2265: Why Women And Men Who Are Being Abused Don’t Leave. An Exercise for Understanding by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 2265. Why Women And Men Who Are Being Abused Dont Leave. An Exercise for Understanding by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of Dr.MargaretRutherford.com Hello everybody and thank you so much for stopping in once again.

[00:00:18] This is ORD and I am your host and narrator Greg Audino here with you every day to share different articles that can teach us about the many parts of relationships, including subject

[00:00:28] matter that is harder to swallow, such as today's. We will be speaking about abuse today and there are discussions of domestic violence in the article so be aware of that should you choose to proceed.

[00:00:39] But now let's hear what Dr. Margaret has to say as we optimize your life. Why Women And Men Who Are Being Abused Dont Leave. An Exercise for Understanding by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of Dr.MargaretRutherford.com How Did A Jingle Singer Become A Therapist?

[00:01:01] It took me years. I began by volunteering at the Battered Women's Shelter in Dallas. I was singing jazz at the Fairmont Hotel Bar, my night would end at one in the morning, and the shelter needed someone for the 2-6am crisis intervention line on the Sunday morning shift.

[00:01:17] I was awake, I had experienced abuse myself, I wanted to help others. So it seemed like a great fit. It was then that I began a journey that would change my life forever. I ended not only manning the crisis line, but training other volunteers.

[00:01:34] Perhaps more importantly, I got to know the women who were staying at the shelter, and I discovered the depth of meaning in trying to help others. What I Learned From Stories Of Abuse

[00:01:45] I learned that abuse is a complicated dynamic, and one that is far from easy to confront. A victim has had years of being told you're a screw-up. You've withstood both verbal and physical attacks,

[00:01:57] and been confused by the seeming sincerity of I'm sorry, and this time it'll be different, that so often would follow. You felt guilty for not leaving the first time the abuse happened when you decided to believe those words. You may even hate yourself for continuing

[00:02:13] to believe them the second than the third time, for not recognizing that a pattern developed. And thus you felt just as responsible as your attacker, and that very shame is paralyzing. But it was each woman's story that made those reasons real. I watched somewhat helplessly,

[00:02:32] as one smart, insightful young girl went back to her husband, children in tow. This man had thrown her out of a pickup truck, going full speed down the highway, breaking her leg in several places. I listened while men screamed over the phone,

[00:02:47] quit protecting my wife and tell me where the shelter is, I'm coming to get her. That wife would stay a few days, get a sweet call from the same man, and return home. I heard the shelter director talk to countless women who were going back,

[00:03:01] about how to protect themselves from the worst of what could happen to them. Others swore that this was it, that they would never go back. Since then, I've worked with other women who have been screamed at and belittled,

[00:03:14] knocked around, pushed, shoved, slapped, punched, had bones and hearts broken. They quietly go about getting things in order, they develop an exit plan, and they leave. I've also worked with men whose partners have spit out terribly cruel words, violently raged against them physically, destroyed meaningful things,

[00:03:36] lied to police about being the victims themselves, even falsely hurled accusations of child molestation. They may end in a similar emotional place, that after years of this abuse, they've had it, and they leave.

[00:03:50] It seems like common sense, you're getting hurt, you must leave. But it's not that simple. An exercise to help your own understanding. Eventually I began training volunteers, and I want to share the exercise that I and other trainers led them through,

[00:04:07] so that they could get a small taste of the fear, poignancy and complexity of the choice to leave. It might be interesting for you to actually try the exercise while listening, no matter what your current or past relationships have looked like.

[00:04:21] First, write down the three most valuable things in your life. Put them on three separate pieces of paper. It could be your faith, it could be a child or a pet, it could be your integrity or your honesty,

[00:04:35] it could be a partner or a spouse, but it has to be your top three. And we would wait a few minutes. Now imagine that you are on a boat, with all the other people sitting in this room. You've been told it's a safe boat,

[00:04:48] and you're traveling a long way. So you have three pieces of luggage with you, symbolized by those three pieces of paper in your hands. But the boat is in trouble. It's too heavy, not everyone will survive, unless you throw one piece of luggage overboard. Some people would gasp,

[00:05:06] some might smile a little nervously. So please fold up one piece of paper and throw it away. Different things might happen. Sometimes all would be able to throw at least one piece away, sometimes someone would refuse. Remember, you'll be responsible for all these people

[00:05:22] losing their life if you don't throw a piece of luggage overboard. When we repeated the same instructions, but for the second piece of luggage, there was usually out and out mutiny. By the third, tears, shock, demoralization,

[00:05:38] rage, refusal, submission. And this was a conceptual guided visualization, not real life. The complex questions involved in leaving. So if you're the victim, you can fear that you'll lose things that are very dear to you. And for what? Will your life really be better

[00:05:58] or worse? Emotions can run extremely deep as you consider how or when. If you leave, you'll feel responsible for everyone's life changing, even the life of your perpetrator, whom you often still love. You know that the abuser may escalate if you leave

[00:06:14] and become more violent toward you or toward themselves. You may have acted as a protector or a buffer for the children. What's going to happen if a divorce occurs and you aren't

[00:06:23] there to protect the kids when they are spending time with the abuser? Some of you may be in emotionally or physically abusive relationships. If you are, please consider that there is another way to live.

[00:06:36] It is far, far from easy, but it is possible. And when you get there, you'll see just how big your world can really be. You just listen to the post titled, Why Women and Men Who Are Being Abused Don't Leave, An Exercise for Understanding by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:06:59] of DrMargaretRutherford.com. And I'll be back right after this with my commentary. And thank you so much to Dr. Margaret for once again being willing to touch upon the darker parts of relationships, which is something we should never shy away from. I hope a post like

[00:07:15] this has helped to break through the stigma and misunderstanding so many people have when it comes to people who stay in abusive relationships. Far too often, even imagining about these types of people brings upon a friction or disdain as opposed to empathy. But relationships of all kinds

[00:07:32] are complicated, especially in these cases. It's so critical that we don't victim blame those who stay with their abusers and instead be supportive and conscious and ultimately part of the solution. Also note that at the end of this post, Dr. Margaret has provided some resources and

[00:07:51] further information on how to get help should you or someone you know be going through something similar. So if that is something you're in need of, be sure to follow the link in this episode

[00:08:00] description and find those resources. But that is going to bring us to the end for today, everyone. Thank you so much for being here and staying present throughout this very difficult, but again very necessary read and be sure to join us again tomorrow for more ORD.

[00:08:15] That's where your optimal life awaits.