2270: Parental Alienation and the Fight for Children's Hearts and Minds by Dr Jennifer Harman on Parenting Tips

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Parental Alienation and the Fight for Childrens Hearts and Minds by Dr Jennifer Harman with Loves.com. Hello everybody and welcome, welcome to Optimal Relationships Daily. My name is Greg Audino. I'm your host and narrator and this time I have

[00:00:18] another parenting post on this lab for you. This one addresses some of the toxic behavior parents can engage in when trying to build closeness with their children and it's really worth listening to

[00:00:29] as our intentions fueling this type of behavior are rarely bad. So, let's get into the article now and optimize your life. Parental Alienation and the Fight for Childrens Hearts and Minds by Dr Jennifer Harman with Loves.com. Parental alienation involves one parent spoiling the

[00:00:53] relationship between a child and the other parent in the absence of actual abuse or neglect. In both my personal and professional lives, I have seen many parents actively turn their child against the other parent in an effort to keep them, the child, close and to undermine

[00:01:10] their child's loving bond with the other parent. Although research has demonstrated that parental alienation has very negative effects on children, like depression, substance abuse, and conduct disorders, few researchers have examined empirically how exactly parents engage in this

[00:01:27] alienation behavior. The majority of research on this topic has surveyed young adults or children who report having been alienated from one parent by another. Alienating strategies include bad-mouthing or denigrating the other parent in front of the child or within earshot, limiting the child's

[00:01:46] contact with the other parent, trying to erase the other parent from the child's mind for example withholding pictures of the child with the other parent, creating and perpetuating a belief that the other parent is dangerous when there is no evidence of actual danger,

[00:02:03] forcing the child to reject the other parent, and making the child feel guilty if he or she talks about enjoying time with the other parent. The impact of these behaviors on children is devastating, but it also often has the opposite intended effect. Parents who denigrate the other

[00:02:20] parent are actually less close with their children than those who do not. Children who are caught in the middle of alienating behavior have a different perspective than the parents, so work that focuses on the alienated parents provides a more thorough view of this unfortunate family dynamic. For

[00:02:37] example, in a survey of parents who are targets of alienation, Baker and Darnell found that targeted parents reported that alienators interfered with parenting time, like scheduled appointments or frequently called during the other parent's parenting time, interfered with contact with

[00:02:54] the children, like intercepting phone messages or email, interfered with symbolic contact, like gift giving, so throwing away gifts or sending them back, did not inform them about important information, like school activities and doctor's appointments, threatened to take children

[00:03:12] away from them, and formed unhealthy alliances with the children, such as having had their children spy and report back information to the alienating parent or sending cell phones with children to call the alienating parent from the target parent's home. Some children were not even allowed to bring

[00:03:29] personal items, like sports equipment and toys, back home from the alienating parent's home. In sum, this survey of parents identified a large number of abusive tactics that were not always readily visible to children, yet inflicted damage to the parental relationship nonetheless.

[00:03:47] Ultimately, the researchers drew a grim conclusion from the study. Many of the strategies described involved active participation of the children, which resulted in the child colluding in the betrayal and rejection of the alienated parent. The result?

[00:04:02] The child feels guilt and shame about having done these activities. In order to cope with this betrayal, kids justify their actions by actually believing the targeted parent is evil, unreliable, does not care about them, is dangerous, etc. With endless ways to combine alienation strategies,

[00:04:22] alienated parents have little recourse to defend themselves and repair their relationship with their children. For example, if the parent tells a child that a lie said about them by the alienating parent is untrue, then it appears to the child that the parent is calling the alienator a lie.

[00:04:38] It is a lose-lose situation for the targeted parent. There have been calls for intervention and counseling programs to help families that have been affected by parental alienation, and there remains a great need to further understand how alienation affects the psychological

[00:04:54] health of the parents themselves. In addition, court and family systems need better methods of identifying and intervening when alienation is occurring. Many times, courts need to determine whether an accusation of any kind of abuse by one parent is true or false. If false, then the

[00:05:11] accusation is a sign that there is active parental alienation, which is recognized by the American Psychiatric Association as another form of child abuse. Finally, little is known about how alienated parents cope with the damage inflicted on their relationships with their children.

[00:05:28] Some may retaliate, while others may pull away and become less involved with their children because the situation is too painful. How alienated parents cope can then be used against them by the other parents, such as saying, your mom or dad doesn't care about you because they did not

[00:05:43] come to your school concert. My colleague, Dr. Zeynep Berngen, and I have launched a new study about this topic, and we are currently recruiting parents who have been the target of parental alienation. While we hope to further document specific alienating behaviors, we also hope to

[00:06:00] better understand how parents cope with the alienation, how it has impacted the parenting relationship from their perspective, and how others have responded to the problem. You just listened to the post titled, Parental Alienation and the Fight for Children's Hearts and Minds,

[00:06:20] by Dr. Jennifer Harmon with loves.com, and I'll be back shortly with my comments. Okay, and thanks to Dr. Jennifer for this post, a very important one today, one that I can really relate to, as this kind of alienation was unfortunately a big part of my own upbringing.

[00:06:37] And I think it's important for any parent who might be engaging in this type of behavior, even mildly and when abuse is not present, to seriously consider the contents of this article and the damage that they are unknowingly doing to their children. Many parents like this

[00:06:55] however can easily justify the behavior, feeling as though it's an act of love, trying to keep their child away from someone who they feel is an oppressor. Indeed, love is the driving force behind many destructive forms of behavior, but it can be

[00:07:09] difficult to see that destructiveness and therefore very difficult to hold oneself accountable to it. But trust that taking away your child's autonomy and freedom of choice is something that could be much more harmful to their relationship with you and with themselves.

[00:07:26] So instead of either continuing this behavior or shaming yourself for taking part in it, take the time now to look for healthier ways to channel that love that I know you have and that protectiveness I know you feel. Focus on fostering your own connection with them,

[00:07:43] rather than trying to remove any connection they might feel with the other parent or anyone else who you feel threatens your relationship with them. Acknowledge relationship dynamics objectively and positively, such as the strength that both you and your co-parent share. Reassure your child

[00:08:00] that even in times of conflict, each parent is doing their best. This is the kind of rhetoric that we owe our children, but in order to deliver it successfully, a lot of self-work can be required, and that self-work is arguably the biggest cornerstone of healthy parenting.

[00:08:17] Okay, that's going to bring us to the end for today everybody. Thanks a lot for being here and making another episode possible. Have a terrific day and be sure to join us again over the weekend for more content. That's where your optimal life awaits.