2300: Can We Change in Our Relationships? by Dr. Lisa Firestone of PsychAlive on The Power of Personal Growth

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Now before we start, you might want to check out our other podcasts covering topics like personal development and minimalism, money, health, relationships and more.

[00:00:10] [SPEAKER_00]: So to optimize your life in other areas, just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app.

[00:00:15] [SPEAKER_01]: Now onto the show. This is Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:20] [SPEAKER_01]: Can We Change in Our Relationships by Dr. Lisa Firestone of PsychAlive.org.

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Hello, everybody. And thank you so much for coming today.

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Greg Audino, your host and narrator who is with you every day to read from and comment on some of the best articles we can find

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_01]: that pertain to relationship building.

[00:00:39] [SPEAKER_01]: And today we've got a special one that addresses such a huge part of relationship health

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_01]: that nature of change, how we change, how our relationships change, and how to make that change happen

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_01]: hopefully. So open your ears and listen closely as we jump into the article now and optimize

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_01]: your life. Can We Change in Our Relationships by Dr. Lisa Firestone of PsychAlive.org?

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_01]: Can a person really change? This is a question I hear a lot when people are talking about struggles

[00:01:14] [SPEAKER_01]: in their relationships. They wonder if their partner will ever start being more romantic or stop

[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_01]: getting in such bad moods. It's easy to dwell on that which we cannot control. But the truth is

[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_01]: there is a lot we can. By taking charge of our half of the dynamic, we give our relationship at

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_01]: least a 50% better chance of survival. We can't make another person change but we can develop

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_01]: ourselves in ways that would encourage our partner to reciprocate. Then if we're still not getting

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_01]: what we want from the relationship, we are in a far better position to make a decision about

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_01]: moving on. So how can we make changes that will actually alter and improve the dynamics of our

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_01]: relationship? What attachment research tells us is that real change becomes possible when we're

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_01]: willing to look at our history. According to attachment research from Mary Maine and Eric Hes,

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_01]: the biggest predictor of how will be as parents isn't what we experienced as children,

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_01]: but how much we were able to make sense of and feel the full pain of those experiences.

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_01]: The statement can be applied to all of our closest interpersonal relationships.

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Our ideas about relationships are formed very early in our lives. Our attachments with important

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_01]: caretakers create our internal working models for how relationships work. Throughout our lives,

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_01]: without even knowing it, we may act based on these old ideas and many of our reactions in our

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_01]: style we experienced as children, and the effects it can have on the ways we relate.

[00:02:49] [SPEAKER_01]: We can start to better understand our current behavior. We can come to know where our insecurities

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_01]: come from, why we react negatively or emotionally too specific interactions, why we pull away

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_01]: from loved ones, or whatever destructive dynamics we may be bringing to the table. We can learn

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_01]: what triggers us, and even uncover the reasons why we choose the partners we do.

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_01]: Making sense of our experiences leads us to no longer be ruled by them,

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_01]: peeling away our past from the present involved some key steps, which include

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_01]: recognizing negative self-talk. We can start to become aware of a destructive

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_01]: self-limiting thought process known as the critical inner voice. This voice is both shaped by

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_01]: and fuels our negative ideas about ourselves and relationships in general, reinforcing old messages

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_01]: like you are undeserving of love. You can't trust him, he'll leave you. She doesn't really

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_01]: care about you, no one does. As we notice it, we can start to challenge this voice and its intrusion

[00:03:51] [SPEAKER_01]: on our relationships. Noticing patterns and triggers. Once we understand how our past influences

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_01]: our present, we can recognize when we are being triggered by the past. If we feel flooded by

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_01]: emotions like jealousy, suspicion, fear or rage, we can start to understand that sometimes these

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_01]: reactions have more to do with emotional triggers from long ago than they do with what's going on

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_01]: in the moment. We can also see ways we may be projecting onto our partner or turning on ourselves

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_01]: in moments when we're triggered. Choosing our actions. When we're able to stop and notice

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_01]: when we're triggered, we can make better choices about how we want to act in our relationships.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Even though we may be having a strong emotional reaction, we can take some time to calm down,

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_01]: reflect and choose how we want to act. What actions are in sync with our ultimate goals.

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Taking this time to pause and evaluate helps us to separate our present from our past

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_01]: and not fall victim to our emotions. And making better choices. In addition to choosing our own

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_01]: actions and deciding how we want to be in our relationships, we can make better choices about

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_01]: who we want to be with. When we find people who have a healthier attachment style than hours,

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_01]: we can actually form a secure attachment. This helps us to change our internal working models

[00:05:11] [SPEAKER_01]: and restructure our ideas and expectations about love. Everyone struggles to some degree when it

[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_01]: comes to getting close to someone else. And of course I co-lead with Dr. Daniel Seagull called

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_01]: making sense of your life. We explain how the steps of creating a coherent narrative can help us

[00:05:28] [SPEAKER_01]: grow and evolve to become who we want to be in our relationships. We can all develop in our

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_01]: relationships when we're willing to take the challenge of creating this type of narrative of our

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_01]: past. So we can understand ways we may be limiting ourselves in the present. We can even encourage

[00:05:44] [SPEAKER_01]: our loved ones to do the same in a way that is compassionate and supportive. By taking these steps,

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_01]: we can achieve real change and become more loving and secure in our relationships. You just listen

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_01]: to the post titled, Can We Change In Our Relationships by Dr. Lisa Firestone of Psycholive.org

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_01]: and I'll be back with my commentary in just a minute. Thank you so much, two Dr. Lisa for this post.

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_01]: I really enjoyed it. Particularly the reassurance she offered about how our choices and relationships

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_01]: and life in general are so much more dependent on how we process the information received in our

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_01]: past is opposed to the information itself. This, I think, is a supremely wonderful reminder for

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_01]: how much control we do have over our own behavior and speaking of behavior if I were to add anything

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_01]: to this article, you would probably be that another healthy means of making changes in our

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_01]: own relationships is to observe the behavior displayed by those who are in healthy relationships.

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Try to learn from those who are in relationships that you admire. They might make it look

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_01]: so graceful and easy, but try to put yourself in their shoes. Watch how they react to certain

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_01]: wording and think about how you might have interpreted the same words from your partner.

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_01]: Watch for the little things they do beneath the cracks, not just grand gestures of affection.

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_01]: Watch how they listen or try to focus on what's really going on for their partner

[00:07:15] [SPEAKER_01]: as opposed to focusing solely on how everything affects them. There's a lot to it and choosing

[00:07:21] [SPEAKER_01]: to learn from the healthy choices and actions of others can most definitely inspire us to

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER_01]: make similar ones for ourselves. But that's a wrap everyone, time to say goodbye and thank you

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_01]: as always for being here and making this episode possible. Good luck out there today,

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_01]: continue to do right by your relationships and be sure to stop and again tomorrow where you're

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_01]: optimal life awaits.