2295: When Is it A Fair Amount of Time for a Guy to "Know" That He Wants You? by Evan Marc Katz on Dating Tips

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal

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[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_01]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily. When Is It A Fair Amount of Time for a Guy to Know That

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_01]: He Wants You by Evan Marc Katz of evanmarckats.com

[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_01]: Hello everybody and welcome back to ORD. I'm Greg Audino, your host and narrator,

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_01]: and today I'll be sharing yet another Q&A from the website of Evan Marc Katz,

[00:00:38] [SPEAKER_01]: longtime author and contributor. Let's hear his response to a reader of his who just is not

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_01]: sure where she stands with a guy that she's interested in as we get to the reading now

[00:00:47] [SPEAKER_01]: and optimize your life. When is it a fair amount of time for a guy to know that he wants you?

[00:00:57] [SPEAKER_01]: By Evan Marc Katz of evanmarckats.com

[00:01:02] [SPEAKER_01]: Hi Evan, I just found your website and I wish I'd read it years ago. I really appreciate

[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_01]: your insight and honesty. And everything you say makes sense. My question is this,

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I take on board all of your He's Just Not That Into You reasoning,

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_01]: and also your comments on how to tell if a man is truly interested, calling, making plans, etc.

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_01]: My problem historically is that if I really genuinely like a guy, which sadly does not happen

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_01]: that often, I expect these things to happen right away. I get frustrated if I feel he's not

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_01]: doing those things, and rather than make what is usually the classic girl mistake of calling

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_01]: or texting him all the time, I decide I'm about to get hurt and freeze him out.

[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_01]: I did this recently with a guy I was really smitten with. We'd only known each other three

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_01]: weeks, kissed once, had two dates alone, but because I didn't hear from him for five days,

[00:01:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I went super cool on him, unfriended him on Facebook, etc. A few weeks on now,

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_01]: the red mist has cleared. I think I wanted too much too soon and just wish I'd sat back,

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_01]: played it cool, and followed your advice on mirroring. He still sends me occasional

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_01]: friendly texts, which so far I answered but then cut short before they get into conversation.

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Can I turn this around and start again if the opportunity or another text materializes?

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_01]: At what point do the rules of he's just not that into you kick in?

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_01]: With thanks from girl with a bruised heart.

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_01]: Terry. Thanks for the kind words, Terry. Sorry to see you have regrets,

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_01]: but as I just read on a friend's Facebook page the other day,

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_01]: if you don't have regrets, you haven't lived your life to the fullest.

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not sure I agree. Frankly, I think if you have regrets, you haven't lived life to the fullest,

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_01]: but that's not really the point. The point is that making mistakes is part of living,

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_01]: and no one lives an error-free existence. And make no mistake about it,

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_01]: you botched this one by pulling the overly emotional girl act. What for?

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Think about it for a second. What did you actually gain by cutting him off entirely?

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_01]: That's right. Nothing. Your unfriending was pure ego.

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_01]: And I get it, I just unfriended someone who was rude to me at my high school reunion last month.

[00:03:18] [SPEAKER_01]: The difference is that she'll never notice, whereas the man you were seeing will definitely

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_01]: pay attention. Yet somehow, Terry, your undaunted guy continues to send you friendly texts.

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_01]: And somehow, despite your previous experience of being cold to an interested guy,

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_01]: you continue to be cold to him, cutting short the texts before they turn into conversation.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Why? This guy likes you and you're doing everything in your power to stop him.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_01]: I suppose you can mount an argument that playing aloof is keeping him interested,

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_01]: but you're missing the most important part of mirroring. You're supposed to do what he

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_01]: does. So if he takes five days to call you back, you can get back to him in five days.

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_01]: And if he says I love you first, you say I love you back.

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_01]: And if he writes you a long, warm text message, you respond to him in kind.

[00:04:07] [SPEAKER_01]: That way, you're never pushing him away with neediness and always keeping the door open for

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_01]: possibility. Really, Terry, this drama is entirely of your own making. Because if you simply sat

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_01]: back and waited for him to reveal himself in his actions, guess what? You would have called you

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_01]: after five days. You would have had an amazing third date. And chances are at this point

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_01]: you'd already be boyfriend, girlfriend. Most importantly, if he did not step up to the plate

[00:04:33] [SPEAKER_01]: to make the effort necessary to be your boyfriend, if he did not call more than once a week for two

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_01]: months, if he did not talk about exclusivity or a future, if he did not make you feel that

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_01]: your relationship was escalating, voila! You have your answer. No need to throw a fit

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_01]: or unfriend him on Facebook. When a guy isn't doing what you want after a reasonable

[00:04:54] [SPEAKER_01]: amount of time, that's two to three months at the longest, the best thing to do, the only thing to do,

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_01]: is wish him well and find another guy. It's really quite simple. Your big takeaway from this post

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_01]: should be to have the confidence and patience to let things evolve at an organic pace.

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_01]: You may be used to diving into relationships and having instant passion, chemistry and commitment.

[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_01]: I also can make the safe prediction that none of those relationships have lasted.

[00:05:21] [SPEAKER_01]: So please, give a guy a break for not knowing if you're his girlfriend,

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_01]: much less wife after a few weeks. I have one client now who has met a guy twice

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_01]: and she's very frustrated that he's not yet her boyfriend. I've got another who has had

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_01]: four dates in three weeks and feels the same way. He should be more excited about me,

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_01]: he should be telling me he loves me. No, he should not! Every time a guy has ever

[00:05:45] [SPEAKER_01]: told you he loves you in three weeks, the relationship is burned out. Maybe this

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_01]: time has a better chance for being real, because you've both taken the time to evaluate each other

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_01]: instead of committing first and figuring out your compatibility later.

[00:06:02] [SPEAKER_01]: You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_01]: When is it a Fair Amount of Time for a Guy to Know That He Wants You?

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_01]: by Evan Mark Katz of evanmarkkats.com

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_01]: And I'll be right back with my commentary.

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, and thanks to Evan for this post, a lot of good and honest observations from him,

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_01]: specifically about the role that ego has played in his askers approach and how it might have hurt

[00:06:26] [SPEAKER_01]: her more than helped her. However, I do think that one could argue that there are traces of ego

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_01]: in the behavioral shifts that Evan has suggested as well, particularly his note about mirroring

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_01]: the behavior of the man she's dating. This could be a way of protesting,

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER_01]: no I'm not going to put in any more effort than you do. Again, not necessarily

[00:06:46] [SPEAKER_01]: laid in an ego driven behavior, but it could be quite easy for someone hearing this piece of

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_01]: advice to take it that way. But the bigger problem there for me is that it feels very reactive and

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_01]: very protective. You know, the message there is not to express yourself in the way you might want

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_01]: to, but rather to stand some kind of ground so as not to get overly involved at worst and

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_01]: appease the other person at best. I'm not sure I agree with it, but hey one of the

[00:07:16] [SPEAKER_01]: issues from author to author and also between author and host so you can try different ideology

[00:07:21] [SPEAKER_01]: on for size and see what works for you. So contemplate what you have heard today and

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_01]: see what you come up with everyone. It's time to get going for now, but it has been a pleasure

[00:07:30] [SPEAKER_01]: as always. Enjoy the rest of your day and I'll talk to you again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.