2291: [Part 2] Best Strategies to Help You Deal With Someone Who Plays the Victim by Sabrina of The Budding Optimist

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily. Best Strategies to Help You Deal With Someone Who Plays The Victim

[00:00:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Part 2 by Sabrina of The BuddingOptimist.com

[00:00:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody, I am Greg Audino, your host and narrator. Very pleased that you've joined today for

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_00]: not only another post about bettering your relationships, but actually a continuation

[00:00:21] [SPEAKER_00]: of yesterday's post. Yes, I like to read longer articles over two consecutive episodes.

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_00]: This post by Sabrina of The Budding Optimist got off to a great start yesterday. So,

[00:00:31] [SPEAKER_00]: hit pause now and check that episode out first if you haven't already. But if you have,

[00:00:36] [SPEAKER_00]: let's jump into the rest of it right now and optimize your life.

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Best Strategies to Help You Deal With Someone Who Plays The Victim

[00:00:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Part 2 by Sabrina of The BuddingOptimist.com

[00:00:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Number 2. Encourage Problem Solving, Discourage Venting

[00:00:57] [SPEAKER_00]: One thing people with a victim mentality love to do is vent. They can go on and on talking in circles

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_00]: about one problem without exploring any solution and wasting their time and yours in the process.

[00:01:09] [SPEAKER_00]: And venting does more damage than killing productivity. Sure, everyone needs to vent at

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_00]: one time or another. Bottling things up is never good for anybody. But when venting becomes

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: the default mode for someone, it not only becomes a productivity drain, it turns into a furnace that

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_00]: only fuels more stress and anger in the person doing the venting. So if you notice someone chronically

[00:01:33] [SPEAKER_00]: venting about their problems, the best thing you can do for their mental health and yours

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_00]: is this. Don't let them pour out their grievances like a broken dam. You have to shut the gate

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_00]: quickly and firmly without being rude of course. And you do this by encouraging them to think

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_00]: about solutions to their problems instead of focusing on the problems themselves. For example,

[00:01:56] [SPEAKER_00]: when someone with a victim mentality says, I'm always getting hurt by the people closest to me,

[00:02:01] [SPEAKER_00]: you could say, what do you think you can do to communicate your hurt feelings across constructively?

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Number 3. Recognize Their Feelings, Don't Validate Their Victimhood

[00:02:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you know someone who's always recounting the bad things that have happened to them?

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_00]: What's your go-to response? Is it one of the following? A. Pour you. B. Oh my gosh, that's awful.

[00:02:26] [SPEAKER_00]: C. You're right, that person was totally in the wrong. And do you also nod your head along

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: as they tell you about their plight and how unfair the world is to them? It's our natural

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_00]: tendency to want to empathize with someone in pain. We say and do things to show that we

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_00]: recognize their feelings and accept them. This is called emotional validation, and it's a powerful

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship skill that helps strengthen our social bond. But if we're dealing with a person who has

[00:02:54] [SPEAKER_00]: the victim mentality, we want to be careful of how we approach emotional validation.

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_00]: You want to recognize their feelings, but at the same time, refrain from confirming their

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: reality. Because if you confirm their reality, the world is a big bad place and people are

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: being jerks to them. The more they feel a sense of validation of their victimhood, this will only

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_00]: compound their feelings of helplessness and make them even less willing to take accountability

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: for their actions and be in charge of their own destiny. And not to mention, if they feel

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: they can count on you to validate their victimhood, they'll always come to you to dump their

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_00]: woes. And I'm guessing you don't want that. So be very clear that while you accept and

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_00]: understand their feelings, you may not agree with their perceived reality. For example,

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_00]: when someone with a victim mentality says, I'm so hurt by what so and so said at our last

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_00]: get together, it humiliated me. How could she be so mean? You could say, I see that you're upset

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_00]: and I can understand why you would feel this way if you thought she wanted to humiliate you.

[00:04:00] [SPEAKER_00]: However, from the way I see it, it was an innocent joke, not a remark directed at you,

[00:04:05] [SPEAKER_00]: and it meant no harm. Number four, challenge their narratives and assumptions tactfully.

