2273: Why "For Better or Worse" is a Fatal Vow by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on Marriage Advice

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_01]: Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal

[00:00:04] [SPEAKER_01]: development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your

[00:00:10] [SPEAKER_01]: life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app.

[00:00:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Why For Better or Worse is a Fatal Vow

[00:00:24] [SPEAKER_00]: by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr.KellyFlanagan.com.

[00:00:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody, I'm Greg Audino and this is ORD, the podcast where I read to you every day from

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_00]: different blogs about relationship building and then offer my commentary at the end.

[00:00:39] [SPEAKER_00]: And today we will hear Dr. Kelly Flanagan's work, taking another look at our marital vows,

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_00]: how we approach them, and how to ensure we're doing everything we can to build good healthy

[00:00:49] [SPEAKER_00]: marriages. So let's get into it now and start optimizing your life. Why For Better or Worse

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_00]: is a Fatal Vow by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr.KellyFlanagan.com.

[00:01:05] [SPEAKER_00]: We walk down the marriage aisle, convinced our marriages will thrive,

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and with utter sincerity we make a vow that is the pinnacle of commitment,

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_00]: for better or worse. But what if that vow is the beginning of the end for our marriages,

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: the happiest day of our lives? Watch them. He stands waiting, brow glistening,

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_00]: his friends lined up behind him like faithful penguins, and the door is open and she appears

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: radiant and bathed in white, and she begins to glide toward him, and her face is like the sun,

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and his smile widens and now his eyes are glistening. With a blessing from her father,

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_00]: their hands are joined and they turn to face the person who will walk them through the ritual,

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_00]: joining them forever. The questions are asked, do you take this man to be your husband?

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you take this woman to be your wife? For better or worse. And from both, I do.

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Watch them. Watch closely. Something's off. They make this for better or worse promise,

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_00]: this eternal commitment of their hearts, this gutsy, courageous vow to remain through anything,

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_00]: heartache and a lost baby, and the house fire, and joblessness and sickness and pestilence and

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_00]: even death. And how do they make this promise? With a smile. In fact they look downright relieved.

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Watch them closely because this could kill their marriage.

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_00]: The Commitment Deception

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Half a first time marriage is end in divorce. The odds of survival are the flip of a coin.

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_00]: How do we go from the tranquil confidence of the wedding day vow,

[00:02:54] [SPEAKER_00]: to the vicious certainty of the courtroom battle? I look around and I wonder if our

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_00]: commitments are a facade. I love purchasing from Amazon. Why? Because if I don't like

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER_00]: what I get, they make it so easy to return. We can walk away from mortgages as if our houses

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: are old tents at a campground. Employers treat new hires like they're trying out for the high school

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_00]: baseball team. Miss the numbers for one quarter and you're instantly replaced.

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: People move in and out of commuter neighborhoods like their red roof ends.

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: We shop churches like malls moving from one to another when newer and shinier products are

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_00]: offered. In a world of exchangeability and transience our commitment muscles have atrophied.

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_00]: In a world of customization and customer satisfaction, the hard endless work of committing to one thing

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_00]: may have become too excruciating to endure. But if our wedding day vow isn't really a commitment,

[00:03:51] [SPEAKER_00]: what is it? Maybe when we make our for better or worse vow, we aren't even speaking to

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_00]: our partner. Maybe we're actually speaking to our own hearts. Whispering to ourselves a subtle

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_00]: reassurance, they're mine now. They can't leave me. No matter what I do or don't do,

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I can't mess this up now. I won't be abandoned. I think this could be the unspoken underbelly

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_00]: of the marital vow. It's why we smile with relief when we make the forever promise.

[00:04:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Our hearts aren't actually entering into the demanding task of lifelong commitment.

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Our hearts are anticipating assurance and certainty in the stability for which we so deeply long.

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_00]: And when commitment is experienced as an event that has already happened,

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_00]: an event that brings us reassurance and guarantees rather than the work of our lives,

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_00]: it is fatal to marriage. Why you should treat your marriage like a business.

