2274: Get Better at Dealing with Anger by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits on Compassion and Mindfulness

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Get Better at Dealing with Anger by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits.net

[00:00:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody and thank you for stopping in once again to the podcast that's all about

[00:00:12] [SPEAKER_00]: improving your relationships each day in about 10 minutes or so, Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host and narrator, my name is Greg Audino and now let's jump into this article

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_00]: that addresses a few ways of overcoming our anger as we optimize your life.

[00:00:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Get Better at Dealing with Anger by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits.net

[00:00:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Yesterday a loved one asked me about dealing with anger. He lashed out at someone he loves in a way

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_00]: that hurt her and filled him with shame and regret. I think we can all relate to this,

[00:00:49] [SPEAKER_00]: most of us have lashed out in anger and regretted it later. We all get angry but we often deal

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_00]: with it in different ways. Some people constantly lash out in frustration at others or stew about

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_00]: it and complain about it to people they talk to. Some people repress their anger with the idea

[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_00]: that they should never feel anger, that anger is not safe for others or themselves. Others see

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_00]: then see quietly until finally they explode. Some of us do all three. We all get angry.

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_00]: The question is how do we get better at dealing with that anger?

[00:01:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to share some strategies that have worked for me. I've purposely tried to get better

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_00]: at dealing with anger and while I'm not perfect, I have come a long way. I don't often yell

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: at my kids anymore for example even though I used to yell at them in anger and even spank

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: them. Now I can catch the frustration much sooner and have found strategies that help me calm

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: down, find compassion and even talk to them with understanding and love. Before we get into the

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: strategies let's understand what's happening when we get angry. What's going on when we're angry?

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_00]: When we get angry it's usually because someone else behaved in a way we don't like. It could

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: also be our own actions or just the situation in general that we don't like. This is what

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_00]: happens. We don't like the way the person behaved. We feel a moment of aversion to their

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_00]: behavior and this causes a moment of pain. We're hurt that they acted that way. This might only

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: last half an instant. We then react to that hurt with a feeling of anger or frustration, irritation.

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Then we start telling ourselves a story about the other person or ourselves or the situation.

[00:02:33] [SPEAKER_00]: It's our narrative of what's happening. The story keeps us angry even if the initial

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: pain goes away because it keeps making the wound fresh and then we keep spinning the story around

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_00]: in our heads. So the initial aversion and pain are unavoidable and even the anger,

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: frustration and irritation are pretty unavoidable though you can learn to catch them earlier.

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_00]: It's human. The part we can work on is noticing the story and not spinning it around

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_00]: in our heads to prolong and even increase the anger. Understanding the story.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: The story that we spin around in our heads is a natural thing for humans.

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_00]: We create stories to understand the world around us or to put things in some kind of order we can

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: work with. In these types of situations, the story might be she's always doing something.

[00:03:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know why she has to keep doing that etc. Or I don't know why he has to criticize me.

[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I was just trying to insert some kind of justified action. We've all done this,

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_00]: even if we're not always aware we're doing it. The story is not that useful most of the time.

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_00]: It actually makes us angrier and separates us from people we care about.

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_00]: It makes us unhappy, traps us in an emotion that is not helpful and worsens our relationships.

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Once we're hooked by the story, it can spin around in our heads for a long time.

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Hours, sometimes even days. It just keeps freshening our wound.

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_00]: You can start to notice the story the next time you're frustrated, hurt, angry, irritated,

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: resentful, stressed. Just listen to what you're saying about the other person or the situation

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_00]: you're in. Just start to become aware of this story that you keep replaying.

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_00]: A fresh way to deal with anger. Whenever we're angry or frustrated, resentful etc.

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_00]: We can go into our old patterns of anger and telling the story,

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_00]: or we can start to try something new. Here's what I recommend practicing.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Notice when you're feeling this emotion, you might be telling yourself a story as well.

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Meditate for a second by turning your attention to the physical feeling in your body of anger

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and hurt. Be curious about it. What does it feel like physically? Where is it located?

[00:04:54] [SPEAKER_00]: What texture does it have? What energy does it have? Does it change?

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Stay with it. Instead of instantly going back to your story or a new story about this meditation,

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_00]: see if you can stay with the feeling longer. We're training ourselves to stay longer.

