2289: Three Ways Social Media Makes It Harder to Get Emotionally Divorced by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Breaking Up

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_00]: nd this is Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:28] [SPEAKER_01]: 3 Ways Social Media Makes It Harder to Get Emotionally Divorced

[00:00:33] [SPEAKER_01]: by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_01]: Hello everybody, happy Sunday and thank you so much for joining us over the weekend.

[00:00:42] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Greg Audino, your host and narrator, and this is ORD of course, where I read

[00:00:47] [SPEAKER_01]: to you daily from great blogs that discuss relationship building.

[00:00:51] [SPEAKER_01]: In today's post we'll focus on the aftermath of divorce or breakups when moving

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_01]: on is particularly difficult because of social media.

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Let's learn about why and how to combat that as we optimize your life.

[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_01]: 3 Ways Social Media Makes It Harder to Get Emotionally Divorced

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_01]: by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Perhaps the hardest part of divorce is not the legal part.

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Even given tedious interrogatories or hard-to-reach attorneys, all that may

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_01]: seem like a drop in a bucket when you're trying to trudge through anger, grief,

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_01]: loneliness, feelings of failure, as well as trying to help kids deal with their own feelings.

[00:01:37] [SPEAKER_01]: Getting emotionally divorced can be the actual kicker.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe you're watching your ex make changes that you'd been begging them to make.

[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe someone else is being introduced to your kids within a month of the divorce or even before.

[00:01:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe you've lost friends who sided with your ex.

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe you've had to move or you've had drastic changes to your finances.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_01]: What can be worse is if your kids are manipulated by your ex.

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_01]: Perhaps your ex is making sure that the terms of the divorce are followed in minute detail with no compromise,

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_01]: or they've spread lies about you having an affair,

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_01]: or they're telling your kids you're a loser or were at fault.

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_01]: At its worst, that's called parental alienation.

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_01]: It can be very hard and for a long time.

[00:02:23] [SPEAKER_01]: TikTok and other social media likely fuels those complicated feelings.

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_01]: These techy tools we embrace to connect us with others can also keep us tethered to our exes,

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_01]: even when we want the opposite.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_01]: How does social media make emotional divorce harder?

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_01]: The process of letting go can be prolonged because you know things through social media that,

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_01]: prior to 20 years ago or so, would have been impossible.

[00:02:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Gone are the days when you can move on with a measure of secrecy and have a fresh start,

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_01]: or be happily ignorant of your once spouse's new life.

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_01]: Years ago, if you had a moment of weakness and wanted to spy on your ex,

[00:03:06] [SPEAKER_01]: you'd have to drive slowly past their house,

[00:03:09] [SPEAKER_01]: or awkwardly ask a friend for information,

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_01]: or worse, quiz your children.

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_01]: All you have to do is open an app and there they are right in front of you,

[00:03:18] [SPEAKER_01]: probably trying to make their new life look as normal and happy as possible,

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_01]: as people do on social media.

[00:03:24] [SPEAKER_01]: Mutual friends liking pictures of your ex on vacation with the person that they had an affair with?

[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_01]: That stings.

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_01]: Seeing Instagram photos of destinations that you always dreamed of visiting?

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_01]: Stinks.

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_01]: And if you're blocked or unfriended,

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_01]: then you can become obsessed with finding out details and beating them at their own game.

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_01]: It's much healthier to focus on your own healing,

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_01]: as you've got a rough enough ride without making it rougher.

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_01]: 2. It's too difficult to contain your desire to either win the fight or get emotional closure.

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Remember all the emotions mentioned previously in this article?

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Any one of those is tough to work through.

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Whether through texting, private messaging, or more public Facebook posts,

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_01]: it's difficult to not use any and all forms of communication to make your point,

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_01]: just one more time.

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_01]: And it's so easy and convenient to have a reaction to something

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_01]: without taking the time to process and consider the best response.

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_01]: Instead, you can fire off a quick text while still in the heat of the moment because…

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Boom!

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Got your feelings out.

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_01]: But you also have maybe created a little more chaos.

[00:04:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Many yearn for an emotional closure that may never happen.

[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm guilty as charged of this.

[00:04:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Months after my divorce, my ex would call me very late at night.

