2282: There Are Some People You Just Can’t Help by Anya Light with Tiny Buddha on Setting Healthy Boundaries

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily. There are some people you just can't help by Anya Light

[00:00:06] [SPEAKER_00]: with tinybuddha.com. Hello everybody, Greg Audino here, your host and narrator of the show.

[00:00:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks a lot for stopping in once again and making an effort to improve the relationships

[00:00:16] [SPEAKER_00]: in your life. And for many, that means knowing when we can and can't help people.

[00:00:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Surely this need to be of service can be a big struggle for many people.

[00:00:25] [SPEAKER_00]: And today we hope that this article can help to alleviate some of that pressure.

[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_00]: So let's get right to the reading now and optimize your life.

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_00]: There are some people you just can't help by Anya Light with tinybuddha.com.

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Be there, be open, be honest, be kind, be willing to listen, understand, accept,

[00:00:53] [SPEAKER_00]: support, and forgive. This is what it means to love.

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_00]: That's by Laurie Deschain. A few months ago, I was totally freaked out.

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_00]: I was having a cup of tea with a soul sister friend, and we were in deep conversation.

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I was crying. I was explaining, between hiccuping sobs, about how there was someone in my life who

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_00]: was suffering deeply. Sitting at the cafe that day, I said to her, there is this person in my

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: life that I love so deeply, but he is suffering. I told her about all the ways I was connected to

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_00]: this very special person and told her about how I was committed to helping him. My friend

[00:01:33] [SPEAKER_00]: was emphatically listening, and my story went on and on. He's so depressed. When I'm around him,

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I just suddenly feel so bad. I feel his pain. It's so deep. I've tried to share my wisdom with him

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_00]: to help him evolve out of his depressed rut, but he won't listen. I know he can make a change,

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_00]: but he just won't listen to me. It's like his ears are closed to me. What do I do? How can I help him?

[00:02:01] [SPEAKER_00]: It was then that my dear friend replied in a way that I will never forget.

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_00]: She placed her hand on my shoulder and looked deeply into my eyes. We sat in silence for a

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_00]: moment. Finally, she spoke with such a gentle tone in her voice.

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Anya, your lesson to learn in this situation is simple yet difficult. Your lesson is that you

[00:02:23] [SPEAKER_00]: cannot help this person. Sometimes there are people that you just can't help. I gasped. Chills

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_00]: ran down my spine. Her words resonated through every cell of my body. It was all so simple.

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_00]: There are people in my life that I just can't help. So simple, yet so profound. Why hadn't

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I realized this before? And how had I somehow fallen into the trap of taking on someone else's

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: burden as my own? Why had I gotten trapped in suffering by trying to fix someone who was suffering?

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_00]: These traps are, unfortunately, all too common for those of us with big open hearts.

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: They're quite common for those of us who are caregivers, lovers, amazing friends, healers,

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: spiritual way-showers, and all those who wish to use our lives in service to a higher good.

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Since that day at the cafe, I've been thinking a lot about my sweet friend's advice,

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_00]: and I've come to a few insights of my own. First, in order to be helped, a person must first ask

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_00]: for help. A person must make themselves available, vulnerable, open, and humble. And this is not

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_00]: easy. It's not easy to be open. It's not easy to say, I don't know, please help me. Second,

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_00]: in order for you to help someone with your words, that person must first resonate with the kind of

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_00]: wisdom you have to share. As a matter of fact, my depressed friend has a totally different worldview

[00:03:55] [SPEAKER_00]: than I do. So it's no wonder he wasn't open to my words of advice. There are a thousand paths and a

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_00]: thousand ways to interpret the world. My way may not be your way, and your way may not be your

[00:04:07] [SPEAKER_00]: neighbor's way. We're often so different in our concepts and language for interpreting this

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_00]: mysterious thing called life. In short, for a person to want your help, that person must be

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: somewhat already aligned to your philosophical and spiritual worldview. Further, in order for a

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_00]: person to receive your help, they also must present themselves to you in the most perfect, synchronistic

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_00]: moment. Indeed, they must be standing before you in the most precise, delicate moment, the moment

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: just before the blossoming, just before the great change occurs. It can be as small as a split second

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: of opening. Timing is everything. In that moment of perfect timing, they will be not only ready,

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_00]: but hungry for evolution, hungry for growth, hungry for truth, hungry for new ways of seeing the world

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: beyond their limited old perspective. My dear friend who is suffering does not want to grow

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_00]: in the way I wish he would, consciously evolve out of suffering through spiritual practice,

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_00]: at least not at this time. He's suffering and he does not even want to admit that he's suffering.