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_00]: See if you can welcome this feeling. It's not something that's necessarily bad,

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_00]: nor is it something you need to reject. Just be okay with it in your body,

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_00]: even friendly towards it. Smile at it. See the pain you're feeling as a sign of your good heart

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: that's been hurt, that's vulnerable and loves. See it as a sign of your basic goodness.

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_00]: You don't need to do anything right now, just stay in touch with this tender heart.

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_00]: With this fresh response, we're opening up to the wide open nature of this moment,

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_00]: not needing to harden into our old stories. We interrupt our conditioned habitual response

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and choose a new path, one that's less harmful. And in this moment of openness, we can now try this.

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Give ourselves some kindness and compassion with the wish,

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_00]: may I find an end to my pain? May I find peace? May I find happiness and joy?

[00:06:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Turn to the other person and see that they are struggling. They're in pain too.

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_00]: With this realization that they're in pain, reacting out of their habitual responses,

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: spinning around their own stories, let this realization make us feel connected to them.

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00]: As we know what that's like, it's not fun. Send them some loving kindness as well with the same wish.

[00:06:31] [SPEAKER_00]: May they find an end to their pain? May they find peace? May they find happiness and joy?

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Repeat it several times. From this place of compassion, you can now take a more appropriate

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_00]: action. Give them a hug, talk to them with understanding and kindness, listen to their

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: difficulty with compassion, and see that it's about their pain, not about you,

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_00]: or at least refrain from lashing out. We normally respond with anger out of proportion

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_00]: to the actual situation, but now we might be able to take a more appropriate, compassionate

[00:07:04] [SPEAKER_00]: action, or non-action as the case might require. We will mess up on this practice,

[00:07:09] [SPEAKER_00]: by the way. As with anything, we get better with continued practice. When we find that we can't

[00:07:15] [SPEAKER_00]: open up to the feeling that we can't stop from spinning around our stories, we can practice

[00:07:21] [SPEAKER_00]: with that. We can see the feeling of helplessness, of despair, of frustration with ourselves,

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: of giving up, and practice the method we've discussed on that feeling itself. With each screw

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_00]: up, with each time we're not able to open up, we have a new opportunity to practice.

[00:07:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Another chance opens up again and again to heal ourselves and to get better at dealing

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_00]: with this hardened emotion. You just listened to the post titled

[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Get Better At Dealing With Anger by Leo Babatta of Zenhabits.net, and stick around for my

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_00]: comments in just a minute. Okay, and a really helpful post from Leo, which we thank him for.

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm glad he shared tips on how to deal with anger that are relatively in the moment.

[00:08:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Usually, anger is much harder to deal with as it's actually unfolding.

[00:08:15] [SPEAKER_00]: So I'll complement his strategy by offering something that helps me combat anger

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_00]: when I'm just reflecting and am not in the heat of a moment.

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_00]: And it's what I like to call the deathbed mentality. Let's say what you will about the

[00:08:28] [SPEAKER_00]: name. I simply think about how I might feel about any given scenario when I'm on my deathbed.

[00:08:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Looking back at my life, no more battles left, waiting on time to end.

[00:08:41] [SPEAKER_00]: And when I bring this perspective really to anything that regularly gets me angry or anxious

[00:08:48] [SPEAKER_00]: or even sad, I tend to feel much, much better. I'm reminded that these disruptions are often

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_00]: short-lived and rarely worth much of my energy. 99% of the things that get under my skin in any way

[00:09:02] [SPEAKER_00]: are things I'm pretty confident that I'll be laughing at myself for stressing over one day.

[00:09:08] [SPEAKER_00]: It's sort of the consultation of one's highest self, and to me, it really helps me keep

[00:09:14] [SPEAKER_00]: difficult feelings at bay. And for things that I do feel are really life-altering and deserve

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_00]: a lot of my energy, I change my reaction from intense emotion to constructive action,

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_00]: not dwelling or feeling like a victim. I hope that approach works for you. Try it out,

[00:09:32] [SPEAKER_00]: let me know how it goes. It is time to wrap things up for now though everyone.

[00:09:36] [SPEAKER_00]: So enjoy the rest of your day, good luck out there, and be sure to stop in again tomorrow,

[00:09:40] [SPEAKER_00]: where your optimal life awaits.