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_00]: People with a victim mentality enjoy the attention they receive when others comfort them over their

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_00]: tales of woes and misfortune. They often exaggerate negative past experiences to make

[00:04:23] [SPEAKER_00]: them sound like they were far worse and happen more frequently than what actually took place.

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_00]: And if you never question their story again, they'll keep coming to you to unload their

[00:04:33] [SPEAKER_00]: negativity. In the meantime, nothing is resolved and their problems continue. If you really want to

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00]: help them and save your own sanity at the same time, then don't be afraid to challenge their

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: narratives and assumptions tactfully of course. For example, when someone with a victim mentality

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_00]: says, my parents are always picking fights with me for no reason, they don't care about me,

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_00]: you could ask the following questions. What do you mean by always? How frequently are you

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_00]: fighting versus simply voicing disagreement? What role do you think you play in the conflict?

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: And what have you done to improve your relationship with your parents?

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Number five, draw a line in the sand. And last but not least, remember that you should never

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: inherit someone else's problems. If a person with a victim mentality is not interested in

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_00]: solving their own dilemma, there's nothing you can do to help them. Don't take their

[00:05:28] [SPEAKER_00]: problems to heart or make it your mission to solve anything for them. Don't strain yourself

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_00]: helping them with things that they can and should be able to do themselves. And by all means, don't

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00]: let them go on and on with their laundry list of bad things and bad people in their lives.

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_00]: When someone isn't interested in helping themselves, the best thing you can do for them

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_00]: and for yourself is this, draw a line in the sand and let them know where it is.

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Set clear boundaries and remind them how much you're willing to give at all times,

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_00]: respectfully of course. For example, when someone with a victim mentality comes to you

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and starts to talk about their problems, you could say, I want to give you the attention

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_00]: and respect you deserve. However, I can only offer five minutes of my undivided attention

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_00]: to listen to you talk about your issue. But I'm always here if you're ready to talk

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_00]: about how you're going to solve the problem. Yes, it's going to raise their eyebrows.

[00:06:23] [SPEAKER_00]: It's going to make them pout and it might even make them lash out. But don't let guilt or

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_00]: the fear of being judged is not nice stop you from setting clear boundaries. Because if you don't,

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_00]: sooner or later, you're going to run empty. And then as soon as you say you can't give

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: them all the attention they want, you're deemed not nice anyway. You're not trying to win

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: the Nobel Peace Award here. So you just have to learn to live with being labeled not nice by some

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_00]: people. Trust me, your sanity is worth the small price. You just listened to part two of the post

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_00]: titled best strategies to help you deal with someone who plays the victim by Sabrina of the

[00:07:07] [SPEAKER_00]: buddingoptimist.com. And a great finish by Sabrina. Thanks so much to her for this post and

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: all the guidance that came with a lot of really wonderful ideas here. What I really

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_00]: liked about this one was all the scenarios in which she encouraged us to ask questions rather than

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_00]: make statements. When we ask questions of those who are feeling troubled, we're giving them space

[00:07:29] [SPEAKER_00]: to be heard rather than instructed. And when this level of comfort is established, not only is it

[00:07:36] [SPEAKER_00]: easier for them to feel a sense of alliance with us, but they're much better suited to come

[00:07:40] [SPEAKER_00]: to their own conclusions, feeling challenged intellectually more than emotionally, if that

[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_00]: makes sense. People will always make the best and most lasting changes when they realize them

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_00]: themselves rather than being told what to do. We can help by asking questions unless it's

[00:07:57] [SPEAKER_00]: made clear that they want our advice. Frankly, a strong sense of victimhood is likely tied to

[00:08:02] [SPEAKER_00]: a complex history anyway. And because we can't understand these histories in great detail,

[00:08:08] [SPEAKER_00]: there's even more reason to ask questions. So both we and those with the sense of

[00:08:13] [SPEAKER_00]: victimhood can come to greater understandings. That's going to do it for today though, everybody.

[00:08:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Many thanks for listening to this post across the last two episodes. It was very methodical as

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_00]: well as very sympathetic. I know I enjoyed it and I hope you did too. So have a great rest of

[00:08:28] [SPEAKER_00]: your day and be sure to come back tomorrow for another post where your optimal life awaits.