2299: Listen to Your Lookout by Keith Wilson on Mutual Trust & Communication

[00:00:00] Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships and more.

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[00:00:15] Now onto the show.

[00:00:17] This is Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:20] Listen to your Lookout by Keith Wilson of Keith WilsonCounseling.com.

[00:00:26] Hello everybody and welcome to O.R.D.

[00:00:29] I am Greg Audino, your host and narrator.

[00:00:32] Great to have you here with me for another installment.

[00:00:34] And in this one, I'll be reading a post from Keith Wilson.

[00:00:37] This is an amazing article for helping us understand the ways in which we can support our partners.

[00:00:43] But for me, I think it also requires a lot of self-examination in order to be doing that right in order to be executing the ideas that you'll hear about in this article.

[00:00:53] More on that in my commentary at the end though, for now let's get right into this post and optimize your life.

[00:01:03] Listen to your Lookout by Keith Wilson of Keith WilsonCounseling.com.

[00:01:09] When you're finally done apologizing and making amends, you probably don't want to have to do that again.

[00:01:15] You won't want to make that mistake one more time.

[00:01:18] You want to keep those problems away.

[00:01:20] So listen to your Lookout.

[00:01:22] He'll tell you if they ever start coming around.

[00:01:24] When the wheel start to come off, everyone is prone to develop their own kind of problem and make their own kind of mistakes.

[00:01:31] Some use substances or gamble or can't stop shopping.

[00:01:35] Others get controlling.

[00:01:37] Still, others get depressed or anxious or angry or just withdraw into themselves.

[00:01:42] So I'm have a combination of several kinds of problems and mistakes.

[00:01:45] Everyone's got their thing.

[00:01:47] Your own type of problem and mistake is yours because it's the very thing that sneaks up in your blind spots.

[00:01:53] It fits you like a glove.

[00:01:55] When it fools anyone into thinking that it's a good thing, it fools you first.

[00:02:00] It takes hard work to eradicate problems and eternal vigilance to keep them away.

[00:02:05] Relaps can be expected.

[00:02:07] When we're talking about addiction, it takes an average of seven real attempts before recovery feels solid.

[00:02:13] And even then, you won't know if you're going to need eight.

[00:02:16] Mental illness also tends to be episodic.

[00:02:18] And each new episode is worse than the last.

[00:02:20] People who have succumbed once to the temptations of violence, self-harm, suicide attempts or self-pity are more likely to do it again.

[00:02:29] Moreover, problems will often go into hiding when they feel threatened,

[00:02:33] so that what appears to be recovery is really a more pernicious hidden phase of the same problem that troubled you before.

[00:02:40] If you're in a close relationship, you have a resource that others don't have.

[00:02:44] You have a lookout.

[00:02:45] Your problem was not custom-made just for her.

[00:02:48] It doesn't sneak up in her blind spots.

[00:02:51] She spots it coming before you do.

[00:02:53] She can see through the deception more easily.

[00:02:56] She has a vested interest in keeping you safe from this problem.

[00:03:00] She could warn you that it's approaching if only you will listen.

[00:03:03] Pade professionals can help.

[00:03:05] They have the knowledge, they have the objectivity,

[00:03:08] but they don't have the access your partner has.

[00:03:11] They don't see you on the weekends and at night when problems often strike.

[00:03:14] They don't have as much at stake.

[00:03:17] Far too many people fail to use their lookout.

[00:03:20] They look out, seize the problem coming and they argue with her.

[00:03:23] Denies happening and get defensive.

[00:03:25] This is a mistake.

[00:03:27] It's as if a lookout on a ship up in the crow's nest saw an iceberg up ahead.

[00:03:31] And the captain yelled, you're crazy.

[00:03:33] I'm not going to hit an iceberg.

[00:03:35] You never trust me.

[00:03:36] I'm going to do what I want.

[00:03:37] Get off my back.

[00:03:38] It would not be good if a captain did that.

[00:03:40] To be sure, many lookouts don't understand their role too well.

[00:03:45] When they see problems coming, they often make accusations rather than observations.

[00:03:49] It says if the lookout up in the crow's nest called out,

[00:03:53] you're hitting an iceberg again.

[00:03:54] Don't you care about me?

[00:03:56] They should just warn you that there's an iceberg.

[00:03:59] They act so unreasonable, you might be tempted to dismiss their warnings as crazed paranoia.

[00:04:04] It would not be good if you wore any captain did that.

[00:04:07] However, you've got to realize that you've hit a few ice-sets.

[00:04:10] Spurgs in your day already.

[00:04:12] And your lookout should be excused if she gets excited when she sees another one.

[00:04:16] There's a few things you can expect from a good lookout.

[00:04:19] Don't be surprised when you see them.

[00:04:21] A good lookout does not resign.

[00:04:23] If your partner comes down from the crow's nest and tells you that you've got to look out for your own problem,

[00:04:28] you can figure that next should be going off in a lifeboat.

[00:04:31] True partners do not resign as lookouts unless they're about to leave their relationship or there are fool.

[00:04:36] She has to be a lookout if only to guard her own interests.