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Commitment is not a sentiment we vow. It's a discipline we live. We don't promise commitment,

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_00]: we practice it. I can't believe I'm saying this. But maybe we should treat our marriages like a business

[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_00]: or approach them the way we would the PTA or the kids guitar lessons or our blogs and other

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_00]: social commitments with focus and intentionality and regularity. Can you imagine investing your

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: entire life savings into a business, opening the doors and then sitting back and heaving a sigh of

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_00]: relief as if the hard work is already done? It would spell doom for the business. And yet in

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00]: the most valuable endeavor of our lives, as the moment of the wedding day vow fades into memory,

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_00]: we abandon intentionality in our marriages. The birthday flowers no longer get purchased,

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_00]: the kids get a hug on the way out the door but your spouse doesn't,

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_00]: your time together is focused on others rather than each other and your energy is given away to every

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_00]: other priority. I think this is actually a key secret to the success of marital therapy.

[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_00]: As a marital therapist, I'm not doing anything miraculous. I don't often have a bunch of cards

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_00]: up my sleeve, no magic, but I do provide a dedicated space, an hour of intentionality

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_00]: every week, an hour to face each other and say in words and action, you matter, we matter,

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_00]: this is my first priority right now. An hour a week to slow down, to communicate meticulously,

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_00]: to go deeper into the most important parts of our hearts and to rediscover the promise

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_00]: of the wedding altar. This kind of intentionality is hard work, but the muscles of our love

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_00]: are starving for the exercise. They need to be stretched and torn to become stronger in the healing.

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Living the vow and reclaiming commitment, we need to withdraw some of the intentionality

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_00]: we are putting into everything else and we need to reinvest it in our most valuable asset,

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_00]: our marriages. We need to take at least two weekends a year to ourselves, away from the

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_00]: kids and phones and dinner dishes, and one date night a month, and one morning per week,

[00:07:09] [SPEAKER_00]: waking before the birds and the kids to sip coffee in the dark and light the flame of commitment.

[00:07:15] [SPEAKER_00]: If we invested in our marriages with this kind of intentionality, our marriage vows would

[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_00]: become powerful again, because they would be lived again and again, day after day and year

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_00]: after year, and they would be accompanied by an entirely different kind of smile,

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_00]: not one of relief, but a smile of joy. A smile that acknowledges the most grueling work of life has

[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_00]: begun, that the commitment will be hard, but it will be good, and it will strengthen our souls,

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_00]: making us people who can live and love and persevere, for better or worse.

[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled, Why For Better Or Worse Is A Fatal Vow

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_00]: by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr.KellyFlanagan.com, and I'll be back in just a moment with my commentary.

[00:08:06] [SPEAKER_00]: And a big thank you to Dr. Kelly for this article today. There's just an incredible amount of truth

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: to it, and to me it does an awesome job of highlighting the seriousness of marriage and

[00:08:16] [SPEAKER_00]: such commitments. Perhaps it's a seriousness that feels too intense for us, causing us to shy

[00:08:22] [SPEAKER_00]: away and fall into this mindset of, you know, all the work is mostly done now, as Dr. Kelly

[00:08:27] [SPEAKER_00]: described. But upon committing to anything, even marriage, maybe it's important for us to be okay

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: with potential failure. Maybe we can say to ourselves that, although the real work of marriage can be

[00:08:40] [SPEAKER_00]: long and difficult, we can still do our best and take pride in that, whether or not the

[00:08:46] [SPEAKER_00]: marriage lasts. It seems to me that we either have that option or the option that Dr. Kelly

[00:08:52] [SPEAKER_00]: described in which we dive in anyway and retreat from the work, choosing to ignore the possibility

[00:08:58] [SPEAKER_00]: of the marriage failing. To me, one is more realistic and empowering than the other. So I

[00:09:04] [SPEAKER_00]: say we take our crystal balls away. We don't know the future of our marriages. But in spite of

[00:09:11] [SPEAKER_00]: that, we can still commit to the work with all the strength we can muster. Making that promise

[00:09:16] [SPEAKER_00]: to ourselves and our partners is enough. So think about that, everyone. It's time to wrap

[00:09:22] [SPEAKER_00]: things up for today. But I thank you for being here and listening intently. This was definitely an

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_00]: important article that has implications on the many commitments of life. And I hope it has

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_00]: inspired you. So have a great rest of your day. And I'll see you again tomorrow, where your optimal

[00:09:36] [SPEAKER_00]: life awaits.