[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_00]: He believes he can achieve no higher or better state in this lifetime.

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Once I realized that there are some people I just can't help, I felt a tremendous relief,

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_00]: a giant stone lifted from my heart and I could suddenly breathe again. I realized that I had

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: unwittingly taken on his suffering as my own, in a misguided attempt to figure out how to fix him.

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_00]: I had allowed my natural empathy to become a wound in my own energetic body.

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_00]: If a person you love is stuck in a place of denial to their own suffering or their own addictions or

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_00]: stuckness, then there is a strong possibility that what you say won't make a bit of difference.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Denial is an incredibly strong force, and if your worldview differs too much from theirs,

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_00]: then it may not be your place to plant any seeds of wisdom. It may be your place to step back from

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_00]: trying to speak at all. That's a tough lesson of love, I know, but if you can remember it,

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_00]: it will save you a lot of heartache. Indeed, if someone is in denial to their own suffering,

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_00]: then that very denial may very well block them from truly hearing you speak.

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_00]: So what do we do in these kinds of situations? Can we take any action at all? The answer is yes.

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_00]: When we deeply love someone and we are invested in them, such as a lover, a friend, a child,

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_00]: or a business partner, what we can do is simply radiate love. When we are in their presence,

[00:06:41] [SPEAKER_00]: we can be as light, happy, and conscious as possible. This light, this presence, this

[00:06:48] [SPEAKER_00]: subtle vibration will subtly shift their energetic field, and though no words are spoken, they will

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_00]: feel a little bit more peace while they are near us, whether they consciously know it or not.

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_00]: And we can of course listen to them. When they need to talk, we can listen, and we can offer

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_00]: a hug or a gentle reassuring smile. Indeed, sometimes when we love someone, the best thing

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_00]: we can do is shut the heck up. The best thing we can do is simply be. You just listened to

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_00]: the post titled... There are some people you just can't help by Anya Light with tinybuddha.com

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'll be right back after this with my commentary.

[00:07:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks a lot to Anya for this one. Like she said, a really simple yet effective reminder,

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_00]: one that seemed to just reach her at the right time. It's funny how there are these

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_00]: conventional pieces of wisdom that we're all at least sort of aware of, yet we can lose sight of

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_00]: them and act against them until we eventually arrive at a point at which we're so distanced

[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_00]: that being reminded of these truths can be extremely transformational, which again seem

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_00]: to be the case for Anya about not being able to help everyone. So a great reminder, yet I would

[00:08:04] [SPEAKER_00]: also pair it with a lot of self-exploration if I were Anya. Questions to ask might be,

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: why am I so compelled to help others? What value do I feel I offer if I'm not helping others?

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Am I willing to let others help me? Are there certain types of people I'm prone to wanting

[00:08:22] [SPEAKER_00]: to help most? So once we dive into this type of self-questioning, I think we stand a better

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_00]: chance at truly allowing ourselves to be comfortable with the fact that, yeah, we can't

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: help everyone because we're understanding our urge at the source and therefore positioning

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_00]: ourselves to manage it better. So I encourage these questions and more for anyone who has

[00:08:45] [SPEAKER_00]: that martyrdom, that compulsion to help everyone or any compulsion for that matter.

[00:08:51] [SPEAKER_00]: It's time to wrap things up for now though folks. Another one in the books. I hope you enjoyed this

[00:08:55] [SPEAKER_00]: article and learned something from it. Perhaps this was the reminder that you needed at this

[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_00]: point in time as well. So good luck out there and be sure to join us again tomorrow for another post

[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and where your optimal life awaits.