2294: 4 Ways Parents Can Balance Couple Time & Family Time by Terry Gaspard of Gottman on Parenting Advice

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Now, before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal

[00:00:04] [SPEAKER_00]: development and minimalism, money, health, relationships, and more. So to optimize your

[00:00:10] [SPEAKER_00]: life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app. Now on to the show.

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_01]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily. 4 Ways Parents Can Balance Couple Time and Family Time

[00:00:24] [SPEAKER_01]: by Terry Gaspard of Gottman.com. Hello everybody and welcome back to

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Greg Audino, the guy who's here with you every day to read from and offer commentary on some

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_01]: of the best blogs around that cover relationship building. And today once again we'll be sharing

[00:00:39] [SPEAKER_01]: from Gottman.com which is widely known as one of the best sites for acquiring well-researched

[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_01]: articles about relationships. They write about romance and parenting alike. And today's post

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_01]: actually blends the two. So let's get right to it as we optimize your life. 4 Ways Parents

[00:01:00] [SPEAKER_01]: Can Balance Couple Time and Family Time by Terry Gaspard of Gottman.com.

[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_01]: I continue to see a growing trend in my private practice of partners struggling to find the

[00:01:11] [SPEAKER_01]: balance between couple time and family time. Some parents become so focused on their children

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_01]: that they neglect their marriage in the process. While children thrive when they receive

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_01]: lots of love from caregivers, parents need alone time to recharge and focus on their romantic

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_01]: relationship which brought them together in the first place. According to psychologist Pat Love,

[00:01:33] [SPEAKER_01]: each and every day parents experience the joy of making a child's life better,

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_01]: more productive and far more meaningful all while doing the same for themselves.

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_01]: Strive to Balance Your Couple Time and Family Time. In the book titled Fighting for Your Marriage

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_01]: author Harold J. Markman, PhD says the amount of fun partners have together is a key factor in

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_01]: predicting their overall marital happiness. Markman explains, quote, when we interview couples

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_01]: planning marriage, we learn that most of them have tons of fun early in the relationship.

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_01]: But for too many, fun fizzles out as time goes by. End quote.

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_01]: Sydney and Kevin, both in their late 30s, are raising two sons aged 10 and 12.

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_01]: They were on the brink of divorce because they had drifted apart. Both work full-time,

[00:02:26] [SPEAKER_01]: are drained by the demands of parenting and had fallen into the trap of neglecting their

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_01]: relationship. Kevin reflects, Sydney wants to spend most of her evenings and weekends as a family,

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_01]: but I don't get home from work until 8 p.m. most nights. By the time Friday night rolls

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_01]: around, I just want to go out to dinner with Sid. I see it as a priority to play with the

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_01]: boys on weekends, but I need time to recover from work and I want to spend more quality time with her.

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_01]: Sydney responds, I didn't realize you felt that way. I feel really torn. I don't want to leave

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_01]: the kids with a babysitter on Friday nights because they're in school and after-school care

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_01]: all week. During couples therapy, Sydney and Kevin started questioning their priorities and

[00:03:09] [SPEAKER_01]: how they spend their time outside of work. Fortunately, they are dedicated to each other

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_01]: and determined to create couple time so they can avoid seeing their marriage crumble.

[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_01]: They decided to rotate every other Friday between a dinner date night out

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_01]: and a pizza and movie night in with the kids. This plan allowed all family members to get

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_01]: their needs met. Dr. John Gottman's research shows that accepting your partner's influence

[00:03:32] [SPEAKER_01]: means considering their needs without placing blame or making judgments.

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_01]: After our second session, Sydney was able to accept Kevin's influence

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_01]: and realized that having time alone with him every other Friday night

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_01]: could benefit the entire family. Sydney noticed that she was actually feeling closer to Kevin

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_01]: and that her sons enjoyed having a babysitter when their parents went out.

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Here are five ways to balance your time as a couple and time as a family.

[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Number one, schedule alone time with your partner.

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Couples who schedule alone time together are able to turn toward each other more often because

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_01]: there are fewer distractions. Dr. John Gottman discovered that couples who divorced an average

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_01]: of six years after their wedding turned toward each other 33% of the time in his lab, while the

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_01]: couples who were together after six years turned toward each other 86% of the time. That's a big

[00:04:25] [SPEAKER_01]: difference. Number two, build your connection in small moments. As Sydney began spending more

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_01]: time with Kevin, I suggested that they practice expressing more interest in each other.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_01]: Therapist Bob Navara suggests couples ask questions about their day-to-day life

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_01]: in order to learn more about each other's world. Over time, this led to deeper levels

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_01]: of connection between Sydney and Kevin and strengthened their marriage.

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_01]: Number three, spend quality time together as a family. Be sure to plan special events

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_01]: and some vacation time with all family members when possible on a regular basis so

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_01]: everyone feels nurtured. Ask your children what spending quality time as a family means to them.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_01]: You may be surprised by their answers. And number four, let your kids know that you value your role

[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_01]: as a partner and parent. By doing this, you serve as a positive role model for healthy family

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_01]: relationships and you show your children your partnership is sacred. When I met with Sydney

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_01]: and Kevin six months after our first session for a follow-up, they were going strong

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_01]: and embraced the notion that Kevin's bid for attention, affection and support

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_01]: saved them from dissolving their marriage. Fortunately, Sydney was wise enough to pay

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_01]: attention. You don't have to choose between being a good parent and a good partner.

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Working together to find the right balance will pay off in the long run for you,

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_01]: your marriage and your family. You just listened to the post titled

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_01]: Four Ways Parents Can Balance Couple Time and Family Time by Terry Gaspar of Gotman.com

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_01]: and I'll be back right after this with my commentary. Okay, and thank you so much to

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_01]: Terry for this post. A relevant and applicable one for all parents, at least at some point I'm sure.

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_01]: And the best part of it I think came at the end in her fourth bullet,

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_01]: letting your kids know that you value your role as partner and parent.

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_01]: And we do this through both words and actions. And oftentimes when we think about the impact

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_01]: we leave on our kids, we tend to focus on the time we spend with them and the lessons we try

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_01]: to teach them. But modeling is such a big part of it too. Every action we take is observed by our

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_01]: children. And they rely on these observations to shape their view of the world and thus what

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_01]: kind of adults they grow into. So even if we are spending a lot of time with them and telling

[00:06:48] [SPEAKER_01]: them the right things, if we're doing all of this but not spending meaningful time with

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_01]: our partners, they're subconsciously taking mental notes that romantic relationships might not need

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_01]: that same prioritization. So today I challenge you to think about how you're educating your

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_01]: children with everything you do and say and what alterations you might want to make with this

[00:07:09] [SPEAKER_01]: in mind. But with that we have reached the end for today everybody. As always, I thank you

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_01]: for being here and making another episode possible. Have a great Friday and I'll see

[00:07:18] [SPEAKER_01]: you again over the weekend where your optimal life awaits.