2284: Why Smart Women Settle For Dumb Relationships by Lisa Merlo-Booth on Toxic Marriages

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Why Smart Women Settle For Dumb Relationships by Lisa Merlo-Booth of LisaMerlo-Booth.com

[00:00:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody and thank you so much for tuning in to Optimal Relationships Daily once again.

[00:00:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host and narrator Greg Audino, and this is the podcast on which I read to you

[00:00:19] [SPEAKER_00]: every single day from different blogs that cover relationship building tips and techniques.

[00:00:25] [SPEAKER_00]: And today's is set to help women who are in unhealthy relationships reclaim their

[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_00]: power the right way.

[00:00:31] [SPEAKER_00]: So listen closely as we get into it now and optimize your life.

[00:00:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Why Smart Women Settle For Dumb Relationships by Lisa Merlo-Booth of LisaMerlo-Booth.com

[00:00:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Women are settling for dumb relationships every day.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Bright, smart, competent women are living in emotionally cold marriages that are filled

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_00]: with sarcasm, contempt, betrayal, addiction, and even rage.

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Why are they settling?

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Because of fear, stress, their children, and a lack of belief that things can be better.

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_00]: They are fearful to be on their own, and figure living with someone is better than living

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_00]: alone.

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_00]: They're scared of making waves with their partner because he might get angry or leave.

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: They want their children to be raised in a two-parent home no matter what the

[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_00]: cost to themselves.

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Women don't trust that if they fought for something better with their partners

[00:01:30] [SPEAKER_00]: that they'd actually get it.

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_00]: So they settle.

[00:01:33] [SPEAKER_00]: They settle for an empty marriage and they lower their expectations.

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_00]: They do not settle however without a cost.

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Research shows that marriage is good for a man's health, regardless of the degree

[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_00]: of marital satisfaction.

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_00]: This does not hold true however for women.

[00:01:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Women benefit from marriages if and only if they are satisfied in them.

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_00]: When they are not satisfied, it is in fact harmful to their health to be married.

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Psychologist Darby Saxby reports that women in chronically unhappy marriages can

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_00]: often be on a roller coaster ride of stress levels that rise and fall so

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_00]: frequently that eventually the body stops being able to relax easily.

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_00]: This elevated level of stress has been linked to extreme tiredness, depression,

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: a weaker immune system, osteoporosis, and even cancer.

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Why are so many smart women so unhappy in their marriages?

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_00]: They're unhappy because they're not getting what they want and

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_00]: they don't know how to fight to change that.

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_00]: They end up accommodating and getting resentful or raging and going over the top.

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: In essence, they either overshoot or undershoot.

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Rachel for example has been married for 15 years and has three children.

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Rachel is disappointed that her husband works so much and she wishes he would

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_00]: do more with the family.

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_00]: She doesn't like it when he's short with her or the kids.

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_00]: However, she understands that he is under a lot of stress so she just lets it go.

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_00]: She wishes her husband would talk to her more but he's just not a talker.

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER_00]: She knows he loves her.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Rachel doesn't want to add to his stress by complaining about their relationship.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: She's been trying to make life easier for her husband for most of their marriage.

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00]: She believes that if she keeps things calm then her husband won't take

[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_00]: things out on her and the children.

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: She has learned to accommodate just like her own mother did.

[00:03:24] [SPEAKER_00]: In contrast, Karen has had it.

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_00]: She is livid and not afraid to say it.

[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Her husband is irresponsible and passive aggressive.

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_00]: He agrees to do something one day and then gives her a thousand excuses

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_00]: about why it's not done the next.

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_00]: She's on him constantly to follow through with his promises

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and can barely look at him she's so fed up.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: She screams at him often because it's the only time he listens.

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_00]: If they didn't have the kids she would have been out of the relationship a long time ago.

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_00]: She's seriously considering leaving anyway.

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Both of these women are in unhappy relationships.

[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Although Rachel accommodates and Karen rages, they both have adopted

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_00]: unhealthy strategies to help them cope.

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Karen overshoots and Rachel undershoots.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Neither strategy is effective.

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_00]: When women overshoot they yell, control, go on and on incessantly

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_00]: or make repeated empty threats.

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: All of these are ineffective.

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_00]: When women undershoot they accommodate, say yes when they mean no,

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_00]: take whatever they're given and either shut down and become resentful or get depressed.

[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Both of these strategies lead to unhealthy relationships.

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Women often incorporate one of two solutions to these relationships.

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00]: They either eat it or leave it.

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Those that eat it try to stick it out as best they can.

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: They say little, hope for better and try to make the most of a bad situation.

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_00]: All the while it takes a toll on their emotional and physical health.

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Those that leave it either separate or divorce.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Lori Anderson in her article Why Are Women Leaving Marriage in DROVES from Cyberplanet.com

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_00]: reports that women instigate more than 75% of today's divorces.

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_00]: They feel as though they've been carrying the bulk of the household duties

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_00]: while also working a full-time job anyway.

