2290: [Part 1] Best Strategies to Help You Deal With Someone Who Plays the Victim by Sabrina of The Budding Optimist

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[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_02]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_02]: Best Strategies to Help You Deal with Someone Who Plays the Victim

[00:00:32] [SPEAKER_02]: Part 1 by Sabrina of TheButtingOptimist.com

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_02]: Hello everybody and welcome back.

[00:00:40] [SPEAKER_02]: I am your host and narrator Greg Audino, and this is where I read to you from some of the

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_02]: best blogs and books that teach us about the many facets of relationships.

[00:00:49] [SPEAKER_02]: It's a great show for learning about how to interact with others, and today we'll

[00:00:52] [SPEAKER_02]: be learning about how to interact specifically with those who feel as though they are

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_02]: victims of some kind.

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_02]: How can we empathize with them, help them, and still look after ourselves?

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_02]: We'll learn between today and tomorrow as this is a long post and I'll be splitting it up

[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_02]: over two episodes.

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_02]: So with that let's start it off on Part 1 and optimize your life.

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_02]: Best Strategies to Help You Deal with Someone Who Plays the Victim

[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_02]: Part 1 by Sabrina of TheButtingOptimist.com

[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_02]: You're out to get me, I just know it, the man said.

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_02]: I could sense his anxiety intensifying with each syllable.

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_02]: Even though I couldn't see his face on the other side of the telephone, I could tell

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_02]: he had angry hot tears rolling in his eyes.

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_02]: I let out a silent sigh.

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_02]: Ah, here we go again.

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_02]: The thought rammed through my mind and almost slipped through my teeth.

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_02]: Thankfully, I caught it just in time.

[00:01:50] [SPEAKER_02]: I put on my best professional voice and explained to him for what felt like the zillionth time

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_02]: that there was no stealthy agenda, no evil plot, no cunning conspiracy of any kind going

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_02]: on here.

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_02]: His manager had given him a written warning for a mistake that shouldn't have been made

[00:02:07] [SPEAKER_02]: by someone with his experience in training.

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_02]: As a member of Human Resources, I had personally reviewed the decision and agreed it was

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_02]: appropriate under the circumstances.

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_02]: He needed to take accountability and learn from his mistakes, end of story.

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_02]: But would he listen?

[00:02:23] [SPEAKER_02]: No.

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_02]: The belief that he had been the victim of a wicked, unjust and shameful ploy against

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_02]: him was already deeply entrenched in his mind and there was no way to dig it out.

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_02]: Just like the last time he made a similar mistake at work and the time before, there

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_02]: were always plenty of reasons why it was not his fault and we were the bad guys

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_02]: for not accepting his perfectly reasonable rationale.

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_02]: A few weeks later, he resigned but before he left, he made sure everyone in the office knew

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_02]: how he was bullied by the company and driven out.

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_02]: I assume by the fact that you're hearing these words that you know someone like this

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_02]: or a close version of it in your life.

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_02]: Perhaps it's a co-worker, maybe it's a friend or worse, someone you have to

[00:03:09] [SPEAKER_02]: live with and you don't know what to do with them.

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_02]: For them, life is always unfair and people unkind.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_02]: Just listening to them makes you feel drained and exasperated and even worse,

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_02]: they can make you feel guilty and lead you to question your own perception of reality.

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_02]: There's a name to this kind of behavior.

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_02]: It's called the victim syndrome or victim mentality and it's a real bummer.

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_02]: What is the victim syndrome or victim mentality?

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_02]: Victim syndrome or victim mentality are terms used to describe people who feel victimized all the time,

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_02]: even though most of their complaints are about trivial things.

[00:03:47] [SPEAKER_02]: People with a victim mentality project a sense of helplessness and vulnerability.

[00:03:52] [SPEAKER_02]: They often tell negative stories about themselves and use their experiences to

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_02]: arouse pity in others and seek validation for their suffering.

[00:04:00] [SPEAKER_02]: People with this mentality also tend to have ongoing struggles in their social realm

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_02]: as they like to view themselves as a victim across different kinds of interpersonal relationships.

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_02]: What are the signs of victim mentality?

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_02]: Not sure how to tell if a person has a victim mentality.