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_01]: One day my therapist asked me,

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_01]: So why do you pick up the phone?

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_01]: I heard some lame excuse come out of my mouth.

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Well it could be about one of our friends being in trouble,

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_01]: or maybe he's going to allow me to see his kids after all,

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_01]: or the extra lame, maybe it's my mom.

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_01]: My mother went to bed at 9 o'clock and did not wake until dawn's light.

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_01]: I was embarrassed by my answers.

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_01]: He looked at me and quietly asked me one more time,

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_01]: So why do you pick up the phone?

[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_01]: There were so many real reasons.

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_01]: I desperately wanted closure.

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_01]: I was lonely.

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't want him to hate me.

[00:05:21] [SPEAKER_01]: I still wondered if I had done the right thing.

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe he'd understand my side.

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe I'd understand his.

[00:05:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Or maybe it would serve as a reminder of how hurtful the relationship had been.

[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Finally, I realized I had to get closure by myself.

[00:05:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I had to reach out and connect with others.

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_01]: I had to detach from whatever his feelings or opinions were.

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_01]: I had no control over that,

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_01]: and I had to give myself time to develop a new normal,

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_01]: one where I'd trust myself again.

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_01]: It's harder to create new, healthier communication habits.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_01]: It's hard to be angrily texting at 1.30am,

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_01]: then see each other at a parent-teacher conference and try to be cordial.

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Continuing the same fighting that was occurring during the marriage is simply not helpful.

[00:06:08] [SPEAKER_01]: You didn't fix it then.

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_01]: You're not going to fix it now, at least not anytime soon.

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_01]: You both need to learn how to communicate on a different level,

[00:06:16] [SPEAKER_01]: one without a lot of emotion and baggage.

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_01]: With time, you both may get some perspective and be able to engage differently,

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_01]: without the animosity and defensiveness that once characterized your conversations.

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_01]: You can only control your end of the relationship,

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_01]: and getting emotionally divorced so that you're not looking for anything from them other than

[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_01]: co-parent needs to be your focus.

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_01]: You just listened to the post titled

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Three Ways Social Media Makes It Harder To Get Emotionally Divorced

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_01]: by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_01]: and stick around for my commentary coming right after this.

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, and thanks to Dr. Margaret for this really validating and tech-conscious post.

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I assume this is just what some people needed to hear,

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_01]: should they be shaming themselves for how difficult it seems to be to break the spell of their ex.

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_01]: And while the obvious solution might seem to be removing yourself from social media,

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_01]: at least for a time, I hope that before doing that or taking other action,

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_01]: you can first give yourself some grace.

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_01]: Social media certainly makes it more difficult to get over people in this day and age.

[00:07:29] [SPEAKER_01]: There's nothing wrong with you for taking a little while.

[00:07:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Whether it's you seeing their social media accounts,

[00:07:34] [SPEAKER_01]: your friends talking about them, or what have you,

[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_01]: it's just not as easy to simply put someone in the back of your mind anymore.

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Past conversations and pictures are all a click away.

[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_01]: The list goes on.

[00:07:47] [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm saying acknowledge that.

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_01]: And also remember that all these barriers that make it difficult to let someone leave your mind

[00:07:56] [SPEAKER_01]: are absolutely not necessarily the same as a sign that you've done something wrong

[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_01]: or should be with them.

[00:08:02] [SPEAKER_01]: That's probably the biggest takeaway.

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_01]: Perhaps the worst part of this whole thing is when we start to think to ourselves,

[00:08:09] [SPEAKER_01]: I can't get them out of my head.

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe we really should be together.

[00:08:13] [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes yes, relationships are best to be rekindled after self-work and couples therapy,

[00:08:18] [SPEAKER_01]: etc.

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_01]: But just because someone stays active in your mind

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_01]: does not mean that there is a healthy attraction there

[00:08:26] [SPEAKER_01]: or some message from the universe telling you to get back with them.

[00:08:30] [SPEAKER_01]: So think about that today everyone.

[00:08:32] [SPEAKER_01]: It's time to get going for now.

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_01]: But as always, I thank you for tuning in and being aware and present in your relationships.

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_01]: Have a great day and I'll see you back here again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.