2258: [Part 2] What to Do After a Breakup to End Painful Relationship Patterns by Renee Suzanne with Tiny Buddha

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal

[00:00:04] [SPEAKER_00]: development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your life in other areas,

[00:00:12] [SPEAKER_00]: just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show.

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily, episode 2258. What to Do After a Breakup to End

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Painful Relationship Patterns by Renee Suzanne with TinyBuddha.com

[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_00]: When I did this exercise, I realized that many of the men I dated had kept me at a distance,

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_00]: just as my parents had. It seemed to be my default setting in relationships. I was afraid to really

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_00]: let anyone see me and have a chance to possibly disapprove of me, so I remained aloof and chose

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00]: unavailable partners. I also saw that I had remained in relationships long after I knew

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_00]: in my heart that they weren't going to work. I simply could not bring myself to face what

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_00]: was happening. After you've had a chance to reflect, pick five things on your list that you'd

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_00]: like to change and write about what you need to do to create a new experience in your next

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship. Do you see a common thread in these relationships? Have you been engaging

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_00]: in behaviors that are not working for you? As long as you continue to believe that life

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_00]: is happening to you, you'll continue to get the same results. Ask yourself how you're

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_00]: contributing to the state of your relationships and determine what things you'll do differently

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_00]: in the future. I decided to be more proactive in my future dating experiences by asking

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_00]: more questions and taking the time to get to know someone new before jumping into a

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship. I also became more vulnerable and honest about what I was looking for on dates,

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_00]: instead of just hoping we'd be on the same page. Once you've done these things,

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_00]: you'll have a much better idea of where you stand and where you'd like to go next.

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Take the time to do this thoroughly and you will bring more clarity and understanding to

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_00]: your next relationship. No matter how awful your last relationship was, how wrong the other person

[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_00]: was or how ready you think you are to find someone new, you must look at your part in

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_00]: this relationship or you'll be very likely to repeat your experience. Be willing to accept

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_00]: responsibility for your life, your past and your future. The common denominator in all of

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_00]: your relationships is you. You were there for all of them. If you have a pattern of being cheated on,

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER_00]: mistreated or dumped, you owe it to yourself to take a closer look at why these things happened.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: This doesn't mean that the other person was blameless, but you're the only one

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_00]: you can do anything about. If you don't want to keep dating these types of people,

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_00]: take a closer look at what's been happening. Do you have a pattern of tolerating mistreatment from

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_00]: those you date? Do you overlook red flags early on? At what point did you see that things were

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_00]: heading south? What, if anything, did you do about it? Did you speak up or self-abandoned?

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Did you hang on and try to save a broken relationship? Did you try to change him or her?

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Before you start dating again, sit down with a pen and paper and ask yourself these questions.

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Be willing to examine your actions, but don't beat up on yourself.

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_00]: You were doing the best you could and it won't help to judge yourself harshly or rehash every

[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_00]: detail of your relationship looking for all your quote-unquote mistakes. This is a process of

[00:04:05] [SPEAKER_00]: self-discovery and finding a better way, much like looking in the mirror and correcting

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: your form at the gym. Treat yourself with tenderness and compassion. A breakup is a

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_00]: very real loss and should not be minimized. If you make the effort to learn everything you can,

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_00]: breakups can serve you by providing insight that will help you create a better relationship next

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_00]: time. Most of us are encouraged to move on immediately after a breakup, but if you try

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_00]: to do that without laying a good foundation, you're more likely to get into another relationship

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: that ends up not working. After taking the time to mourn your loss and learn all you can from

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_00]: it, moving on is the best thing to do. When the time comes, it helps to get closure, purge any

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_00]: remaining relics of the relationship and set a course for your future. First, write a goodbye letter

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_00]: to your ex. No need to mail it, this can just be for you. Or sit in a chair with another chair

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_00]: facing you where you can imagine him or her sitting and have a conversation for closure.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Get everything out and don't hold back. This is for you. You don't want to carry these thoughts

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and feelings with you into the future, so deal with them now. Next, go through your home and

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: pack up all of your ex's belongings and gifts he or she gave you any reminders of the relationship.

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Set a date on which you resolve to begin dating again. Take photos for an online profile.

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Buy new clothes, new bedding or get a new hairstyle or makeover. Do something new.

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Take up a hobby, make new friends. And finally, sit down and write a paragraph about what you want

[00:05:45] [SPEAKER_00]: your next relationship to be like. How would you like to feel in this relationship?

[00:05:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Write about what kind of person you want to be with. Don't hold back, write down everything

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_00]: you'd like to experience. Going through a breakup is one of the hardest things we humans face.

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Making an effort to understand what happened and your part in it will go a long way toward helping

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_00]: you have a better relationship next time around. You'll be much better off taking the time to

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_00]: reflect than running out and looking for someone else immediately. As for me, I forced

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: myself to follow this very process after my last breakup and I was able to have a much better

[00:06:23] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship when I got back to dating. I'm convinced I would have never been ready for it

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_00]: if I just kept up my gig as a professional dator. You just listened to part two of the post titled

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_00]: What To Do After A Breakup To End Painful Relationship Patterns by Renee Suzanne with

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_00]: tinyboota.com and stick around, I'll be back with my comments in just a minute.

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Alright and a great finish from Renee thanks to her for that.

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I really love the note she made about being more vocal on her dates going forward,

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_00]: asking more questions, being more vulnerable and what I feel is ultimately stepping more into

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_00]: the mindset of I hope I like them more so than I hope they like me. And I think that one great

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_00]: way of doing that is to be forthcoming about some of her findings from past relationships.

[00:07:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Not not not to say that this has to come out on the first date necessarily,

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER_00]: but it could be a great way of owning that vulnerability she talked about.

[00:07:23] [SPEAKER_00]: To be upfront about what we've learned about our own shortcomings and the fact that we're

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: committed to improving upon them. Should these admissions land on the right ears,

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_00]: you could find yourself with a person who immediately recognizes and seizes an opportunity

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_00]: to support you. So with that we have reached the end for today everybody.

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_00]: As always I thank you for being here and in this case tuning in for both parts of this

[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_00]: post. I hope you enjoyed it and took something from it. Have a great rest of your day and

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_00]: be sure to join us again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.