2279: The Many Benefits Of Self-Compassion by Dr. Lisa Firestone of PsychAlive on Adopting Self-Kindness

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily, The Many Benefits Of Self-Compassion by Dr. Lisa Firestone of PsychAlive.org.

[00:00:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody and welcome to Optimal Relationships Daily, where I, Greg Audino, am with you every single day

[00:00:15] [SPEAKER_00]: to share different expertly written articles that focus on relationship building.

[00:00:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Today we'll be honing in on how to improve the most important relationship you'll ever have,

[00:00:24] [SPEAKER_00]: which is the relationship with yourself as we learn about the benefits of self-compassion

[00:00:28] [SPEAKER_00]: and how to unleash it. So let's get right to it as we optimize your life.

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_00]: The Many Benefits Of Self-Compassion by Dr. Lisa Firestone of PsychAlive.org

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Our sense of self is often a divided thing. Most of us have a side in us that is on our own team.

[00:00:51] [SPEAKER_00]: It encourages and supports us. It helps us fight for what we want and believes in what we can

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_00]: achieve. However, there is often an opposite force in each of us that is pretty much our worst enemy.

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_00]: It insults, critiques, questions and undermines us. It keeps us from pursuing our goals and

[00:01:09] [SPEAKER_00]: punishes us for our mistakes. This is the side of us that my father, Dr. Robert Firestone,

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_00]: has called the Anti-Self. In my and my father's work we often talk about how and why this

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: anti-self emerges and how to challenge the negative line of thinking it perpetuates,

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_00]: which we call the critical inner voice. One exercise we ask people to try is writing down

[00:01:33] [SPEAKER_00]: their self-critical thoughts in the second person, i.e. you are such a loser you can't get

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_00]: anything right. We then suggest people write down a more realistic and compassionate response

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_00]: to these thoughts, the way one might respond to a friend saying these things about themselves.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_00]: We ask that people write these statements in the first person, i.e. I am not a loser,

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_00]: I have many strengths and I don't have to beat myself up when I make a mistake.

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_00]: The second part of this exercise can be very challenging and unexpectedly emotional for

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: people. It's often difficult to stand up to our critical inner voices, particularly when so many

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_00]: of us struggle with low self-esteem. Input from others is often perceived as additional

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_00]: criticism and can trigger us and set off even more critical inner voices. Our responses may range

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_00]: from being victimized or overly defensive to exaggerating and needing to build ourselves up.

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_00]: The attitude we need to adopt in order to stand up to our inner critic

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: is one that is scientifically proven to be highly beneficial to our overall mental health

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_00]: and well-being. That attitude is self-compassion. Dr. Kristen Neff is a leading researcher

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: on self-compassion. This November I'll have the honor of speaking to Dr. Neff in a one-hour webinar

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_00]: about her extensive findings on the many benefits of self-compassion, some of which I will highlight

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_00]: in this blog. Dr. Neff's research has shown that in many ways self-compassion is more beneficial

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_00]: than self-esteem to our psychological well-being. In comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_00]: is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_00]: behavior as well as less narcissism and reactive anger. Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion is not

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: based on self-evaluation or judgment in general. Self-esteem can be problematic because it's

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: often contingent on what we accomplish. It can rise and fall with our successes and failures

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_00]: and provide just the fuel we need to rev up our critical inner voice. In contrast, self-compassion

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: involves a consistent attitude of kindness and acceptance toward ourselves as a whole.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: As Dr. Neff writes, quote, people feel compassion for themselves because all human

[00:03:51] [SPEAKER_00]: beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits.

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_00]: End quote. According to Dr. Neff, self-compassion involves three main elements.

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Self-kindness versus self-judgment, mindfulness versus over-identification with thoughts,

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: and common humanity versus isolation. Adopting these attitudes leads to many rewards.

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_00]: By fostering self-kindness, we can steer away from judging ourselves too harshly

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and we can return to this attitude anytime life doesn't go exactly our way.

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_00]: We can't always get what we want. We can't always be who we want to be, says Dr. Neff.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_00]: When this reality is denied or resisted, suffering arises in the form of stress,

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: frustration and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with benevolence,

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: however, we generate positive emotions of kindness and care that help us cope.

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_00]: By practicing mindfulness, we reduce our tendency to ruminate on problems

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: or negative forms of thinking that are not conducive to real growth or change.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: The practice of self-compassion can help us avoid the trappings of these self-limiting or

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_00]: destructive thought processes, like the critical inner voice, that often diminish our motivation

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: or initiative. Dr. Neff's findings show that self-compassion can reduce anxiety

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_00]: and help us to make real changes in our lives. Finally, by promoting a sense of common humanity,

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: we can stop seeing ourselves from a victimized or narcissistic vantage point.

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Instead, we can accept the reality described by Dr. Neff.

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_00]: All humans suffer. The very definition of being human means that one is mortal, vulnerable and

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_00]: imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_00]: is part of the shared human experience, something that we all go through rather

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_00]: than being something that happens to me alone. The rewards of self-compassion are so extensive

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_00]: and can be explored in greater detail in Dr. Neff's book, Self-compassion.

[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Some of Dr. Neff's key findings show that self-compassion has a significant positive

[00:06:02] [SPEAKER_00]: association with happiness, optimism, positive effect, wisdom, personal initiative,

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_00]: curiosity and exploration, agreeableness, conscientiousness and extroversion.

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: In each of our lifetimes, we will be faced with struggles big and small, internal and external.

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00]: The pursuit of self-compassion allows us to face these obstacles with a sense that

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_00]: not only are we on our own team, but we are very much a part of a larger team.

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_00]: We can have feelings for our inherent value while addressing the things we seek to change.

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: We can learn to tune out the critical inner voice that holds us back

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_00]: and establish a healthy and authentic sense of self.

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled, The Many Benefits of Self-compassion

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_00]: by Dr. Lisa Firestone of Psycholive.org and I'll be right back to share my commentary.

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay and thanks so much to Dr. Lisa for this post, a highly important one no doubt about that.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: You know for me, self-compassion is always easiest to come by when I think about the

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_00]: fact that I'm objectively always trying my best, just like we all are.

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_00]: And sure sometimes we can get lazy and do one thing when we know another might be wiser,

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_00]: but even still in those moments we are limited by our lack of motivation,

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: without the tools to rekindle it. We are literally always doing the best we can,

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_00]: given an infinite cocktail of circumstances, experiences, genetics, etc.

[00:07:39] [SPEAKER_00]: We may all have the same amount of hours in a day, yes, and we might have access to many of

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_00]: the same helpful resources and what have you, but there's so much more at play that determines

[00:07:52] [SPEAKER_00]: our behavior, including sadly our ability to be self-compassionate. But my hope is that

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_00]: after listening to this article and commentary that you'll be that much more prepared to

[00:08:04] [SPEAKER_00]: forgive yourself and show yourself love the next time you're in need of it.

[00:08:09] [SPEAKER_00]: That's going to do it for today though everybody, thanks a lot for coming as always,

[00:08:13] [SPEAKER_00]: thank you for doing right by your relationships, and I'll see you again tomorrow, where your

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_00]: optimal life awaits.