets out of the way for the time being,

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_00]: but it's a poor long-term strategy.

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Ancient cultures honored the practice of mourning.

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER_00]: In their wisdom, they understood that mourning is a part of life

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and helps us to heal. We've lost that in our day,

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_00]: but I think that mourning can be truly beneficial.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_00]: When your relationship has ended, set aside some time to be alone

[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and sit down, cry, journal, yell, really let yourself feel what's going on inside you.

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Face the fact that your relationship has ended and feel the anger,

[00:03:32] [SPEAKER_00]: sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness, whatever comes up.

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_00]: You may be afraid that you'll never come out of it, but you will.

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Locate the feelings in your body and welcome them as best you can.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Lie down and put your hands on the place in your body where you feel the intense emotion.

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: It may be your chest, your stomach, or your throat.

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Practice breathing white light into these places and visualize them healing.

[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Plan to spend at least a couple of days on this.

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Resist the urge to rush out with your friends, go back to dating,

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_00]: or hit the bars right now. There will be plenty of time for that later.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_00]: See this through so that it doesn't lurk in your heart.

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_00]: And once you're done, you will be done.

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Please treat yourself with compassion during this time.

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Take long baths, get plenty of sleep, and be sweet to yourself.

[00:04:25] [SPEAKER_00]: As tempting as it may be to numb out with drinking, eating,

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_00]: shopping, or whatever your distraction of choice may be,

[00:04:33] [SPEAKER_00]: try to minimize this. Waking up with a hangover,

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: a stranger, or a huge credit card bill will only add to your troubles.

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_00]: A breakup is the perfect time to do some soul searching.

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_00]: You'll have some alone time and your emotions will be front and center.

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Since breakups are so painful, I hope that you'll take this opportunity to discover

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_00]: how to make your life better in the future. Once you've mourned the loss of your relationship,

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00]: take some time to evaluate all of your most significant relationships.

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Start by looking at each of your parents or primary caregivers,

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: then your most recent relationship, and finally your last three relationships before that one,

[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_00]: for six relationships total. Use a separate sheet of paper for each person,

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and create two columns, liked and didn't like. Fill out a sheet for each person.

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_00]: After doing this, write down the traits they all had in common on a fresh sheet of paper.

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00]: For instance, you may notice that these people didn't keep their promises,

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_00]: or had short tempers. After you've written about them, make it about you.

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Write down what you did that you liked and didn't like.

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_00]: And finally, ask yourself why you continued to participate in behaviors you don't like.

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Were you on automatic pilot? Did you know at the time what you were doing wasn't a good idea,

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_00]: and did you do it anyway? To be continued. You just listened to part one of the post titled

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_00]: What to Do After a Breakup to End Painful Relationship Patterns, by Renee Suzanne with tinyboota.com,

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'll be right back with my commentary. And thanks a lot to Renee for a great start to this

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_00]: post. I think she's really spot on talking about the importance of mourning and making

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_00]: space to process your feelings between relationships. But mind you, each relationship

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_00]: is different, and it affects you differently, and therefore you are likely to process

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_00]: each breakup differently. So while making the time to grieve appropriately is a great approach

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_00]: to take after each one, what I'm saying is don't necessarily feel as though you need to follow

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_00]: the same grieving process or deadline as you have after breakups passed.

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: In some cases, you might just need a couple of days. In other cases, it might be weeks or

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_00]: months. Sometimes you might want to be with friends a lot. Other times you might lean

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_00]: more on family. Or at other times you might be alone, you want to be alone for a little while.

[00:07:04] [SPEAKER_00]: There's a lot on your mind to begin with. So what I'm saying is that while mourning is a

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: wonderful guideline to follow, the way in which it needs to happen is likely begging for variation.

[00:07:15] [SPEAKER_00]: So listen to yourself and trust your own process. But that's going to do it for today,

[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_00]: everyone. Thanks a lot for being here and listening until the end. And of course there

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_00]: is more to come tomorrow, including how to proceed after performing that exercise she

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: mentioned at the end of today's read. So be sure to come back for that where your optimal life awaits.