2277: [Part 1] If the World is Scary, How Can Our Children Not Be Scared? By Allison Carmen on Childhood Experiences

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily. If the world is scary, how can our children not be scared?

[00:00:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Part 1 By Allison Carmen of allicincarmon.com

[00:00:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD, this time for a parenting edition.

[00:00:16] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm your host Greg Audino. Now today we'll mark the beginning of one of our longer posts,

[00:00:21] [SPEAKER_00]: so if you're new here what I do is split these articles up reading the first half on one day

[00:00:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and the second half on the following day. So with that open your ears and saddle up for

[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Part 1 of this great long read brought to us by Allison Carmen as we optimize your life.

[00:00:39] [SPEAKER_00]: If the world is scary, how can our children not be scared?

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Part 1 By Allison Carmen of allicincarmon.com

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I grew up in the 70s in the suburbs of Long Island where every day was filled with beautiful

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_00]: green lawns, lovely homes, safe schools. I never read the newspaper and I never watched the news on

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_00]: television. It could be said that I grew up in a very insulated community. What did I have to

[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_00]: worry about other than doing well in school, dealing with boy crushes and finding ways to get

[00:01:11] [SPEAKER_00]: to the mall? But this is not at all how I felt. For at least 60 minutes every night

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_00]: during my childhood, my heart would race and I'd inevitably feel like the world was coming

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00]: to an end. This 60 minutes was dinner time. Why? Throughout dinner, my parents would openly discuss

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_00]: current events such as the assassination attempt on President Reagan, Black Monday in the stock market,

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_00]: the hostage crisis in Iran and the bombing of Pan Am flight 103 over Lockerbie.

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_00]: These frightening world events filled my thoughts throughout the day

[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_00]: and I began to wonder how I would ever be safe in a world where such horrible things

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_00]: could happen. I never told my parents how I was feeling, instead I held it all in and became a warrior.

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_00]: As an adult, I realized that the reason I never said anything to my parents about my feeling of doom

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and gloom at the dinner table was because I didn't know there was an option other than to worry.

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think my parents knew either. My mother and father were warriors in an era when

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_00]: there were no blogs, online articles or television segments titled How to Tell Your Children About

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Scary Events in the World. With all the fear and worry in my home, I honestly believed the world was

[00:02:26] [SPEAKER_00]: a scary place and there was nothing my parents or anybody else could do about it. My parents are

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: now in their 80s. I recently asked them why they had not been more careful about how they

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_00]: talked with me and my siblings about current events so many years ago. My parents told me

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_00]: essentially, they believe you can't hide from what's happening in the world. They actually

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_00]: wanted their children to know about everything that was happening so we would be prepared with

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: the knowledge of how to face problems and handle our lives appropriately. What I don't think they

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_00]: realized then or now is that teaching their children about current events, including some very

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_00]: scary stuff, was only part of the formula for preparing us to face fears about an uncertain

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: world and handle things appropriately. The other essential tool that I needed,

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and I think my siblings would agree, was something to help me deal emotionally with what was happening,

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: something to help me find strength and resilience to face uncertain times.

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Many years later, I live in New York City with my husband and two daughters.

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_00]: My children are exposed to troubling world events far beyond the dinner table.

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_00]: My older daughter was in nursery school about one mile from the World Trade Center on 9-11

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and even closer to the terrorist attack last year when a car mowed people down on the West Side

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Highway. My children, like all children in the United States, are now exposed through social media

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_00]: from the minute they wake up until they go to sleep of stories of new types of terrorism,

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_00]: mass shootings at schools, global warming, and a host of other complex problems in the world.

[00:04:00] [SPEAKER_00]: While I don't want my children to feel like I did as a child, that the world is

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_00]: a terrible place and they were all doomed, I also don't want to insulate them from what's

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00]: actually going on in the world, even if I could. My parents were right to educate me,

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_00]: but I have to do more. I have to give my children more tools than I was given to handle these

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: even more uncertain times. After 9-11, I was watching a news program and a psychologist came

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_00]: on to share her advice about speaking to children about the terrorist attacks.

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_00]: The psychologist said that one of the things I could do to comfort my children

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00]: was to tell them that most people are safe from terrorist attacks and natural disasters in the

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00]: world. As much as I like the fact that there is high statistical chance that my children will not

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_00]: be touched by horrendous acts of terrorism or environmental tragedies, would this really

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_00]: give them what they needed to accept the uncertainties of life? There had to be a

[00:04:54] [SPEAKER_00]: better perspective to give them, besides statistics, a better tool to help them navigate these uncertain

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_00]: times. As my daughters got a little older, I seized on the idea to teach them to be positive

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_00]: thinkers. I had met people through my business dealings that were very successful entrepreneurs

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_00]: who were positive no matter what they faced. Most of them seemed to weather a lot of uncertainties,

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_00]: like losing big clients and even filing bankruptcies only to start a new business

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_00]: the next day. The first time I realized the limits of trying to help my daughters cultivate

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: a perspective of positive thinking to deal with the unknown was when my oldest tried out for her

[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_00]: first school play. She told me she was going to stay really positive about getting apart,

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_00]: because when you think positive, good things happen.

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_00]: That's wonderful honey, I beamed. The day the cast list went up, her name was not there.

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_00]: She said she couldn't believe it and kept looking at the list again and again for her name.

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_00]: She came home crying hysterically and yelling positive thinking doesn't work,

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm never trying out for a play again. To be continued, you just listened to part one of the

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_00]: post titled If the world is scary, how can our children not be scared? By Allison Carmen of

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_00]: allisoncarmon.com and I'll be back in a sec with my comments. Okay, and thanks a lot to

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Allison for a great beginning to this post. Obviously there is more to get through,

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00]: but so far I think we've been given an opportunity to consider how our parents approaches,

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and our own approaches as parents have a lot more to do with the lived experience of the parents

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_00]: than they do with objective realities about the world or optimal management of emotions.

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_00]: All the more reason it's valuable to question what we've been taught and what we're teaching

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_00]: now. How might the biases be popping up in parenting? So if it's you as a parent, how can you challenge

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_00]: this and set a more open-minded example for your children? If it's your own parents,

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_00]: how can you use this insight to learn about them and empathize with them and if necessary even

[00:07:07] [SPEAKER_00]: forgive them? So some thoughts to take with you today everyone. I hope you can contemplate

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_00]: them and make them work for you. Thank you as always for being here and do be sure

[00:07:16] [SPEAKER_00]: to join us again for part two tomorrow where we'll finish this post and where your optimal life awaits.