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Being a single parent they believe may not result in that great a difference in their day-to-day

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: lifestyle. In addition, many of these women have greater support, higher incomes and greater

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_00]: financial independence than women in older generations, making divorce a more viable option.

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00]: The problem with either sticking it out or divorcing however is that each comes

[00:05:36] [SPEAKER_00]: with a significant cost. When women accommodate they become resentful,

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_00]: stressed and physically unhealthy. Furthermore, they teach their children a very unhealthy model

[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_00]: for relationships. A model their children are likely to repeat when they get older.

[00:05:51] [SPEAKER_00]: When the women choose option two and stand up and walk out, it also does not come without

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: a cost to themselves and their children. Often divorce leads to depression and issues of

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_00]: self-acceptance for women. In addition, they often suffer up to a 30% decline in their

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_00]: standard of living. The cost to the children is also often significant. Divorce is difficult

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_00]: under the best of circumstances. When you have children it's even more difficult.

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Research has shown that children of divorce often experience difficulties in school

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_00]: and exhibit more health, behavioral and emotional problems than children from intact homes.

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_00]: So what are women to do? If they stay in a miserable relationship it hurts them

[00:06:31] [SPEAKER_00]: and if they leave a miserable relationship it hurts them. Is this a no-win?

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of either extreme, it's important for women to first do everything in their power to

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER_00]: change the relationship. Rather than accommodating and taking it, they need to learn how to ask

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_00]: for what they want and then fight healthily to get it. If the relationship still doesn't change,

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_00]: then the woman can go knowing she has done everything she could to make it work.

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_00]: In essence, she has earned a way out. One of the problems with this approach however,

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_00]: is that women don't know how to fight. Women need to learn how to fight for their relationship

[00:07:07] [SPEAKER_00]: relationally and the first step towards changing the relationship is changing themselves.

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Women need to adopt a quiet strength. They need to realize that they deserve to be treated

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_00]: well by all people at all times and their loved ones deserve the same. If someone is not

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_00]: treating them well, women need to stand up with a quiet, confident, powerful strength and set a limit.

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_00]: They do not need to beat the person over the head with rage and empty threats.

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_00]: It's the difference between screaming, you're an idiot, don't you dare speak to me like that

[00:07:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and stating in a strong respectful tone, I want you to know that if you continue

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_00]: to speak to me like that now or in the future this marriage is in trouble.

[00:07:49] [SPEAKER_00]: When you speak tough truths with common conviction it has a way of stopping people

[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_00]: in their tracks and they listen. Once they're listened to then women have to learn to back

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_00]: their words up with actions. I see smart competent women who are extremely successful in their careers

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_00]: have the most unsatisfying relationships imaginable at home. It's as though they leave their best

[00:08:12] [SPEAKER_00]: self at the office. It's time for women to bring this same level of competency

[00:08:16] [SPEAKER_00]: to their marriage. It's time to do this with a new more refined feminine power.

[00:08:21] [SPEAKER_00]: We don't need to nag or rage but instead stand up with a quiet, respectful, powerful strength

[00:08:27] [SPEAKER_00]: that is centered, calm and comes from within. When women learn how to harness this quiet

[00:08:34] [SPEAKER_00]: strength they will set in motion a ripple effect that will influence relationships across the

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_00]: world. You just listened to the post titled Why Smart Women Settle for Dumb Relationships

[00:08:49] [SPEAKER_00]: by Lisa Merlo Booth of LisaMerloBooth.com and I'll be back in just a sec with my comments.

[00:08:56] [SPEAKER_00]: All right and thank you so much to Lisa for this post, a really empowering one which we

[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_00]: always love to share. Now for women or anyone who feel it's time to set a certain tone

[00:09:06] [SPEAKER_00]: with that calm and conviction she mentioned obviously it can be a scary thing to do.

[00:09:12] [SPEAKER_00]: We might not know how to speak in this way oftentimes because we don't even know what

[00:09:17] [SPEAKER_00]: to say because we haven't taken the time to think about what the boundaries are that we want to set.

[00:09:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Being bullied or suppressing our feelings and relationships for so long

[00:09:27] [SPEAKER_00]: can cause us to forget what we even want right? But to speak with intention we need

[00:09:32] [SPEAKER_00]: to have belief behind it so if it feels overwhelming to consider having a conversation

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_00]: like this with this type of confidence first take some time to reflect on what you

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_00]: really want and what you really believe in as well as the lengths you're willing to go to get it

[00:09:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and what action you're prepared to take otherwise. Power in this case comes from having something

[00:09:55] [SPEAKER_00]: you believe in to defend it's not just a matter of speaking in a certain way that

[00:10:00] [SPEAKER_00]: speech needs to be predicated on something bigger but that's going to bring us to the

[00:10:05] [SPEAKER_00]: end for today everybody as always I thank you for being here and making another episode

[00:10:09] [SPEAKER_00]: possible have a great rest of your day and I'll hope to see you again tomorrow

[00:10:12] [SPEAKER_00]: where your optimal life awaits