2293: 7 Tips to Stay Cool When Your Child Acts Up by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids on Parenting

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[00:00:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:20] [SPEAKER_00]: 7 Tips to Stay Cool When Your Child Acts Up by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids.com

[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody and thanks a lot for tuning into ORD once again. I'm your host and narrator,

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Greg Audino, and just like I do each Thursday and Friday, today I've got a parenting post to

[00:00:38] [SPEAKER_00]: share with you, one that I think you're going to like as it is pretty important for all parents.

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_00]: How can we stay cool when our children act up instead of blowing our tops?

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_00]: Today we will hear 7 tips for how to do just that. So let's get into the post now

[00:00:52] [SPEAKER_00]: as we optimize your life. 7 Tips to Stay Cool When Your Child Acts Up

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_00]: by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids.com

[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Let it go. The moment you feel your hackles rising, let it go. If you let it upset you,

[00:01:14] [SPEAKER_00]: what follows is anger. And to quote Yoda, that leads to the dark side.

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Notice and interrupt it. Find your own way of accepting things with grace.

[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_00]: That's by Steve Aery. When our kids act up, most of us get annoyed.

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_00]: And when they really act out, most of us get angry. All parents get angry at their children.

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_00]: There is nothing wrong with feeling anger. Anger is a message. The problem is that we

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_00]: can't interpret that message clearly while we're angry. In the heat of the moment,

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: we're in a fight, flight or freeze. And when we're in fight, our child looks like the

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: enemy. So we think the message is that we should vanquish the enemy, our own child.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_00]: In fact, the message when your child gets upset is actually that he needs your help,

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_00]: even if he's being impossible. Especially when he's being impossible.

[00:02:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe we need to put our child to bed an hour earlier, or connect with her more,

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_00]: or simply make it safe enough for her to cry and show us all those tears and fears that

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_00]: are making her act out. But we can't understand or act on that message when

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: we're triggered by our own fear and anger. Staying cool is essential to actually solving

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: the problem, instead of making it worse. So how can you stay cool when your kid acts up,

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_00]: instead of sliding toward the dark side? 1. Notice that you're getting annoyed

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes we don't notice until we're already on the dark side. But usually we can see our

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_00]: annoyance building because we start gathering kindling. What do I mean? We start reviewing

[00:02:49] [SPEAKER_00]: all the reasons we're right and our child is an ungrateful brat. Once you start gathering

[00:02:54] [SPEAKER_00]: kindling, it's hard to avoid that firestorm. So as soon as you notice that your mind chatter

[00:03:00] [SPEAKER_00]: about your child is negative, stop. Drop your agenda, just temporarily. Take a deep breath

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: to stop the runaway train of your anger. 2. Use your inner pause button

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Even if you're already well down the wrong path and you're yelling,

[00:03:18] [SPEAKER_00]: stop. Take a deep breath and hit the pause button. Close your mouth, even in mid-sentence.

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Don't be embarrassed. You're modeling good anger management. Save your embarrassment for

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_00]: when you have a tantrum. 3. Take five

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, your child is acting badly. Understood. But don't try to address the issue with your

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: child while you're angry. Calm down and get re-centered so you can actually hear the message

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: anger. Are you worried that your child's behavior could be a sign that something is wrong?

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Exhausted and stressed out so you're overreacting to your child's normal

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_00]: age-appropriate behavior? Scared that this means you're not a good enough parent?

[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_00]: 4. Feel the emotions in your body

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not suggesting that you swallow your anger, just that you resist acting on it.

[00:04:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Instead, notice the anger in your body. Really feel that tightness in your belly,

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_00]: that suffocating feeling in your throat. Breathe into those tense places. As you simply open to

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: the feelings in your body, you'll feel them begin to shift and melt. That's the secret of

[00:04:24] [SPEAKER_00]: mindfulness. Once we sit with those emotions, just accepting them with compassion but resisting

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00]: the urge to act on them, they melt away. 5. Shift your state

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Now, reframe your thoughts about the situation. Since our thoughts create our feelings,

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: your new thoughts can create different feelings. If you're thinking that your child needs to be

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_00]: taught a big lesson right now, you'll stay angry. If you remind yourself that she's acting like

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_00]: a child because she is a child and that she needs your love most when she seems to deserve

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: at least, you will be willing to shift out of anger. 6. Try a do-over

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Tell your child that you're sorry you got so upset, and the two of you are going to try a do-over.

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_00]: This time, stay calm. Empathize. Listen to your child's feelings and try to see things from his

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_00]: perspective. Resist the urge to blame, and instead look for solutions that work for both

[00:05:21] [SPEAKER_00]: of you. If your child has damaged something, including a relationship, ask him what he might do

[00:05:27] [SPEAKER_00]: to repair it, but always start by listening to his upset and empathizing.

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_00]: 7. Practice, practice, practice I'm not going to lie to you, this is really hard work,

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00]: one of the hardest things anyone can do. If you're used to flying off the handle,

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_00]: you'll be teaching your brain new patterns of self-discipline. That takes practice. Luckily,

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_00]: every time you resist acting out when you're angry, you are rewiring your brain,

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_00]: so managing your anger gets easier every time you do it. Sure, you will lose it sometimes,

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_00]: but if you just keep practicing, holding yourself with compassion and noticing those emotions,

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_00]: you'll find that even when your child acts up, you're more able to stay cool.

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_00]: At some point, you'll realize that you rarely lose your temper anymore. You'll still have

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_00]: childish behavior as long as you live with children, but your reaction will be different,

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: a lot less drama, and a lot more love. Yoda would be proud.

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled, 7 Tips to Stay Cool When Your Child Acts Up

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_00]: by Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent HappyKids.com

[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_00]: and be sure to stick around for my comments in just a second.

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: And thanks to Dr. Laura for this post. A great set of guidelines here today,

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_00]: no surprise coming from her. I really like what she said about changing our state in that

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: bullet that she offered. However, this can be tough to do in an emotionally heightened moment,

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_00]: as we all know. But remember, we can always practice this when things are more neutral.

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_00]: It can be very helpful to think about how we might shift our state

[00:07:04] [SPEAKER_00]: so we can be more prepared when outbursts occur.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: So today, take some time to think about exactly where you'd like your mind to go

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: instead of anger, and visualize yourself going there instead of having an angry response at your

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I think you'll be pretty amazed by how much easier it is to shift your state in the heat of

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_00]: the moment after doing this practice when things are a bit calmer. So good luck with that.

[00:07:29] [SPEAKER_00]: It's time to get going for now though everybody. Thank you so much for tuning

[00:07:32] [SPEAKER_00]: in as always, and remember parents, there will be another episode just for you tomorrow.

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_00]: So be sure to come back for that where your optimal life awaits.