[00:04:40] A good lookout stays awake.

[00:04:42] He doesn't watch like a hawk in the beginning and then forget about it later on.

[00:04:46] If it's months or years since the problem last struck, don't be surprised if he's still on the lookout.

[00:04:52] He has to be.

[00:04:53] That's his job.

[00:04:54] A good lookout scans the horizon.

[00:04:57] She doesn't keep looking in the same place.

[00:04:59] The main thing to look out for is the way the problem arrived in the past.

[00:05:03] It's likely to come that way again.

[00:05:05] If for instance you get snappy at Christmas time, then she should be especially on the lookout at Christmas time.

[00:05:12] But understand, snappiness can come wherever there is busyness, family contact, alcohol use, overreeding, darkness or an imperative to be married.

[00:05:22] A good lookout is not deceived.

[00:05:25] Problems arrive in disguise.

[00:05:27] No one starts off drinking three six packs a day just to feel normal.

[00:05:30] No, they start off with a glass of wine at dinner.

[00:05:33] A beer during the game, or doing a shot with a friend.

[00:05:36] These things are all good things.

[00:05:38] There's nothing wrong with any of them in themselves.

[00:05:41] They're only evil because of where they lead.

[00:05:43] A good lookout sees through the disguises.

[00:05:46] He knows the masks that your problem wears.

[00:05:49] A good lookout is jumpy.

[00:05:51] She's got to be vigilant.

[00:05:52] If you keep driving by that place where you used to get narcotics, she should be seeing red flags.

[00:05:57] This may very well be the way the problem creeps up innocently.

[00:06:02] A good lookout raises the alarm.

[00:06:04] If he sees the problem return, he should say something, not keep that information to himself.

[00:06:10] You need to know it.

[00:06:11] He may not want to do it.

[00:06:12] No one wants to be the bearer of bad news.

[00:06:15] But this is what lookouts are for.

[00:06:17] If the problem has given the two of you a lot of trouble in the past, he might not want to believe it's back.

[00:06:22] If the problem has already taken you over, he might get an argument.

[00:06:26] A good lookout keeps her eye on the hazard.

[00:06:30] If you look out spots the problem, she should keep her eye on it even if you say it's nothing.

[00:06:34] In the case of chemical use, don't be surprised if she looks for confirmation in the form of a home test and kit to eliminate suspicions.

[00:06:42] For this or other kinds of problems, she may want to get a second opinion from a professional sort of like calling in another lookout and asking what he sees.

[00:06:50] A good lookout keeps himself safe.

[00:06:52] He shouldn't be so busy being a lookout watching out for your problem that he gets overcome by his own.

[00:06:58] Yes, even your partner has his own kind of problem and makes his own characteristic mistakes.

[00:07:04] And a good lookout has someone looking out for her.

[00:07:08] Be your partners look out just as she is yours.

[00:07:11] Watch each other's backs.

[00:07:12] You can see her problem more clearly than she can her own.

[00:07:15] If your partner has been dealing with your problem for a long time, she's probably worked very hard to keep herself strong.

[00:07:21] Someone in the house had the function.

[00:07:24] The laundry, the cooking, the kids, the relatives, the shopping and going to work don't get done by themselves.

[00:07:30] She may not be accustomed to relying on you for anything.

[00:07:33] You just haven't been reliable.

[00:07:34] That's going to have to change. She needs to look out too.

[00:07:38] If you've ever complained that your partner doesn't trust you, let him be your lookout.

[00:07:43] This is how he learns to trust you again.

[00:07:48] You just listen to the post titled, Listen to your lookout by Keith Wilson of Keith WilsonCounseling.com.

[00:07:57] And many thanks to Keith Wilson for another great post.

[00:08:00] This one definitely encourages a lot of thought for any coupled person or also of any caring friend or family member as well.

[00:08:09] And what we really have to be aware of when considering the lookout element of relationships is

[00:08:14] to me, like whether or not we're prepared to allow our partners to be our lookouts in vice versa.

[00:08:21] Our ability to be fully open, willing to take guidance, especially when it comes to certain subjects, takes a lot of work.

[00:08:29] Just because we've entered into a relationship or even a marriage doesn't guarantee that we are able to do this well.

[00:08:36] So although this lookout concept is really reciprocal, in order to be done well, it really just requires a lot of self-work and communication.

[00:08:44] We've talked a lot about how our own self-awareness can make us better partners, but in this case we see how it helps our partners be better partners as well.

[00:08:54] So if you're part of a couple, practice looking for emotional bids and concerns from your partner and giving them to.

[00:09:00] Consider what topics feel off limits somehow between you two and why that might be.

[00:09:05] These might be the areas in which you two need one another as look out to the most.

[00:09:09] So having a dialogue about how to help one another and how to communicate when you're in the midst of dealing with these issues can be supremely helpful.

[00:09:17] Alright folks, that's enough for me.

[00:09:19] I thank you as always for joining and do make sure you do the same tomorrow because I'll be back with another post.

[00:09:24] Looking forward to seeing you then where your optimal life awaits.