2271: How Do I Get A Guy to Make A Move After I Rejected Him Once? By Evan Marc Katz on Dating Advice

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily. How do I get a guy to make a move after I rejected him once by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com. Hello everybody, and thanks as always for tuning into Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:15] I'm Greg Audino here once again to read to you from some great blogs covering different parts of relationship building. And today we will once again turn our attention to longtime contributor and dating coach, Evan Marc Katz.

[00:00:28] So let's hear this Q&A from his site as we optimize your life. How do I get a guy to make a move after I rejected him once by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com.

[00:00:44] Dating is tricky, especially when it comes to knowing how to make a move on someone you're interested in. Sometimes you approach someone you think is interested in you only to be rejected. Other times you may be the one doing the rejecting.

[00:00:59] What's really confusing is when you're the one who changes your mind. What happens when you rejected a guy and now you want him back? Does he still like you after you rejected him? It can be tricky to gauge someone's interest after rejecting them.

[00:01:12] Most men are not gluttons for punishment and will usually take the hint that no means no, but there are some telltale signs that he might still want you. For example, he might continue to text and call you even though you've made it clear you're not interested.

[00:01:27] He might also try to spend time with you in person or may even make a move himself after some time has passed. Consider this reader's question. Hey Evan, your advice is great and seems to pertain to guys you're already dating. I'm in a different situation.

[00:01:43] I'm interested in dating a male friend. We met in college, but we're never really close and reconnected a year ago purely as friends. We started hanging out a lot this past year. He used to live two hours away, so he would drive from far away to see me.

[00:01:59] I thought nothing of it. Then he moved to my city and we were close to each other. One night we went out and he made a move. I froze. This was three months ago. We kept hanging out then, pretending nothing had happened.

[00:02:13] Me sending mixed signals, both of us casually dating other people. But I recently broke off casual dating because I realized I had strong feelings for him. But now I wonder if it's too late.

[00:02:26] I still spend a lot of time with him and I don't want to emasculate him by not letting him make the first move. We recently got back to a great momentum where it isn't weird after all the mixed

[00:02:35] signals, and I feel like I'm ready to tell him that I wasn't rejecting him when he initially made a move on me, but I was just scared and surprised. Should I make a move or will that emasculate him? And if we do date, do the same rules apply?

[00:02:50] Should I wait to sleep with him? Because I feel like we already have been on a hundred dates platonically. I don't feel weird about sleeping with him sooner than I would wait for a guy I really like. Help please. Jeannie.

[00:03:03] Dear Jeannie, I was hoping someone would ask this question because it gives me a chance to bring something up that I see all the time as a dating coach, especially in my private member forum. In that group, hundreds of women share their dating stories and support each

[00:03:18] other, and most of their questions sound just like what you wrote to me. I don't know what this guy is thinking. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. What do you guys think I should say?

[00:03:30] This happens so often that I created an acronym to substitute for my full answer so that I don't have to write the same thing repeatedly. OT. It stands for overthinking. Almost any time I get a, what is he thinking query, I'll bust out my OT as a

[00:03:46] reminder of these two core dating principles. One, men do what they want. So if a guy is your boyfriend, he says he loves you, he calls you nearly every day. And then one time he texts you, not now, I don't feel like talking.

[00:04:02] It doesn't mean that he suddenly fell out of love with you, met someone else and is planning on dumping you the next time you speak. It just means not now. I don't feel like talking. And number two, if you want to know what a man's thinking, ask him.

[00:04:18] Don't ask your friends. Don't ask your dating coach. Ask your boyfriend. The reason that women choose not to ask their boyfriends what they're thinking, even though their boyfriends are actually the only people who know what they're thinking. Well, there are two answers to that as well.

[00:04:33] The one you'll tell yourself and the one that's really true. The one you tell yourself is this. I don't want to upset him or emasculate him or bother him. There's some basis in truth for this, especially if you are perpetually acting

[00:04:46] weak, needy and fearful with a man who is doing his best to please you. The more you criticize and second guess the intentions of a good boyfriend, the more likely he is to get frustrated that you're so insecure.

[00:04:58] But the real reason you don't ask him what he thinks is this. You don't want to hear the real answer. You are afraid of the truth, that he might be sick of your fears and insecurities,

[00:05:10] that he might need space, that he might be tired of the incessant conversations about where this is going because he doesn't know where this is going. As always, I have hijacked the original question to make a point and I apologize,

[00:05:23] but it's important to know that your question is not going to change his mind on anything. His mind is already made up. If he's happy with you, he's happy with you. If he's annoyed with you, he's annoyed with you.

[00:05:37] And if he's attracted to you, Jeannie, he's attracted to you. The act of asking the question is not going to change the outcome. All it's going to do is reveal what he's thinking. The only thing up in the air is whether you really want to know.

[00:05:51] So instead of asking a dating coach on a blog who doesn't know you or your friend or what he's thinking, how about you tell him exactly what you told me? You were afraid when he made his move.

[00:06:03] Now you're falling for him and you'd like to give things a shot. If he's not interested, he'll let you know. If he is interested, he'll let you know. And either way, you'll be able to move forward appropriately without all of this worrying and overthinking.

[00:06:17] And by the way, he is interested. I'm very happy for you. You just listened to the post titled, How do I get a guy to make a move after I rejected him once? By Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com. And I'll be right back with my comments. Okay.

[00:06:38] And thanks a lot to Evan for this post today. A post like this is especially valuable, not just in dating, but in any area of life in which we might be afraid to speak up or take a risk.

[00:06:49] And it's valuable because it reminds us of the often excessive amount of power that we let our stories have over us. It can be very easy to get locked into assumptions such as, if I make the first move, he'll be emasculated.

[00:07:04] These assumptions, they cause us to ruminate and speculate, stay stuck, and really not remain very open-minded about how others are thinking or what will transpire or how well we can adapt. Obviously a certain amount of caution and guessing is natural and can be extremely helpful.

[00:07:23] But I think in the midst of that, it's always helpful to step back and ask ourselves, what's really at stake here? Or is this really as complicated as I'm making it out to be? Self-questioning like that can unlock us from our stories and spark a lot of growth.

[00:07:41] And sometimes our stories can still change and our minds can still open from asking other people and holding back a little while, like Jeannie was. But inevitably the same process just happens at a slower speed.

[00:07:54] We often save ourselves a lot of time by going directly to the source and not living in so much assumption. So consider how this may be helpful in your life today, whether in relationships or otherwise.

[00:08:07] It's time to get going for now, but I thank you as always for being here, for listening intently and staying until the end. Enjoy the rest of your day and I'll talk to you again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.