2307: How Do You Put Intimacy into an Intimate Relationship? by Evan Marc Katz on Dating Advice

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:03] [SPEAKER_00]: How do you put intimacy into an intimate relationship by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com

[00:00:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello everybody and welcome to Optimal Relationships Daily where I read some of the web's best

[00:00:15] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship content to you, with author permission of course.

[00:00:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I am your host, Greg Audino.

[00:00:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Today's episode is all about intimacy and how it aligns with happiness, plus it is

[00:00:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Q&A style which is my personal favorite.

[00:00:27] [SPEAKER_00]: So let's give it a listen and start optimizing your life.

[00:00:36] [SPEAKER_00]: How do you put intimacy into an intimate relationship by Evan Marc Katz of EvanMarcKatz.com

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Quote, I followed your advice, dated a guy I normally wouldn't have considered, let

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_00]: it slide when there wasn't any chemistry, let him pick up the check, waited over a

[00:00:53] [SPEAKER_00]: month to have sex, and stayed in the easy relationship where we never fight.

[00:00:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Now I have a boyfriend.

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_00]: So I should be happy, right?

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Unfortunately, my relationships with my co-workers are still more gratifying than the relationship

[00:01:07] [SPEAKER_00]: with my boyfriend.

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_00]: At work we're the same age, same station in life, and after sharing the same workspace

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_00]: for 14 years there has been a lot of oversharing on Margarita Wednesdays.

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_00]: I assume the lack of intimacy with my boyfriend traced its roots to the comparatively

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00]: short time we've been together or because I was used to conversing with girlfriends.

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_00]: After all, you frequently point out that our girlfriends are not our boyfriends.

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_00]: This summer a new project had me in the archives for two hours every day.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: After three weeks the archivist followed me on Twitter and I followed him back.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years and he still hasn't followed

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_00]: me on Twitter.

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_00]: At the museum's ice cream social the archivist eagerly introduces me to his wife

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_00]: and kids.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend declined to attend.

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: The archivist and I can comfortably discuss many things, whether antiquity should be

[00:01:56] [SPEAKER_00]: repatriated, what to do with Confederate monuments, etc.

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Now my relationship with the archivist is just as satisfying as my relationships

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: with the girls upstairs.

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_00]: I tried discussing my feelings with my boyfriend but he insists everything is great and pointed

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_00]: out that we don't fight.

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_00]: We also haven't had sex since April and before that we were down to once a month.

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_00]: We have 15 minute phone conversations most nights.

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_00]: He usually texts once or twice in the morning so he's doing boyfriend things.

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I just don't understand how I was able to develop a relationship so quickly with someone

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_00]: at work but have yet to develop any feelings of intimacy after two years of dating.

[00:02:35] [SPEAKER_00]: How do you put intimacy into an intimate relationship?

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Bunny.

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: End quote.

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Dear Bunny, First let's start by decoupling my advice

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_00]: from your perception of my advice.

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Quote, I followed your advice, dated a guy I normally wouldn't have considered,

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_00]: let it slide when there wasn't any chemistry, let him pick up the check, waited over a month

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_00]: to have sex and stayed in the relationship where we never fight.

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Now I have a boyfriend so I should be happy right?

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_00]: End quote.

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I think it's good to have a man court you, call, plan, pay and earn the

[00:03:09] [SPEAKER_00]: right to become your sexually exclusive boyfriend and look you got a boyfriend.

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_00]: However to be crystal clear I have never ever ever said to let it slide if there

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: wasn't any chemistry.

[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I said a good relationship often has a 7 in chemistry and a 10 in compatibility, just

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: don't hold out for a 10 in both.

[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Similarly while I believe good relationships should be easy that doesn't mean one should

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_00]: be in an easy relationship that doesn't make you happy, which is what your relationship

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_00]: sounds like to me.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: In other words, you seem to be caught in the logical weeds of what I teach and

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: love you.

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it's because you've just read intermittent blog posts instead of taking the course

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: but I am sincerely sorry that you feel I've led you down the wrong path.

[00:03:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Please allow me to lead you back.

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_00]: You and your boyfriend are not a good fit period.

[00:04:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Not because he doesn't follow you on Twitter, my wife doesn't follow me on Twitter.

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Not because he didn't want to attend your ice cream social, not everyone's an extrovert.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Not because he thinks your relationship is great, it's good to have a satisfied boyfriend.

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Not even because your life is dwindled.

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Although it is problematic, it can theoretically be improved with mutual commitment.

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_00]: The reason to exit your relationship swiftly is because it does not make you happy.

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Your boyfriend may be a good person but he has shown no sign of communicating at

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00]: a level that satisfies you.

[00:04:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of worrying about assigning blame to him for being content with 15 minutes

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: of connection per day or me for telling you to give different guys a shot, how

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: about you listen to your heart and stop this charade after two years?

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_00]: It's not your job to put intimacy into an intimate relationship, although there are

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_00]: things that can be done with the right kind of guy.

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_00]: It's your job to find a guy who organically does the things that your co-workers do.

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00]: You shouldn't have to settle for less.

[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listen to the post titled, How Do You Put Intimacy Into An Intimate

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Relationship by Evan Mark Katz of EvanMarkKatz.com.

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'll be back right after this with my commentary.

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks to Evan for letting us narrate this episode on friendship, connection and chemistry.

[00:05:21] [SPEAKER_00]: What I loved that Evan did here was that he wrapped his answer up by encouraging Bunny

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_00]: to take responsibility for the role she was playing in her unhappy relationship.

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00]: It is so easy to feel victimized by anything really from a relationship to life's daily

[00:05:36] [SPEAKER_00]: nuisances.

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_00]: And though we can only change these things outside of ourselves so much, we can always

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_00]: take responsibility for our own actions, even if we've seemingly done nothing at all wrong.

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_00]: And dig deeper to assess how altering our patterns can change the way we're treated,

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_00]: see the treatment differently or make changes if necessary.

[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_00]: And with that, we will go ahead and sign off.

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for joining me today and I will see you again tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.