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_02]: Besides the traits I mentioned, also look for the following signs.

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_02]: They never admit their own shortcomings or recognize the role they play in a conflict.

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_02]: They like to exaggerate their negative experiences and feelings,

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_02]: every little problem is the end of the world.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_02]: They think that everybody or almost everybody is mean to them in some way.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_02]: They believe they're helpless and have little control over their life.

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_02]: Their conversations usually revolve around their problems,

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_02]: they show little to no interest in listening to others,

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_02]: they seem to attract drama and misfortune wherever they go

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_02]: and they lack self-confidence and like to think of themselves as being at a disadvantage

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_02]: compared to others.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_02]: I've seen my fair share of people with these traits of victim mentality

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_02]: in both my personal and professional life

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_02]: and I know how difficult it can be to work, live, socialize with them.

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_02]: They can easily suck you in, dampen your mood and deplete your energy with their constant negativity.

[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_02]: But the good news is, you don't have to let them.

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_02]: How do you deal with someone who plays the victim?

[00:05:21] [SPEAKER_02]: Five best strategies.

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_02]: Number one, help them look at the situation from another perspective.

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_02]: People who have a victim mentality often look at things from a narrow perspective.

[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_02]: Take for example my story of that disgruntled employee who believed a well-intended

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_02]: corrective action harbored a sinister motive.

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_02]: They tend to focus on only one perspective of the situation

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_02]: and it's usually a negative perspective

[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_02]: and forget that there could be another way of perceiving and interpreting the event.

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_02]: Even when there's a more logical and more positive explanation for what's happening,

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_02]: people with a victim mentality tend to default to the negative perspective,

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_02]: the view that others are intentionally trying to hurt them.

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_02]: The more they dwell on this negative perspective,

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_02]: the more resentful they feel and the more they tell others like you about it.

[00:06:10] [SPEAKER_02]: Reliving the perceived negative experience over and over each time they recount the narrative

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_02]: and in turn they build up even more resentment.

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_02]: It's a vicious cycle.

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_02]: To help them break this cycle, you need to remind them that there are usually several

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_02]: sides to every story.

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_02]: Show them there's another angle to look at things when they're stuck in their tunnel vision.

[00:06:31] [SPEAKER_02]: Here's an example.

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_02]: When someone with a victim mentality says,

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_02]: so and so from accounting was standoffish when I asked her about my expenses today,

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_02]: she must not like me, you could say, she probably had a bad day.

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_02]: We all have days when we feel irritated and it's likely got nothing to do with you.

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_02]: To be continued, you just listened to part one of the post titled

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_02]: best strategies to help you deal with someone who plays the victim

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_02]: by Sabrina of thebuttingoptimist.com.

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_02]: Okay and thanks to Sabrina for a great start to this post.

[00:07:09] [SPEAKER_02]: I really like where this one is going but before we sign off and look toward part two tomorrow,

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_02]: I will just comment on the end part of what we've heard today.

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_02]: Well it can be so incredibly helpful to offer new perspectives to those feeling like victims.

[00:07:23] [SPEAKER_02]: It's best to pair that approach with first acknowledging the struggle that they are interpreting.

[00:07:29] [SPEAKER_02]: Anyone is much more apt to feeling heard and supported when their feelings are first validated.

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_02]: Simply saying, that sounds tough or that must be so frustrating goes a really long way.

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_02]: And once that bond is established, it becomes easier to entertain other ideas

[00:07:47] [SPEAKER_02]: and to change the mindset and for you to really understand what they're going through.

[00:07:52] [SPEAKER_02]: So if you're looking to help someone who is feeling like a victim,

[00:07:56] [SPEAKER_02]: remember to tend to what you're ultimately there to do which I should hope is to be an ally.

[00:08:01] [SPEAKER_02]: Then the two of you can explore other ways of interpreting the situation at hand.

[00:08:06] [SPEAKER_02]: So think about that today. It's time to get going for now though everyone.

[00:08:10] [SPEAKER_02]: But I thank you for being here and showing up for your relationships

[00:08:12] [SPEAKER_02]: and don't forget to tune back in tomorrow where we will hear the rest of this post

[00:08:16] [SPEAKER_02]: and where your optimal life awaits.